


Twin Flame

by ShayDez13



Category: Clarke Griffin - Fandom, Lexa Woods - Fandom, The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childrens Youth Centre, Clarke's Stuck In A Time Loop, Clexa is Endgame, Everything Would Be Just Fine If Clarke Stops Dying Every Three Months, F/F, Fine Stud Lexa, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It's All Good Though Clarke Always Comes Back, Lexa's Got A Troubled Past, Masturbation, Med Student Clarke, Minor Character Death, Past Violence, Reincarnation, Sassy Raven, Smut, Soulmates, Time Loop, Time Travel, Twin flame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2018-09-28 17:34:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 42,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10141793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShayDez13/pseuds/ShayDez13
Summary: "Don't be afraid Clarke, death is not the end."After a traumatic event, Clarke finds herself reliving the last three months of her life again until she gets it right.Present day soulmate/twin flame AU with a twist.





	1. Saturday

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this based on a dream I had a few nights ago; seemed interesting and fun to turn into a fan fic. Let me know what you think and thanks for checking it out. All mistakes are my own.

The day Clarke died was like any other day but she can remember it as if it were yesterday. The metal carnage of the torn apart car, muffled shouts and screams of people around her, the distant echo of the sirens as she drifted in and out of consciousness, until the darkness completely took over.

When Clarke awakes, it merely feels like seconds later and she finds herself in the comforts of her dormitory bed and she convinces herself it was all a bad dream. She gazes helplessly around her room and finds comfort in all things familiar, including her roommate passed out in the bed opposite her. Clarke slumps back down in cold damp sheets, _it was only a nightmare._

* * *

 

Clarke is the first to wake; she throws her blanks off of her as she sluggishly wills herself to get to the showers before everyone else does. It’s still dark outside and it’s a lot earlier then she’d like on a Saturday morning but her nightmare still vivid in her mind has robbed her of her usual sleep in. She huffs loudly certain that the woman sleeping opposite her is probably still drunk from the night before. Clarke knows she could honestly rearrange their entire dorm without waking her; it is one of Raven’s many useless talents, that and the ability to drink her weight in alcohol.

Clarke searches around for some clothes and settles for a pair of sweats and an overly large collage jumper, it is Saturday after all and she rather lounge around studying all day in something casual and comfortable.

When she enters the showers to her surprise there are a lot more girls up and about, but she’s too tired to care, as long as there is enough hot water for her. Clarke opts to skip her shower singing ritual as the surprise audience has suddenly made her self-conscious. She shrugs as she lathers the shampoo between her hands; _Raven’s just going to have to put up with it all afternoon instead_ she thinks to herself.

By the time she is finished in the shower Clarke guesses it’s around 7am, _maybe I should grab a pastry from the café across the street_ she considers wistfully as her stomach rumbles. She opens her dormitory door and for her second surprise of the day, she's faced with Raven searching desperately underneath a pile of large text books.

“Have you seen my Physics text book?” she spits raking her eyes over a small but overly cluttered study desk.

“Why?” Clarke asks profoundly confused at the odd behaviour her best friend is showing.

“Because it’s seven thirty and I’m going to be late?” Raven huffs, Clarke eye brows furrow in confusion and her lack of response causes Raven to finally look up at her. “What the fuck are you wearing?” she asks, Clarke frowns seeing absolutely no issue in her choice of attire.

“What it’s Saturday” Clarke replies casually shrugging as she pulls their door shut.

“Ah, no it’s Tuesday” Raven scoffs still digging through piles of papers and takeout containers. “Got it” she reaches down a throws a pair of old jeans off her text book.

“Raven, it's Saturday” Clarke states with all seriousness now, still bewildered at Raven, _did she drink that much last night she’s forgotten the day?_

“No Clarke! It’s Tuesday” Raven’s tone now stern and riddled with annoyance “I don’t have time to argue what day it is I have to go” she pushes past Clarke abruptly stuffing her text book into her school bag “and I suggest you change _now_ or you’re going to be later than I already am” and with that, Raven slips out the door, slamming it shut leaving Clarke wildly confused.

“What just happened?” Clarke asks herself aloud, eyes searching around for her phone; it's Saturday, she’s certain because yesterday was Friday and you don’t need a college degree to know which day follows. She reaches out and unlocks her phone; the date reads, **Tuesday November 4th**. Panic begins to build in the pit of Clarke’s stomach, her previous hunger now turned into an unsettling burning, _it’s fucking Saturday_. She checks her calendar, maybe Raven changed it; she is use to the mischievous brunette and often falls victim of her childish pranks. **Tuesday November 4th.** Without any hesitation she scrolls through her contacts until Octavia’s name appears and dials it.

“Clarke, where are you?” she’s shocked to hear Octavia’s voice to alert and awake this early.

“What day is it?” Clarke is so frantic she begins pacing back in froth in her small dorm cursing Raven’s name mentally.

“Tuesday” she says blatantly like it should be obvious to Clarke. “And you’re late for biology” she hears Octavia whisper. Clarke’s heart plummets into her stomach, she desperately pulls the phone away to see the time **8:15am** , if it was truly Tuesday she’s fifteen minutes late for class but she’s not because she knows it’s Saturday. “Clarke” another stern whisper comes from the other line “where are you?” Octavia’s tone is now softer with a hint of concern.

“Ah…” Clarke freezes her mind now running havoc; she immediately hangs up her phone, eyes darting around the room in uncontrollable confusion, as if searching for an explanation. She knows yesterday was Friday because she worked the afternoon shift after morning classes at Arcadia, the small chic café in town and once she had finished she had opted to skip the party Octavia and Raven invited her to, instead going to her parents house for dinner before her dad went interstate for work. Then obviously he must have driven her back to campus and then she joined…her plan was to join the girls at the party afterwards, Clarke cocks her head to the side trying desperately to recall the memories from last night. _Maybe I fell asleep_ she thinks, she must have because there are no recollections of any party, Raven or Octavia, just her nightmare and waking up in a sweaty mess.

 

There’s a loud thumping at her door which draw Clarke back to the present, somehow in all her disarray she’s managed to slump herself down on the edge of her bed, weary head resting comfortably in her hands.

“Clarke!” Octavia exclaims; Clarke finds herself crossing the room and opening the door abruptly. Octavia takes one quick worrying look at her before pushing her way in and pulling Clarke in along with her. “What the actual fuck?” she huffs dumping her bag onto Clarke’s study desk “where were you this morning?” the sight of Octavia pleasantly dressed and the sound of her heavy backpack hitting her desk is another harsh reminded that it is indeed, not Saturday and this wasn’t just a evil prank her friends had mustered up.

“I wasn’t feeling well” Clarke whispers, shying away from Octavia’s scrutinising stare

“Shit Clarke you look paler then…” she pauses trying to think of something more paler than Clarke skin usually is “then normal, what happened?” _“That’s what I want to know”_ Clarke screams internally she’s already feeling crazy enough so she chooses her next words carefully.

“I think I might be coming down with something, I just feel disorientated and hazy” Octavia is quick to tend to Clarke’s needs placing a cool palm against her forehead.

“Hmm…you don’t have a fever” she replies “maybe you just need some rest, with exams coming up I bet you’ve been studying nonstop” Clarke’s eyes shoot up to meet Octavia’s.

“Exams?” the confusion and disbelief obvious in her question, Octavia looks at her worryingly.

“Yes” there’s a sceptical look in Octavia’s eyes as she tries to decipher whether Clarke’s cluelessness is fake or not. “Fourth year Biology and Chemistry” Clarke’s expression remains unchanged that Octavia starts to really be concerned for her “seriously Clarke what’s going on?” Clarke’s mind is racing that she can barely hear Octavia's question, it’s like an unworldly scène of déjà vu because she’s no longer in her fourth year she’s in her fifth and she already sat her exams and pass with the highest mark in the class. It’s all too much, whatever shit her friends are pulling it’s time it came to an end.

“Funny Octavia we already sat our forth year exams you got a 84 and I got a 96” it’s Octavia’s turn to mirror Clarke’s baffled expression “ha you’ve got me! Smart idea changing the date of my phone but I must say you two have upped it by pretending to go to class and everything, well done” Octavia expression intensifies making Clarke feel slightly awkward as her friend stares at her as if she’s crazy.

“Are you okay Clarke?” Octavia eyes pinch together slightly as she processes all the information, deciding if Clarke is kidding or not. 

“Octavia” Clarke says confidently “we are in our fifth year…” from the look Octavia is giving her she decides to stop talking all together. Suddenly the atmosphere in the room becomes really awkward because Clarke knows she’s not crazy so why is Octavia looking at her like she is?

"Clarke" Octavia tone alone convinces Clarke that she indeed thinks Clarke is crazy. She holds her tongue because she knows arguing back with _”I’m not crazy”_ will make her sound even more crazy. “Come, maybe you need to lay down” Octavia gently places a reassuring hand to her friends shoulder. If it wasn’t a bad prank maybe it’s another bad dream, maybe she’ll wake and everything will be back to normal and she’ll be able to enjoy her Saturday laughing with her friends about how messed up the dream really was. It's as if Octavia can see the clogs turning in Clarke's mind through her eyes as she continues to argue with herself internally. Every part of her brain is trying to rationalise everything but the way Octavia is acting, the genuine concern and uncertainty has her doubt herself more and more.  _This has to be a dream._    


	2. A new found reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke soon discovers it's not just a nightmare as she desperately tries to come to terms with her new found reality while trying to avoid a trip to the psyche ward.

When Clarke wakes up a few hours later she feels even worse than when she did before. Her mind cloudy and her body groggy from her afternoon nap.

“Hey” Raven is sitting propped up against the wall on her bed, magazine in hand “how you feeling?”

Clarke scratches at her head, matting her already knotted bed hair “shit” her voice is low and husky “what day is it?” a flash of concern spreads across Raven’s face as she tosses her magazine to her side and joins Clarke on her bed.

“Still Tuesday” she pats a firm hand onto the blondes back “what’s going on babe?” it takes Clarke a few moments to gather her thoughts and to come to realise that this is in fact not a bad dream.

“I don’t know” Clarke sighs pinching the bridge of her nose “when I woke this morning I was certain it was Saturday” Raven fights the urge to reassure her friend deciding to just hear Clarke out in the meantime “yesterday I swear I worked the afternoon shift then went to my parents for dinner while you and Octavia went to Harper’s party”

“Who’s Harper?” Clarke’s brows were pinched together; she is growing tired of having to explain basic knowledge.

“Bellamy’s girlfriend” she doesn’t mean for it to come out so rudely but her patience is wearing thin.

“Clarke Bell doesn’t have a girlfriend; he hasn’t for a while now” her voice calm and reassuring.

“No!” Clarke is quick to her feet with both hands pressing to her temples. She knows Raven is genuinely trying to comfort her but her undertone is the same tone used to calm erratic patients and Clarke knows that she’s not crazy. “I’m not crazy Raven!”

“I know that” Raven says quickly trying to defend herself; she reaches out to grab Clarke’s forearm giving it an encouraging squeeze. Clarke sighs loudly in frustration; it’s like everything she’s known is unfamiliar to the brunette and the more she recalls the finer details the more confused Raven gets. _Am I losing my mind?_ Clarke thinks to herself, _maybe Monday night I dreamt it was Friday and now it’s just confused me, fuck I’m going crazy._ “Hey, hey it’s okay” Raven’s quick to pull Clarke into a tight embrace, seeing the stress and worry in her eyes has Raven gravely worried.

Clarke remains rigid transfixed in some kind of state of shock, it’s as if her entire world has been flipped upside down and her reality and certainty is nothing more than just a figment of her imagination, _I think I’m going to be sick._

* * *

 

“How is she?” Octavia asks politely pushing past Raven; she’s holding a large plastic bag.

“I don’t know” Raven replies quietly both women exchange disheartened looks. Clarke is sitting at the end of her bed mindlessly staring out the small dormitory window.

“Has she eaten?” Octavia asks setting down the plastic bag, she pulls out a large Styrofoam container, a small tub of yogurt and an orange.

“She’s just” Raven gestures to the emotionless Clarke “been sitting there all morning” Octavia sighs as she removes the lid filling the dorm with the subtle scent of sweet nutmeg.

“I brought soup” she said wishfully, hoping it might be an instant fix but Clarke remained motionless staring off into the distance. “Babe?” she gently places her hand onto the blondes shoulder, not wanting to frighten her.

“Hey Octavia” Clarke’s voice is a weak husk, left physically exhausted by the war waging inside her head.

“We should get her to the hospital” Raven states, she’s met with Octavia’s stern glare.

“Really subtle, thanks Rave” Octavia mumbles back “Clarke maybe you should see a doctor, get everything checked out, you know”

* * *

 

It took a lot of persuasion and even some blackmail from Raven to get Clarke into the ER department and after four and a half hours, countless blood tests and a CT scan, all three women trudge tiredly back into the dormitory. Clarke had chosen to remain mostly quiet, only rattling off a string of symptoms and wasn’t surprised to get an all clear by the attending. She is used to hospital protocol; she had spent countless hours after school there waiting for her mom to finish her shift. She also knew if she had told anyone about her dire situation it would probably mean an overnight stay on the seventh level, next to some poor soul strapped down to their bed refusing to take their medication.

“Thanks guys” Clarke mumbles as she turns to see both her friends packing away the leftover food. Raven shoots her a gentle smile, through heavy eye lids, it’s 3:30am and they all know they have classes at eight.

“Get some rest yeah” Octavia orders as she squeezes Clarke in her arms before exiting the room.

“Raven?” the soft whimper that leaves Clarke’s weary mouth has her best friend right by her side in seconds. “I think I’m going crazy” Clarke swallows hard, the last twenty four hours has left her feeling detached, like she’s just idled by in the shadows watching as the rest of the world goes by.

“You’re not crazy Clarke” Raven replies her tone earnest. With one large, deep, desperate breathe, as if mustering the courage in the oxygen around her Clarke asks.

“What if I told you two days ago when I fell asleep it was three months in the future” Clarke ignores the wild expression on Raven’s face “we were in our first week of our fifth year, I had just turned twenty four, we went clubbing at Polis, Lincoln finally asks Octavia out and Bellamy and Harper start dating and we had already sat and passed our final exams for the year” there is a haunting silence as Raven tries to process all the information.

“Clarke…” she pauses with caution, her tone riddled with fret and confusion “you know that’s not possible, right?” the silence returns, it’s itching just beneath Clarke’s skin, even though Raven hadn’t sated it, the insinuation is there and it causes Clarke to squirm uncomfortably. _Yep crazy!_ She can’t stand the way Raven is looking at her, she knows it’s not intentional and she’s grateful for her friend’s compassion but right now it’s not making her feel any better. “So you’re saying…” it’s Raven’s last attempts to try and support Clarke.

“I know it sounds crazy okay!” Clarke cuts her off, she shifts further away from her friend, frustration building by the second. She decides not to elaborate, knowing it’ll only make things worse for herself. She can’t lose grasps of her reality, however different it is to those around her, if she does she fears the worse, that maybe she is losing her mind, in turn changing everything she’s ever known leaving the rest of her structurally planned out life in complete uncertainty.

* * *

 

Her biology lecture on Thursday is nothing more than déjà vu, covering components she already knows and revising information she’s memorised before. Unfortunately for Clarke when she woke up late Wednesday afternoon she was still living this nightmare and as the hours dragged on she found it even more difficult to conform to her new found reality. She was however appreciative that both Octavia and Raven kept a watchful eye on her when they could. Dropping by in-between classes and leaving small piles of food and drinks on her bedside table. 

“You need to eat” Octavia sates as she throws Clarke an apple. This was slightly different to when she remember it last and Clarke welcomed it optimistically. She witnesses Octavia opt to skip out on a burger, instead pulling out some green health shake which Raven turns her nose to. She then sat and watches as both women began to bicker about whether or not Raven could survive a week on Octavia’s diet. Of course Raven says she could easily and even before it happens Clarke knows there is a bet about to unfold, she knows because this has already happened.

“Twenty bucks” Raven sticks her hand out proudly with a smug grin on her lips. _Then Octavia will roll her eyes and raise it by ten._

Octavia rolls her eyes “Thirty” she reciprocates the smug grin.

“Fine”

“Fine” they both shake on it but Clarke knows that mid way through Raven will break and in her drunkenness she’ll order a large burger meal and secretly eat it in her car at 2am on Sunday morning. She looks down at the apple placed in front of her, this is new and Clarke isn’t sure if it’s because she’s hungry or because this is different so she takes it either way and takes a large bite. It’s sweet and crisp and in this moment Clarke swears it’s the best apple she’s ever tasted, she relishes in it, prolonging this new experience before her phone rings pulling her back to reality. She doesn’t bother looking at the caller ID, already knowing that it’s work.

“Hey Clarke” Monty sounds stressed, Clarke can hear all the clatter from the café in the distance “can you work two til four, Anya’s out sick?” the answer is on the tip of her tongue as she’s familiar with what she said last time but she hesitates. Last time she had said no, needing to study for exams but this time, with the knowledge still fresh in her mind and desperate for anything different she agrees.

“Where are you going?” Raven’s attention is pulled away from her and Octavia’s newest quarrel.

“I’m going to cover a shift at the café” she states nodding a silent thank you to Octavia for the apple.

“What about studying for your exams?” Clarke shoots Raven a knowing smile which confuses her momentarily but she’s happy to see it coming from her best friend.

“I think I’ll be alright” with one quick turn on her heels she is walking off towards her dorm to gather her uniform.


	3. Rationalise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a brief run in with a beautiful stranger at work, but hey she meets strangers at work everyday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou everyone for the kudos and comments it really helps to write out the next chapters. I also really appreciate you taking out the time to give this piece a read. I apologise for any mistakes:

The first half of Clarke’s shift flies past, she busies herself refilling syrups, washing dishes and clearing tables. It’s a beautiful warm afternoon and she feels slightly bad for Monty who had to run the whole place by himself through lunch. She has to practically push him out the doors, reassuring him that she can handle it.

“Go Monty you look exhausted” she can see it in his eyes that he is genuinely grateful, yet he still hesitates to leave. “I got this, go”

Monty sighs in defeat, picking up his work bag and huge piles of paper which Clarke can only guess is banking.  

“Fine but call me if you need anything” he sates, Clarke give him an impatient glare, gesturing towards the door with a quick nudge of her head. “Fine I’m off” and with a polite wave and another thank you, he shuffles out onto the street and disappears behind the corner.

Monty is a great boss like that, appreciative and respectful of all his employees. He works very hard and will only keep on employees who do the same, that’s why Clarke feels so comfortable here. Although it’s only been six months already, Clarke feels as if she fits in to this close knit family.    

 It has been half an hour and only a small hand full of people have come through the doors, Clarke sighs in content. This sure beats cramming desperately for exams in the library like she had done before. The bell above the door rings, signalling a customer. Clarke quickly wipes her hands dry on a tea towel and throws it back on the bench.

“I’ll be right with you” she calls out from the small back room. She lowers the lid of the dishwasher and promptly makes her way out to the front. “Hey, sorry I was just staring to clean…” Clarke unintentionally pauses, mouth suddenly dry.

The brunette shifts her gaze to meet Clarke’s eyes and Clarke tries desperately not to gawk. She swallows hard.

“What can I get you today?” Clarke asks in low husky voice, she internally shakes away the inappropriate thoughts from her mind.

“Actually I’m looking for Anya” Clarke allows her eyes to quickly trail the woman standing in front of her. Her black suit alone is enough to catch anyone’s eyes, perfectly and probably personally hand tailored to her tall slender body. But it’s not her suit that caught Clarke off guard, it was the intensity of her green eyes, how they caught the light and looked at Clarke with such power and purpose.

Clarke clears her throat “sorry she’s not in today” the woman’s brows pinch together in a slight frown, other than that her face remains stern and unreadable. “Did you want me to pass on a message?” Clarke continues, suddenly feeling a little intimidated as the woman stares at her as if she’s not meant to be there. Clarke swears she has never met anyone who held as much emotions in their eyes as this woman; she had gone from certainty to confusion then to suspicion without even saying a word. Clarke then suddenly remembers that she’s not meant to be here, well at least three months ago she wasn’t. “She’s out sick”

The woman nods in acknowledgment “don’t worry about the message, I’ll just catch her next time” and without even a gesture of wave she turns and begins to make her way out.  Clarke’s eyes rake over the figure walking towards the door, she admires the brunette’s locks of chestnut brown hair, all interracially pulled back and braided to keep it out and away from her face and how her tailored pants hug her full arse before flowing down those never ending legs. She find herself staring out into the distance to a now empty street, _fuck I didn’t even get her name!_

 

* * *

 

“How’s your sift?” Raven asks pulling her concentration away from her text book. Everything about this scenario is so familiar, from the song playing over the radio to the small Thai takeout containers scattered across her desk. There is only one thing missing and that is Clarke herself, flashbacks of her laying on Raven’s bed, flicking rubber bands at her while she studied flash before Clarke’s eyes.

“Clarke?” Raven’s voice draws her attention, she shakes away the memories and the unsettling feeling it brings her.

“Yeah, okay” she says casually, she throws her bag onto her bed and toes off her work shoes. Clarke listens carefully to the radio presenter, trying anything to distract herself from the sick scène of déjà vu that’s bubbling inside her stomach, wondering to herself if she could ever get used to this constant feeling, _probably not._

“I can’t believe that Stacy girl wins fifteen thousand dollars” it slipped out before she could even register what she had said. Raven looks up at her with a slight tilt of her head just before the words play over the radio.

“Congratulations Stacy, you’ve just won fifteen thousand dollars” the radio presenter exclaims, it is instantly followed by the excited screams of the woman and more congratulations. Raven is quick to turn off the radio leaving the room in an awkward silence.

“How did you know that?” it’s a simple question but Clarke doesn’t know how to answer it. Ever since opening up to Raven about what happened a few nights ago had earned her the crazy look, Clarke had decided to keep everything else to herself. She had convinced Raven that she had such a realistic dream, that it left her confused the next day.

“Shit Griff, what goes on inside that head of yours” was her reply, before playfully punching Clarke’s upper arm.

“Just a guess” Clarke replies with a shrug trying to act as casual as possible, by the suspicious look in Raven’s eyes Clarke knows she doesn’t buy a single word.

“That’s a pretty wild guess” Raven states, she’s now closed her text book, all focus directly on Clarke’s back. “First you had to guess the caller’s name” Clarke knows exactly where this is heading, she chews at her bottom lip nervously “then the amount the wheel falls on” Clarke can feel Raven’s scrutinizing stare on the back of her head. Gathering as much composure as she can Clarke turns to face Raven again, her friend is sitting slouched back in her chair, with arms folded across her chest.

“I don’t know Raven it was just a coincidence” Clarke knows she’s not a very good liar but it’s worth the risk because there is no way it would even cross Raven’s mind that Clarke had already lived this scenario.

Raven huffs, eyes still narrowed in suspicions “must be rigged” she says to Clarke’s relief, it’s surprising to her that Clarke was able to call it, two coincidence in ten seconds but it couldn’t be anything else so she just lets it go.

For the rest of the night Clarke is overly conscious of what she says even though she knows in ten minutes Octavia’s going to come knocking of their door begging to watch Clueless and they will, Raven will lose at rock, paper, scissors and have to cook the popcorn and burn it. Clarke chuckles to herself at the reminiscence.

“What’s so funny?” Raven asks head buried back into one of her overly large, overly complicated text books.

“Nothing” Clarke replies and just before Raven can interrogate her anymore there’s a knock at the door. Raven is the one to answer it because she is the closest and to her surprise it’s Octavia.

“I’m so fucking done with studying, I need a break” she slams the DVD against Raven’s chest as she pushes her way into the dorm.

Clarke loves the way her friends don’t have any care for pleasantries and how they just walk in and out like they own the place, It’s been like that ever since high school. She revels in their closeness and openness, thanking the high powers for such beautiful friends. There's a sting of guilt though that pulls at her heart strings, keeping such a big thing from them feels wrong.

“Not this shitty movie” Raven huffs as she rolls her eyes and closes the door behind her.

“Tough shit Rave, you picked the movie last week” Octavia bites back impatiently pushing Clarke over to make room for herself.

It’s then Clarke has an idea, previously she just sat there silently, quietly laughing to herself at her friends debacle, knowing all too well Octavia would get her way. She didn’t care anyway, she didn’t mind the movie and she knew it was better than anything Raven would’ve picked.

“Let’s watch the Lion King instead” Clarke suggest suddenly nervous and excited about the uncertainty.

“No way, this will do” Raven states clutching at the DVD in her hand, she grabs her laptop and squeeze onto the bed and just like they did three months ago, all three women curl up and watch the small screen of the laptop as the opening credits began to roll.   

* * *

 

Clarke is left tossing and turning that night, work was a nice break from her alternate reality; it gave her time to escape that disturbing scène of déjà vu. It had only been three days but already, Clarke was starting to grow tired of facing the same scenarios, learning about the same topics and listening to the same squabbles between Raven and Octavia, everything still quite fresh in her mind as it was only three month ago.

Clarke opens her eyes; the room around her is in complete darkness apart from a small silver sliver of moon peaking in behind the crack in the curtains. Although it had only been three days Clarke has figured out that even though she is presented with the same arising circumstances some play out as they did before while others change. Like taking the shift at work today, they had called her in just like they did three months ago but instead of saying no; Clarke had gone, _so why hadn’t it worked with the movie?_

She debates with herself how much she could really change and decides she will try and change as much as possible to keep things interesting. She thinks about it really deeply and persuades herself that whatever _this is,_ whatever is happening, it’s a second chance at life, to redo things differently.

She could get a higher mark in her exams while working more to earn some extra money for the extra paint supplies she couldn’t afford, she could kiss that boy on the dance floor that she was too scared too on her birthday and even miss the bump in the pavement which caused her to fall face first into the concrete in front of all her collage peers. 

Clarke doesn’t know what, why or how this is happening to her, all she knows that it is and she decides the only thing she can do is to accept it because in three months, time would’ve finally caught up with her and she will be free to continue to live the rest of her life. It is easier to accept it then it is to fight it, plus three months isn’t too long anyway, although she does still helplessly hope that every time she wakes up she’ll escape this dreadful nightmare. But in the meantime Clarke is exhausted, exhausted from constantly rationalising and waging wars inside her mind that keep her up all night, from the fear of slowly losing her mind and in turn losing her dreams of becoming a doctor and maybe even losing herself. 

        


	4. It's never just one drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is so desperate for anything different, that she's too distracted in escaping her alternate reality to realise what or even who she keeps crossing paths with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos I'm glad people are liking it, also feel free to let me know what you think. I wrote this at 4am this morning so I do apologise for any mistakes.

That month drags on, some days faster than others. On the occasional days, Clarke is able to change certain aspects, bringing on new waves of excitement, it’s days like that she lives for. Like the other week Octavia had dragged her and Raven down to the bar in town. According to Octavia Clarke had withdrawn too much, working harder then she needed too.

“You’re always working” Octavia states flipping through the trash magazine on Raven’s bed. Clarke huffs in disagreement, she knows she could be working a lot more then she is already, but there are only a certain amount of hours available at the café. “Seriously, I don’t even see you studying” concern floods her features as she tries to catch Clarke eyes “you _are_ studying right?” Clarke pauses and holds her tongue. Octavia’s using the same tone her mother does when she tries to disguise an order with a question.

“Yes Octavia I’m studying” even with her head down, focusing on her sketch she can feel the suspicious eye brow raise. “I am” this time she looks her friend square in the eyes and her reassurance is noted.

“I don’t know how you do it Griff” Octavia sighs returning to her magazine “Raven here, barely has time to shower”

“Hey!” Raven spits shooting Octavia a stern gaze. She has been so quiet that both girls have forgotten her presence. “Mechanical Engineering is no walk in the park” she hisses throwing her pen on to the desk. With a loud huff she folds her arms in frustration and slouches down further into her chair. It has been a long week, everyone, apart from Clarke, cramming every second before exam day. Even in the showers, Clarke over hears some girls bounce information off each other, like walking, talking flash cards. She grins to herself knowingly, as bad and monstrous as this _opportunity_ is, she feels thankful to not be one of those girls, the stress of exams all too familiar to any college student.

“Let’s go out” Clarke’s head whips up to meet Octavia’s wild grin, she’s serious and Clarke is more than happy to concur. There’s a whiny groan from Raven, a groan both Clarke and Octavia are all too familiar with. She usually pulls it in the cafeteria or when she’s about to take another drink, it’s the kind of groan that states I really want too but I know I shouldn’t.  “Come on, just for a few hours, a few drinks”

“I’m in” Clarke slams her sketch book shut, probably over eagerly but this week had been a drag and she was in dire need of something different, _anything different_.

Raven huffs again as both girls await her response, it looks as if she’s going to decline but then a mischievous grin replaces her stern pout and all three women know right then and there that it’s never only a few drinks.

 

* * *

 

“See so much better” Octavia exclaims over the thundering base as she hands out a generous round of drinks. Raven’s eyes immediately widen as she grips the shot glass as if it her life depended on it, actually Clarke is pretty certain it did. “Three, two…” Raven downs it at two and both women feel inclined to follow her lead. The burn is bittersweet and it pools in the pit of Clarke’s empty stomach. It warms her from the inside out and she knows with a few more of these they’ll be in the middle of the dance floor singing and dancing shamelessly. She closes her eyes for a moment and in that moment she’s lost in the way the music trembles throughout her body, deep inside her chest, for that moment everything else fades away and it’s the happiest  she’s felt ever since her world was rudely turned upside down. The moment is shorted lived when there is a sharp twinge to her shoulder.

“Ouch, fuck” she hisses wheeling her head around ready to deliver a mouthful to the drunken idiot responsible. 

“Shit, sorry!” Clarke’s swallows hard, burying all the curses and rude insults but before she can say anything the woman weaves through a crowd of dancing bodies and out of sight. Clarke remains perplexed, thinking back to where she knew the woman from. Her features are so familiar yet so impossible to distinguish amongst the flashing lights, Clarke is at a loss.

“Hey, hey” Raven’s beckoning Clarke over towards the bar “want another?” she asks smiling from ear to ear.

“I thought we were only having a few” Clarke yells, Raven waves a pass at the statement.

“It’s never just a few with us” Clarke grins; she knows Raven will regret this in the morning.

“Amen to that” Clarke eagerly takes the shot of whatever it is. It hits her straight in the back of her throat and the burn is unrelenting, she coughs and splutters but manages to get it down “the fuck was that?” she spits, eyes pinched tight. Raven is in hysterics she uses the bar to keep herself upright as she laughs uncontrollably at Clarke expense. She downs her shot, taking it a lot better than Clarke but still clenching her eyes at the after burn.

“Pure poison my friend” she says with a wicked grin and it’s then that Clarke notes to never trust Raven with drinks.

* * *

 

It’s 1am when all three women come crashing into the small dorm. It doesn’t take long for them to get change and into something more casual and thanks to Raven secret stash, the alcohol keeps spilling.

“Come on come on gather round” she orders as Clarke and Octavia make themselves comfortable on the floor between the space of the two beds.

“Never have I ever cheated on an exam” Raven states thrusting the bottle of bourbon towards Octavia.

“It was once and it was off you” she replies defensively “and you got the question wrong anyway”

“Did it on purpose, teaches you not to cheat” Raven bites back a smug grin twitching at the corner of her lips. Octavia takes a confident swig showing no signs of discomfort.

“Never have I ever cheated” she hands the bottle over to Clarke.

“Come on, this isn’t fun if we already know the answers” she states dully looking at the liquid contents of the bottle.

“Then hurry up and take your swig and ask a better question” Octavia quips back, stretching her legs out and settling in her position. Clarke doesn’t take the burn as boldly, she hesitates and sits in the back of her throat longer than she would’ve liked.

“Never have I ever…fantasised about a friend” to Clarke’s surprise Raven’s hands shoots out to grab the bottle and she takes a gulp.

“What who?” Octavia asks as she eyes the girl sitting opposite her; Clarke raises a curious eye brow equally interested, she’s even more surprised when Raven’s eyes dart over towards her.

“No way” Clarke replies in disbelief.

Raven shrugs casually “what you’re hot, it’s not like I’d ever date you, ew”

“Gee thanks” Clarke isn’t too sure how to feel, the sudden whiplash of being complimented and rejected at the same time.

“Yeah seriously Clarke when’s the last time you’ve been with someone?” Octavia asks snatching the bottle out of Raven’s hands.

It’s Clarke’s turn to shrug; she nervously plays with the hems of her pants “since Finn I guess”

“Eh” Raven huffs rolling her eyes in disgust at the name, Octavia flicks her foot out and kicks Raven in the shins “Ow fuck!” Raven hisses soothing the tender spot, both Clarke and Octavia laugh at her.

“But seriously Clarke there’s no one?” Octavia politely hands the bottle over as if encouraging her to drink more in hopes she will open up.

The burn isn’t as bad the second time around and by now her head is swimming in a drunken haze, she swallows hard.

She shakes her head sheepishly, sure she has spied some attractive people but at the moment Clarke has been more distracted by more pressing issues then dating.

“Damn” Raven replies drearily “and here I thought you’ve been so reserved lately because you were getting some” 

The rest of the night consisted of less drinking and more shit talking, mostly coming from Raven. It’s 4:30am before they all settle in to bed, Raven sharing with Clarke and Octavia happily spaced out on Raven’s.

“Spoon me and you’re dead” Raven hisses jokingly as she wriggles in, Clarke snorts at the comment. She closes her eyes and takes a moment, tonight had been one of the best nights she’s had in two and a half months that she had almost forgotten her predicament, _almost._

 

* * *

 

The next few weeks are a drag and Clarke almost considers opening up her own private psychic business, at least she’d be able to pull in some extra cash seeing as the café has dramatically quietened down over the holidays. Exams had come and gone and to Clarke’s disappointment she only managed to better her score by one.

“Dude relax you got the highest score in the class” Octavia states sitting herself next to her, Clarke watches as she trails her fingers in the sand.

“Yeah I know” Clarke sighs, maybe she should’ve spent some extra time revising then maybe she could’ve achieved full marks. It’s somewhat disappointing falling three marks shy especially when you already know what the exam questions are, but she could never tell Octavia that.

The sun is blistering as it sits high up in the afternoon sky, Clarke can barely see anything as it reflects off the ocean. She’s hot and bothered and would’ve preferred to be in the air conditioning but Octavia had rejected the idea reminding Clarke that it was tradition after exams to spend it on the beach, celebrating the end of yet another year. Although for Clarke it wasn’t the end of another year, it is the same end to the same year. It annoys her to think about the time wasted, instead she would already be half way through her fifth year like she was supposed to be, she huffs.

“Hey” Octavia gently bumps her to bring her back from her thoughts “at least now we can relax” she reminds Clarke. It only reminds Clarke that she no longer has exams to use as an excuse to explain her withdrawn behaviour. Yes she had settled on accepting her new found reality, however unworldly and impossible it may be but there is still a huge part of her that can’t be at peace with it. The only thing that keeps her sain now, is the fact in one week she’ll turn twenty four and a week after that finally she’ll be where she was before and everything else will fall right back into place. Maybe if she tries hard enough she can convince herself that this _situation_ never happened in the first place.

Clarke isn’t sure why but the emerging figure catches her eyes, maybe it’s the length of those unbelievably toned legs as they approach closer, no, it’s definitely the tone of those deliciously looking abs. She’s not proud of it but she doesn’t stop herself either as she allows her eyes to rake over the jogging figure in loose orange shorts and nothing but a black Nike sports bra. As her eyes travel upwards to prominent collar bones, high cheek bones and brown curly locks pulled back into a tight pony tail Clarke catches a quick glimpse of green eyes as the woman jogs right past them. When she goes to double take the woman is already jogging off into the distance and it’s all too fast for Clarke to really appreciate the beauty.

“We should start running” Octavia says clearly left as affected as Clarke, both women laugh knowing that it will never happen.


	5. One Step Forward Three Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Friday night and Clarke is on edge, a nervous excited edge because finally tomorrow will be Saturday, the right Saturday, the one she’s been waiting for, for three months now. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: DRINK SPIKE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty heavy chapter, so I do apologise if it's not for everyone, always interested in what you think so chuck in a comment and thanks again for all the kudos and support, thanks for all the comments and I'm glad you're all invested! I do promise in from now on in it gets heavy CLEXA!

Clarke could not be happier; surprisingly the past few weeks have flown by, the promise of tonight being the last night of this horrible journey has her in a celebratory mood. Her birthday had gone smoothly, just like last time as people slowly filled the small bar down town.

“Happy birthday Griffin” Bellamy exclaims over all the buzz and excitement around them. He leans forwards and pulls her in close for a tight embrace.

“Thanks Bell” she replies, once apart she looks around the room “where’s Harper?”

“Talking with Octavia” he gestures with his head towards his younger sister and girlfriend obviously caught up in some wildly fascinating story, given by the smug grin plastered on Octavia’s face.

Clarke makes her way over and Harper pulls herself away from Octavia for a moment.

“Hey Clarke, happy birthday” she leans over and wraps her arms tightly around Clarke “I was just telling Octavia that Bellamy enlightened me on the story when you guys were still in high school” Clarke glares suspiciously up at the older Blake, there were many, many stories, most resulting in Clarke making a complete fool of herself.

“You know the one, when you turned seventeen” Clarke sighs of course it had to be that story.

“In my defence, I was never good at surprises” everyone laughs “It’s not like you were any help Octavia” Clarke quickly quips.

“Me? what was I supposed to do, by the way Clarke were all planning a surprised birthday party at your house so maybe don’t come crashing through the front door all hot and flustered with another woman around your waist” everyone laughs again as a blush of embarrassment spreads across Clarkes pale cheeks, she still can’t shake the look on her mother’s face.

“Howling _birthday sex_ in front of my parents isn’t exactly any consolation” Clarke mumbles, she tries to hide her blush behind her bottle of beer.

“Someone had to break the awkward silence” Octavia casually shrugs, she clearly has no regrets.

“Maybe tonight, keep it in the bedroom” Harper says still grinning wildly at Clarke’s misfortune.

The rest of the night was spent dancing and drinking, thankfully after spending a few hours retelling embarrassing stories. Clarke had noticed that in too many stories, Raven’s influence was detrimental and that drunk Clarke should probably not listen to her advice anymore. The alcohol keeps flowing and by midnight Clarke has had enough to drink to forget about everything that has happened in the past few months. Her confidence now growing with every bitter sip of her beer and she’s happy to just lose herself in the music thundering through her body. Music is Clarke’s second release; if she wasn’t in the mood to paint, she’d find comfort in just losing herself in the bass, listening closely as the lyrics flow through the speakers.

She decides after four beers and three shots that it’s time to kiss the boy who hasn’t taken his eyes off of her in the past thirty minutes. Their lips crash together messily as she allows her hips to sway freely to the bass of the song. It’s not the best kiss, but it’s not too horrible, it’s just very… _drunkenly eager._ His stubble scratches and itches against her face and just before their tongues intertwine Clarke pulls away but still remaining close. She turns and drives her hips lower, swaying and grinding confidently to the beat.

That night she didn’t bother leaving with a name, instead Octavia has suggested they all go down to the beach for a night swim. The bar is at complete capacity and it’s a tight squeeze to slip out the glass doors.

“Sorry” Clarke husks as her shoulder collides roughly with another’s as both women try to occupy the small doorway.

“It’s okay” the woman’s voice is strong and low and it triggers a shiver to run down Clarke’s spine. Through her heavily drunken gaze she can barely make out the figure in front of her, but everything about those intense green, powerful eyes feel so familiar. The moment is short lived because the woman in the elegantly fitted, tight black dress has already squeezed past Clarke and lost amongst the sea of dancing bodies.

“Come on birthday girl” Raven pulls Clarke’s arm, maybe if Clarke wasn’t so drunk she would’ve spent some time recalling where she’d seen those eyes before.

* * *

 

It’s Friday night and Clarke is on edge, a nervous excited edge because finally tomorrow will be Saturday, the right Saturday, the one she’s been waiting for, for three months now. She doesn’t like to think about it, the vision stilled burned into the back of her eye lids. It’s the only reason to why she passes on dinner at her parents, not wanting her dad or her to drive at all that night. Instead she’s at Harpers party, another new experience to her previously, mostly predictable life. It’s a lot bigger than she thought it would be, but the vibe is positive and everyone seems to be having a great time.

She spies Octavia and Lincoln standing in the corner of the brightly lit room, Octavia looks happy. Her smile radiating up through her eyes as she fits perfectly in the space between Lincolns arm and his unbelievably ripped body. A warm rush of fondness creeps up through Clarke’s chest, she’s happy for them, they are a great match and she’s even more happy that Octavia has found herself a keeper.

“Hey there you are” Raven messily hands Clarke a red plastic cup, she takes it hesitantly remembering last time Raven had offered her a drink.

“This isn’t some concoction of death is it?” she asks hastily, sniffing at the unknown contents. Raven huffs but there is a mischievous grin playing on her lips.

“If bourbon and coke is deadly, we’re all dead” she winks snatching the drink out of Clarke’s hand and taking a confident sip. It’s a cool relief as it washes back across her tongue; _tonight’s going to be good._

Harpers house is average size, there’s an open planed kitchen, dining and lounge room giving ample space for people to stand around and mingle. The outside is fairly small but enough for at least twenty people to sit comfortably to drink and smoke. Clarke finds herself sitting contently outside with the rest of the gang, Octavia and Lincoln sharing a chair happily, Raven to her left, and Bellamy to her right.

“What a year” Raven sighs in relief, she tilts her beer to the sky and everyone joins in, _no shit_ Clarke thinks cheering to the night sky. Everyone takes a quiet moment, reminiscing over past events.

“Remember that time Raven forgot her pants when she went to the showers” Clarke steers her head towards Octavia, a beaming smile tugging at her lips.

“Forgot!” Raven spits she’s so wound up that she nearly spills her drink “more like you took them before I could notice” Clarke laughs practically hard at the devilish glare in Ravens eyes “you’re not innocent either, thanks a load for locking me out the dorm half naked” everyone erupts in a fit of laughter.

It’s close to midnight and Clarke’s buzzing on the prospects of tomorrow, she has lost track of her drink but she’s pretty sure it’s the one still sitting by the fridge.

“Hey you need another drink?” Raven’s a little clumsy on her feet but Clarke has seen her a lot worse. Clarke holds up her half empty cup indicating she’s okay, for now at least. It hasn’t even been ten minutes when suddenly the magnitude of what Clarke has drunk throughout the night hits her all at once. Shortly everything around her begins to blur, sounds and movements merging into a whirlwind of chaos.

“Hey Clarke, you okay?” Bellamy asks placing a strong steadying hand upon Clarke’s shoulder; she can barely make out his familiar features. “Clarke” his tone is stern, but Clarke finds it hard to focus on him. “Oi Octavia” he exclaims waving a hurried hand over towards his sister. Octavia’s wheels her head around, something about the tone in Bellamy’s voice causes her stomach to flip. She slams her cup down onto the closest flat surface as she catches Bellamy struggling to keep Clarke upright, there’s a surge of adrenaline pumping through her veins now, a worried heat spreading from her chest.

“What happened?” Octavia asks hastily, grabbing hold of Clarke’s other arm. By now she’s merely resembling a wrag doll, unable to support her own weight and completely incapable of formulating a sentence.

“I think she’s been drugged” Bellamy is equally worried, he keeps a stoic face but his eye’s can’t disguise his fear.

“Take her up to the room” Octavia huffs stepping back as she allows Bellamy to sweep her up into a tight hold. “Hey Clarke, you’re going to be okay” Octavia reassures; she reaches out and squeezes a limp hand in reassurance. Within seconds Raven comes crashing through the crowd that’s steadily grown around the mishap.

“What’s going on?” she asks suddenly a lot sober than what she was thirty seconds ago, her eyes dart up towards the staircase.

“Go” Octavia exclaims pushing Raven up towards the stairs “I’m going to call an ambulance” the panic in Octavia’s voice and the way her eyes swell up in frightful tears has Raven clambering up the staircase as fast as she can.

“Bellamy!” she yells.

“In here” he yells back, Raven storms through the bedroom door and it’s a sight she instantly knows she can never un-see. “Raven I think she’s been drugged” he states, all composure crumbling away as the minutes pass.

“What” Raven hisses she lunges forwards to see Clarke barely sitting up, propped over a bucket. “Hey Clarke, Clarke” Raven reaches out and attempts to pull away her golden locks from her face. Clarke tries her best to look up and find the owner of that familiar voice but the intensity of the room merging all together in one big blur is too overwhelming, her eye lids are heavy, voices are muddled and sounds come in waves. All she wants to do is just close her eyes, her body aches and she’s tired, exhausted, she just needs to close her eyes. “HEY” her eye lids shut, “EYES OPEN” she thinks she can’t but somehow they fly open again capturing a disarray of bright lights and blurring figures “CLARKE”. 

Clarke shoots up, eyes wide, heart pounding beneath her chest and her forehead drenched in sweat. She looks around at the darkened room, over at her desk, her wardrobe and Raven passed out in her bed. Her chest heaves as she struggles to drag in the vital oxygen she needs to not pass out. Flashes of what she just saw, Raven yelling, crying, muffled screams and shouts flash before her eyes. _It was just a dream_ she breathes more steadily _just a bad, bad dream._ Suddenly her heart is pounding once again against her ribs she’s certain it’ll crack them as she frantically searches for her phone. This situation feeling all too familiar, déjà vu in full effects. _No it can’t be,_ she thinks to herself throwing away her covers, _no fucking way,_ she lifts up her pillow, _impossible,_ she sees her phone in the corner of her bed and presses the home screen, **Tuesday November 4th.** _Not again._


	6. The Theory of Twin Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke uncovers the only explanation and given her current predicament, anything can be possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry this took so long, moving to the other side of the country has been one crazy experience but thankyou for all being so patient.  
> This chapter dips into the twin flame theory, a complex theory some people believe in and some may not and I'm sorry in advance if it doesn't sit well with some people's religious/spiritual beliefs. I apologise for any mistakes.
> 
> Twin Flame Theory  
> At the moment of a soul’s creation it was split into two halves, each exploring a different aspect of spirituality or duality. One side is the divine masculine spirituality; the other is divine feminine spirituality. A twin flame is essentially the other half of your soul.  
> Twin flames don’t often go though reincarnations at the same time. Usually one will reincarnate while the other stays and assists from the higher realms. As your soul progresses, the time may come for you to be reunited with your twin flame on the physical plane. This person can be of the same or opposite sex, but spiritually they will encompass the yin or yang essence to complement yours.  
> When you are with a twin flame you feel complete. This person is a true mirror of yourself, which may prove to be challenging. Yet while the relationship may have its difficulties, there is an unconditional love and bond that sticks. A twin flame is like the ultimate soul mate. Although you can have many soulmates, you can only have one twin flame.

Clarke doesn’t sleep, she barely even moves from the curled up right position she’s managed to get herself in. Her knees are drawn close to her chest, while her arms wrap tightly around them. Usually her brain would be imploding at this new development but instead there is… _nothing_. Was this her brains way of protecting itself? Shutting its self down from all the uncertainty so it didn’t drive her to complete madness?  She checks her phone again, it reads the same date just like it did the other four times she checked it. _This is impossible._ Yet here she is at four thirty in the morning, consumed completely by the sleepless silence.

“Fuck” she throws herself backwards with a loud thud against the wall, hot tears stinging her cheeks. _What is my life now?_ She thinks; _re-runs of the same three months forever?_ The thought is too daunting; the uncertainty of it all has her skin itching, frustration building with every unanswered second that passes by. Clarke’s eyes narrows down on the remnants of a half full bottle of bourbon, she sluggishly pushes herself away from the wall and starches out to grab it. _Surely Raven won’t mind,_ she’ll buy her a new one tomorrow. She confidently unscrews the cap and revels in the burn, happy to feel... _something_. The more she sips on it the less it begins to burn and it’s not long until her brain turns to a drunken haze.     

She glances over at her phone, _surely this is different;_ she contemplates, thinking back to when she’s needed questions answered before. A huge part of her feels stupid but curiosity outweighs the decision.

Clarke stares blankly at the Google search bar, fingers tapping the screen of her phone anxiously. It doesn’t matter how many times she tries to rephrase it, it looks ridiculous. After numerous failed attempts and wasting an hour and a half sifting through song lyrics, famous quotes and medical articles (implying that she seek further medical attention immediately) Clarke is about ready to throw her phone across the room. She takes a quick glance at Raven, knowing any moment now the brunette will wake. It’s then Clarke realises she’s never felt this alone, the tears swelling up in her eyes once more.

Raven stirs and Clarke freezes, panic beginning to build as she stuffs the empty bottle underneath her blanket. Clarke throws herself into her bed and closes her eyes, faking sleep seems to be easier then explaining why she’s drunk at six in the morning on a Tuesday.

Clarke listens intently as Raven curses under her breath, obviously flustered. There’s a sharp tap to her shoulder as Clarke turns to face the brunette.

“Hey, you’re going to be late” Ravens sates “have you seen my physics text book?”

“Underneath you’re jeans on the floor” Clarke replies automatically.

“Thanks” Raven huffs quickly stuffing it into her backpack, just before she’s about to exit the room she turns to her roommate “better get up, seriously, you’re going to be late” and the door slams shut behind her.

* * *

 

It’s eleven thirty before Clarke decides to get out of bed, sleep long forgotten as she wastes hours pondering. The idea of just staying curled up in her bed for the next three months seem too tempting but she knows her friends will never allow it. By now Clarke’s stomach is burning, she’s certain that the alcohol has somehow burnt through the delicate linings of her stomach, she groans. Clarke's already missed her first two lessons of the day and ignored three calls from Octavia. She grabs her jacket and keys, food now her first priority. 

She’s not sure why or even how she’s ended up outside of her work, but she’s here now and the bittersweet smell of freshly ground coffee and pastries lure her inside. It’s busy; many of the office workers on their lunch breaks wait patiently in line as Clarke slips through and makes her way towards the counter.

“Clarke” Monty greets her with a warm smile “didn’t know you were in today”. Clarke shakes her head as she reaches over the counter to pick up the sheet of rosters.

“I’m not but can I put my name down for the rest of the week?” Monty nods and hands her a pen.

“Take it out back, get Anya to grab you something” Clarke smiles appreciatively as she slips through the small counter door and makes her way towards the small room out the back.

“Yeah I’m just about to start, just pop round and give it to me then” she hears Anya say, they both exchange friendly smiles as Clarke begins to flip through the rosters. “Okay, see you in five”.

Clarke is busy writing her name and number down when Anya slips her phone into the small pocket of the apron, “you working Griffin?” Clarke shakes her head and shows Anya the rosters “hmm, you want to take my Thursday shift?” Anya asks looking down at the scribbled name at the bottom of the page.

“Sure” Clarke replies eagerly, Anya nods in confirmation and just as she’s about to slip out to the front and clock in Clarke calls out. “Do you think you can make me a long black and grab me a chocolate muffin please?” Anya nods again and disappears, leaving Clarke to decide whether or not she’s willing to sacrifice a weekend for work. She knows Raven and Octavia will be busy studying but she also knows it’ll ring alarm bells if she doesn’t make an appearance.

Clarke weaves her way through waiting patrons and finds a spare seat as she waits for her order patiently. It’s a beautiful day outside and Clarke contemplates going to the park to draw, surely that will clear her mind for a bit.

“Here you go” Anya says politely as she places a plate and a steaming mug of hot coffee in front of Clarke.

“Thanks Anya” and if Clarke wasn’t so focused on being so hungry and in desperate need of caffeine she might have noticed when Anya was walking back to the counter the beautiful brunette woman who stops to talk to her. 

* * *

 

When Thursday finally comes around Clarke is eager to start work, Tuesday afternoon was spent in the park drawing and to Clarke’s dismay it wasn’t as much as a distraction then it was disaster. Her sketch pad remained blank the whole time despite the beautiful scenery around her. Usually her trips to the park are that of calmness and peace but the noise inside her head made it impossible to concentrate. She wondered if anyone else here might be facing the same unfortunate predicament and if so were they just as loss as she was?

That evening she endured two hours of interrogation from Octavia.

“You can’t skip classes Clarke” she had stated “exams are like three weeks away” Clarke bit her tongue, restraining herself from convincing Octavia that she’s got this, Octavia would never believe her anyway.

Wednesday, Clarke is certain if she hears anyone else mention molecular biology again she’ll slam her head against her desk. She imagines herself taking the marker from her lecturer’s hand, completely able to teach the rest of the class herself, _I better get full marks this time._

Thursday finally rolls around and this time Clarke regrets taking Anya’s full shift, feeling even more sorry that Monty had to survive that lunch rush by himself last time. Her first three hours fly past as she practically runs between clearing tables, taking orders and making coffees.

“Thanks for covering today” Monty says sighing in relief as the line of customers finally disappears. He tosses Clarke a cold bottle of water. Clarke is leaning up against the side counter, her feet already ache and she still has three more hours to go. Once Monty has gathered up piles of, Clarke now knows, are receipts and food orders he hurries off.

It’s been half an hour and Clarke now regrets wishing things weren’t as busy as before. At least when they were busy her mind was distracted, she didn’t have the time to think and wonder about anything. Now, in-between cleaning and waiting expectantly for customers she kicks herself mentally for not really paying any attention to who came in and out of the coffee shop three months ago. She’s sure if she had she could make up a game about it to help pass the time, _guess the next customer._ She tries anyway and fails miserably, her memory is so bad that she’s not even certain that is it the same people. Clarke realises it’s crazy how all the mediocre things in life are so easily forgotten and she mentally notes to pay more attention to everything that is going on around her. _Speaking of attention,_ Clarke is suddenly reminded of a certain stranger who did make an appearance three months ago, looking for Anya. A surge of excitement spreads outwards from Clarke's stomach, maybe this time she can remember to grab a name. For a second Clarke is thankful for whatever is happening to her, at least there’ll be a second chance.

Unintentionally she finds herself scanning the empty footpath and every time the door bell rings she can’t help the weight of disappointment in her chest when it’s not the brunette in  _that_ suit. Her shift ends and Clarke discoverers that the non appearance of the woman leaves her feeling bitter. Of course, just when she considers this whole preposterous time-loop bullshit may work out in her favour it doesn’t, she slams her dorm room door shut. She cringes at the sound of the song playing over the radio as Raven turns away from her text book.

“How’s your shift” Raven asks but it’s clearly written all over Clarke’s face, she kicks off her shoes and throws her bag onto the desk.

“Shit” Clarke huffs, at least this time the conversation is different even though Stacy is about to win fifteen thousand dollars. Clarke knows this time around not to comment, Raven eyes her suspiciously awaiting for Clarke to inform her of all the shit the day has brought on.

Instead Clarke just pulls out a chemistry text book and looks at the pages blankly. Clarke knows there’s no point in really reading it, she’s already memorised organic formulas but it’s enough to deter Raven and Clarke is relieved when she turns back to scribbling down notes in her notebook.

When Octavia is at the door, Clarke has to swallow the disgruntled groan; she is definitely not in the mood for Clueless and if she finally ever breaks free of being trapped in time, she could quite happily never watch it ever again.

“Do you mind?” Clarke asks picking up one of Raven’s trash magazines from the ground. Both girls have their eyes glued to the small laptop screen but Raven nods anyway.

Clarke is flicking through pointless pages of celebrity gossip, fashion and beauty tips when she wonders why Raven bothers wasting her money on them. She’s about to toss it aside when an article catches her eyes. _The Theory of Twin Flames,_ she scans the article.

“Pfft” Clarke grunts as she closes the magazine shut.

“What?” Octavia asks peeling her eyes away from the laptop screen. Clarke rolls her eyes as she tosses the magazine into Octavia lap.

“The shit in these magazines” Clarke says as she get up off the bed to stretch out her legs. “Some crap about twin flames”

“Oh I read that one” Octavia states flipping through the pages eagerly. “Yeah, she’s got a website dedicated to all this stuff” Clarke looks over to Raven who’s got the same sceptical look on her face. “What you don’t believe in twin flames?” Octavia almost sounds disappointed.

Raven shrugs turning her attention back to the movie “I only get those magazines for the dirty sex stories” she admits.

“Clarke?” Octavia looks up at her almost pathetically, as if, if Clarke were to say no her whole entire belief system would crumble and break.

“Ahh…” Clarke furrows her brow, her science brain knows it’s ridiculous, love in itself is just a chemical reaction in the brain but the romantic in her kind of hopes all the songs and poetry hold some truths “I dunno…maybe” she shrugs. “but who says that we reincarnate? Isn’t death just darkness, a void of...nothing?”

“Who says we don’t come back though?” Octavia argues re-reading the article “it’s not like you’ve died and you know what’s on the other side” Octavia words feel like a vice grip around Clarke’s entire body. “Think about souls as energy, we know energy can’t be destroyed so where does it go once we die?”

“Into the ground?” Raven suggests suddenly interested in the conversation.

“So all the millions of people and animals that die every day, all that energy fits into the ground?” Raven shrugs and looks to Clarke for support but Clarke is too perplexed to respond. _Had I died! Had I actually died and reincarnated_ _twice, is that what was happening?_

“What’s this website?” Clarke asks hastily, she practically jumps Octavia for her phone once she finished typing. Clarke skims over the information twice, all of it sounds so open to interpretation like those monthly horoscopes that Clarke isn’t prepared to put all her stock into such theory. "So she's saying that everyone has a twin flame and in their last lifetime they must reunite and become whole again to complete the Ascension process?" Raven lets out a dull croak indicating that she’s already lost.

“Maybe” Octavia shrugs casually “no one will ever know, but I like the idea of a love that strong and..." she doesn’t get to finish when Raven now lets out another obnoxious noise. Octavia kicks her gently and Raven rolls her eyes, she stretches out her legs and leans back as she watches the two women discuss the meaning of life in amusement. 

“So say it’s your last lifetime here, what if you die before you reunite with your twin flame?” Clarke isn't sure why it comes out so aggressively but for some reason she's hanging off every word that Octavia is saying. A huge part of her wants, _needs_ Octavia to tell her something that will magically hush the frantic thoughts inside her mind.

“I don't know” Octavia replies slightly taken aback by Clarke aggression and Clarke can't help but feel the disappointment sting inside her chest. "Maybe, I guess I'd just keep coming back until we do"

"Re-incarnate?" Octavia shakes her head and by this point Clarke's brain feels like it's going to explode. She can't understand why, the more Octavia explains the concept the more confused Clarke gets. It's like asking someone for an answer and walking away even more confused then you were originally. Clarke isn't even sure if Octavia holds all the answers or if they are even the right ones but she's looking up at her as if she does because Clarke _needs_ this, she needs something to make sense. 

"Re-incarnation is the belief you come back in a different physical body" Clarke stares at Octavia blankly "so if it's my last lifetime I'd probably just keep coming back as... _me_ until we do finally reunite"

"Wow, who knew Octavia Blake was so deep" Raven quips in before Clarke can even process Octavia's view on the matter. It earns Raven another kick to the shins.

"Not all of us are as simple as a wall" Octavia snaps back, Raven feigns hurt. "Anyway Clarke, why are you so interested?"

"Just never considered it, it's an _interesting_ concept" Clarke replies truthfully feeling slightly self-continues in how invested she sounds. 

"It's just one of those things I guess, like God, you believe in him or you don't, I don't think anyone really knows" Octavia says with a casual shrug of her shoulder.        

* * *

The twin flame theory remains at the for-front of Clarke's mind, it has robbed her of her sleep as she stares helplessly up at the ceiling, almost wishing she could find the answers up there. Had she died too soon in her last lifetime that she hadn't yet reunited with her twin-flame? Is that why she is now forced to relive the last three months of her life? The thoughts are there and Clarke tries desperately to contain the hope that comes with this possible explanation because if it's not right, if it's not why this is all happening to her, then Clarke is no closer to figuring out how to stop it. She's not even sure if she can stop it and it scares her.

She contemplates all the different things she could achieve and accomplish in the three months, it's not like it'll make any difference if she continued to wake up in her dorm bed on November forth. Maybe she could drop out of collage and travel the world, rob a bank and live on the run, Clarke shakes the thoughts out her mind. She knows it's the fear that keeps her grounded here, that keeps her from straying too far from what once was her reality because what if one time she doesn't wake up in the comforts of her dorm, Raven asleep in the bed beside her? What if instead this time loop ends and she's left with the consequences of her poor decisions whether that be dropped out of collage, in jail or somewhere half way across the world away from home. It's too much of a gamble, Clarke had decided at a young age she wanted to become a Dr and when she got her acceptance letter in the mail she was certain at that moment that's exactly what she would become. Her frantic mind clouds with tiredness, a headache pounding inside her brain in rhythm of her heartbeat. It's then in those few moments before exhaustion takes her she decides to test this twin flame theory, as it's the only possibility she's got right now, plus she's got nothing to lose and possibly the rest of her life to regain.  

   


	7. A Beautiful Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thankfully Clarke bumps into a beautiful stranger because she needs the distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter I hope you guys really like this one, it was going to be one long chapter but I split it into two just so I could give you guys something. thank you again for the kudos and comments keep them coming.
> 
> I apologise for any spelling mistakes and also things get really smutty and really detailed towards the end, I'm not sure how it happened it just did. It's my first real stab at smut so I hope it's ok, honestly this is my real first shot at a fanfic so I'm glad people are liking it.
> 
> Oh also I must warn you I am Australian just to clarify (I'm not sure if these words are any different but I'll put them here just in case):  
> Shirt = button down dress shirts  
> Coke = Coca cola  
> Chips = hot thick cut fires  
> Singlet = tank top

The lunch bar down by the pier is buzzing with casual chatter and the comforting sizzle of the grills.  It’s not to be unexpected though given the beautiful warm weather outside. It was a spontaneous decision on Clarke’s behalf to come here for lunch but it didn’t come without a price. To be precise it is a fifty dollar price, seeing as she’s the one who has to cough up the expense. The smell of charcoal and smoke fills Clarke’s lungs immediately and her stomach rumbles in response. Raven’s already placing her order before Clarke can even read the first item on the menu board.

Both Octavia and Clarke watch in disbelief as Raven practically inhales her food. It doesn’t matter how many times before Clarke has seen that girl eat, it still surprises her that Raven can fit it all inside that slim figure of hers; a small part of her envies it.

The question ‘how?’ is written all over Octavia expression but Raven chooses to ignore it as she washes the rest of her meal down with a hefty serving of coke.

“So, what’s the go during the break?” Raven asks throwing down her used serviette and slouching back into her chair.

“Well I’ve already decided we’re hitting Polis for your birthday” Octavia adds, Clarke huffs; she’s over turning twenty three, once was enough and she can’t find it in herself to be excited.

“Oh come on it’ll be great”

“It’s not like it’s a milestone” Clarke argues pushing her half eaten plate aside. This time around she would be quite happy to just sit out the celebrations, maybe curl up in bed for the night and re-watch some classic movie on her laptop. _At least you’re not aging_ she reminds herself.

“Not a chance, we’re not skipping birthdays, it’s a pack agreement” Octavia adds in and Clarke knows better than to argue seeing as she’s the one who pressed the rule. Octavia was never one for celebrations or holidays, that territory came with the absence of her parents. Without any family to celebrate with, the Griffins opened their doors to the two siblings ensuring each special occasion were always rich in warmth and love, it soon turned into tradition.

 

Raven reaches over and helps herself to the left over chips occupying Clarke deserted plate. “Plus my parents holiday house is vacant, we can congregate there for a week with the crew” Clarke wishes she can share the same excitement. The first time was unforgettable; all three of them had thoroughly planned out a relaxing week by the beach. They had gone through enough alcohol to last someone a whole year and it was all good vibes and banter between them. It had been exactly what Clarke needed to unwind and get ready for the next year ahead.  The second time wasn’t as exciting but still Clarke found herself immersed in quality conversation and mindless binging, but a third time, the aesthetic was quickly rubbing off.

“I don’t know, I was thinking of working full time at the Ark” Clarke states, she quickly raises to her feet and clears the table of all the dirty plates before her friends can loudly protests her decision.

Clarke blames it on her hasty exit because in that moment she whirls around to busk their trays, Clarke is violently knocked off her feet and thanks to the quick strong arms of the stranger in front of her; she’s spared the painful embarrassment of crashing to the cold hard floor.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry” a desperate voice cries out, the accent immediately catching Clarke’s attention.    

“No, no it’s my fault, really” Clarke reassures, she steadies herself in the tight grip and once she’s confidently found her footing Clarke is able to look up. Concerning green eyes pierce through her dazed blue ones and for a second the woman looks familiar, if only Clarke can place it. She pulls away from the vice like grips, straightening out her green shirt. Clarke can feel the heat rushing up to her cheeks so she dives down to clear the mess on the floor to try and cover her embarrassment.

“Again, I’m really sorry” the woman apologises again “Here let me get that” Clarke knows it’s not the strangers fault but the sweet gesture has her blushing uncontrollably. Clarke pauses, she finds herself face to face with the brunette and this time she allows her eyes to trail over the woman that is in front of her. She’s dressed in loose black running shorts and a tight dark grey singlet, she’s lean and Clarke scolds herself mentally for allowing her imagination to take an inappropriate turn. Clarke breaks the momentary eye contact, diverting her attention back to the scattered mess on the floor. For some reason though, the finer details remain sketched into Clarke mind, like how the small baby hairs, dampened with sweat frame the sides of her face and the way her lips deliciously part as they take in a staggered breathe before swallowing hard or the way those emerald eyes look at her with a sense of familiarity, like it isn’t the first time she's seen Clarke. She’s undeniably beautiful, dressed in nothing but daggy sportswear and it has Clarke suddenly nervous.

“Ah thanks” Clarke mumbles under her breathe, both women now return to their standing posture. “I should really look where I’m going, I’m sorry” she’s rewarded with a warm smile and a gentle nod and Clarke has to remind herself not to stare because that’s rude.  

“Miss Woods” There’s a loud call from the man behind the counter and the brunette turns her attention away.

“That’s me” she says politely and with that gentle smile that turns Clarke’s inside  to liquid, she turns to grab her meal and before Clarke can even plot her next move she’s disappeared out the door. Clarke clenches her jaw tight, one small smile from a pretty girl and she’s reduced to a mumbling mess, she sighs. Clarke turns to glare at her two friends; she could feel their smug grins on her back the whole time.

“What the fuck was that?” Raven asks with an uncontrollable snicker.

“Shut up” Clarke grumbles through gritted teeth, the burning heat of embarrassment returning.

“Please tell me you got a name?” Octavia asks knowing all too well Clarke hadn’t but the temptation in highlighting the fact is too good to pass up.

“Oh fuck!” Clarke whines as she turns and slumps herself down in the chair, her best friends proudly relishing in her misfortune.

 

* * *

 

“I can’t believe you forgot to get a name” Raven jabs as the door to their dorm swings open. “Shit Griffin you used to be so smooth”

“What was I supposed to do? I almost rendered myself unconscious ploughing into her” Clarke grumbles as she plonks herself down onto her bed.

“Did you not see the way she looked at you?” Octavia asks eye brows quirked up as if Clarke should’ve know better.

“Ha, did you see the way Clarke looked at her?” Raven is still snickering despite the poor attempt to hide it with her arm.

“Fuck off Raven” Clarke spits but her clear frustration makes Raven laugh even harder “I got her last name though” it’s a slim chance and Clarke knows it.

“Last name doesn’t help either” Octavia states sitting herself next to Clarke “there’s like a thousand Woods, and given by her accent she’s not from around here” Clarke glances helplessly down at the Facebook screen. “My money she’s Australian” Octavia’s right, even if assuming she even has Facebook it still doesn’t narrow it down.

“What are you going to do when you find her? Wait until she posts a new photo with a location and _‘coincidently’_ bump into her again” Raven teases but to Clarke that doesn’t sound like a bad plan and she perks up immediately to the idea. She is instantly shot down by the unapproved glares from both her best friends.

“That’s fucking creepy Griffin” Raven tosses her pillow towards her best friend to show her disapproval.

“No Facebook stalking” Octavia snatches the phone out of Clarke hands “you’re just going to have to hope you run into her again” Clarke sighs, since when had she become so shit at this.

 

* * *

 

Another few weeks pass and Clarke isn’t sure if she’s getting used to the whole time loop concept or the fact that every time she closes her eyes, wide emerald green ones are staring back at her that’s keeping her distracted by her unfortunate quandary. Either way Clarke is distracted and yet despite her desperate effort of loitering around The Bait Shop she never sees the woman again.

Clarke’s absences from their group study sessions don’t go unnoticed but her knowledge on exam topics are impeccable so her friends don’t hassle her about it. Clarke is certain it’s a good thing because the last few times around Raven seems more focused and they seem to have a bit more free time on their hands.

This time around Clarke is a little reluctant to jump at the idea of the spontaneous night out for only a ‘few drinks’. But given the desperation on Octavia face and knowing how hard they had both been studying the weeks leading up to tonight Clarke feels inclined to join in. 

All three girls sink their shots on the count of two and Raven is sporting that knowing grin as the alcohol begins to course through her veins. Clarke makes an extra effort to drink as much as humanly possible, she’s already four drinks ahead of where she was last time and this time, when there’s a sharp twinge to her shoulder it almost knocks her off balance.

“Hey!” she spits whirling her head around, partly surprised by the fact this is happening again but equally ready to bite back.

“Shit, sorry” the instant recognition is evident on both women’s face. This time it’s not just _a_ _beautiful stranger_ that’s crashed into her, it’s _her beautiful stranger._  

“We really need to stop bumping into each other” Clarke exclaims over the loud music and she’s rewarded with the gentle smile she hadn’t realised she’d been missing so much over the past few weeks until this very moment.

“It’s just pay back for the other time” it’s a quick bite back and it’s Clarke’s turn to return the smile.

“So you remember?” the woman pauses and turns her body to directly face Clarke and Clarke can swear she’s about to burst into flames underneath the intense stare of the taller woman. There’s a small smirk at the corner of her lips and Clarke blames it on the alcohol because all she wants to do, is kiss it away.

“You did leave me with a burse for a few days” the woman explains looking down at Clarke’s arm “I barely touched you, see?”

“So we’re not even?” the smirk breaks out completely over the other woman’s lips and Clarke subconsciously licks her own because it’s left her mouth suddenly dry.

Clarke holds her breath as the woman closes the small distance between them “not even close” she practically whispers in Clarke’s ear, for a moment it renders her speechless.

“Well do you take drinks as compensation?”

“As a matter of fact, I do” Clarke exhales, a tidal wave of excitement washes over her as she follows the tall brunette towards the bar.

* * *

 

Clarke keeps the beautiful woman dressed in tight black slacks and crisp white shirt in the corner of her sights. She grins smugly as she catches the other woman’s eyes dip down to her lower waist; she knew she wore this tight black dress for a reason.

“What are you drinking?” the strangers eyes snap back up to Clarke’s, completely unaware she’s been caught.

“Scotch on the rocks”

Clarke repeats the order to the boy behind the bar and places her own. She’s too busy digging through her purse to notice the woman handing over a fifty dollar bill and it’s not until she’s receiving the change Clarke snaps “hey!”.

“A simple sorry for knocking into you”

The boy hands the drinks over, they cheers before Clarke breaks the momentary silence.

“I’m Clarke by the way” she’s determined to not make the same mistake as last time. She watches as the woman cocks a curious eyebrow. She’s hard to read and Clarke’s not sure if she’s grinning from behind the lip of the glass or if she’s taken by surprise by the introduction. Maybe this was just a simple ‘sorry’ gesture with no intention in exchanging pleasantries.

“Clarke” her tongue clicks the ‘ _k’_ and even amongst all the noise and chaos in the club her name sounds heavenly coming from the woman’s lips “I’m Lexa” she holds out a waiting hand. Instantly Clarke’s hand is alight with warmth, as soft yet strong fingers wrap around the base of her wrist. Maybe it’s Clarke being too hopeful but she swears the polite hand gesture lasts a moment longer then it needs too.

“Do you want to grab a table out the back?” Lexa asks casually gesturing towards the exit beside the bar. Clarke leads the way, with Lexa hot on her heels. It’s significantly quieter in the beer garden and Clarke is finally able to hear her own thoughts. They manage to snag a table right after a group of people leave.

“So what’s the occasion?” Clarke opts to skip the cliché _“so what brings you here?”_ line _._ Lexa takes a confident gulp of her drink, not even flinching a muscle at the burn it would’ve left behind.

“Blowing off steam after work, you?”

“My friends need to blow off some steam before exams and I just came along for the fun” it’s the truth and for some reason Clarke felt completely inclined to be honest even though it would’ve been a lot easier to state _“my friends and I”._  

“So unlike the majority of the students around the state at this very moment, you’re cool calm and collective?” Clarke nods her head confidently “so, either really smart or cheating your exams?”

Clarke chuckles, she appreciates Lexa wit “I’m confident in my abilities” she husks and there’s that eye brow raise again and this time Clarke has to hide her smug grin behind the lip of her glass.

An hour passes and to Clarke’s surprise, she’s spent most of the time talking about herself. It doesn’t seem to bother Lexa at all, Clarke has more than once lost herself in the forest of green as she listens intently and laughs at all of Clarke’s silly jokes. The questions keep coming and without thinking twice, Clarke answers them honestly. The conversation flows so easily with Lexa, like reuniting with an old childhood friend, Clarke feels as if she could talk for hours. There’s plenty of reminiscing and the way Lexa smiles at the old stories are as if she’s remembering them herself as if she were there.

“Anyway” Clarke’s cheeks feel as if they are on fire, her stomach burning from laughter “that was my seventeenth”

“And the woman around your waist, what happened to her?” there’s a slight shift in Lexa demeanour, if anything her voice becomes deeper.

“Oh, she was gone in a heartbeat never saw her again” Clarke grins, she notices Lexa’s eyes dip down towards her lips before reconnecting with her own again. Instead of the gentle green that was once there they are now blown black, darken with hunger. Clarke can’t fight off the urge anymore, she had been staring hopingly at those lips for two hours now, wondering how soft and sweet they would feel against her own. Before she can over think it and convince herself not to, Clarke’s hand wraps gently around Lexa’s neck as she crashes their lips together. It’s not too rough but it’s hard enough to imply the impatient wait behind it. Clarke lets out a gentle moan in relief as she feels Lexa kissing her back, their lips moving in perfect sync as she allows Lexa to take her bottom lip. In this moment Clarke is certain she could just melt, her whole entire body becomes weightless as she relishes in the bittersweet taste of scotch and the sweetness that is completely Lexa. Clarke deepens the kiss; she glides her tongue ever so attentively across Lexa’s bottom lip awaiting permission. It’s eagerly granted and met with a supporting arm around her waist as a rush of heat courses through her body, pooling between her thighs when their tongue touch. Lexa is gentle, allowing Clarke to lead and there’s a low growl in response to Clarke’s little nip to her lower lip that suggests she enjoys the mild kink. Clarke is quick to sooth the sting with a swirl of her tongue, one hand now gently squeezing Lexa’s knee the other tangled in array of chestnut brown locks.

“Clarke” Lexa gasps as she pulls away, her eyes remain locked on Clarke’s, chest heaving slightly. Her eyes remain dark and determined, her facial expression not giving away any signs of hesitation. Clarke bites the inside of her lower lip nervously waiting for what Lexa has to say. She’s not ready for this to end, the kiss as short lived as it was had quickly become addictive and everything about Lexa is drawing her in like a magnet.

“I’m not looking for a relationship” it’s clear and direct, it’s not what Clarke was expecting but yet it’s better than what she was expecting.

“I’m not asking for one” again it’s honest, unfortunately it does remind her of her current situation. In a few months she might find herself reliving these three months again and the chances of running into Lexa are unknown, establishing anything more than just one night would be unwise. Lexa stare intensifies, almost as if searching for any signs of misguided truth but she seems satisfied with Clarke initial response.

 

* * *

 

“ _Fuck_ ” Clarkes breathlessly husks and for the first time since they’ve met, Clarke sees the affect her voice has on the other woman. Lexa's knees buckle slightly, allowing her weight to fall against Clarke as she holds her pinned to Lexa’s closed bedroom door.

“Are you ok?” Lexa mumbles into the crook of Clarke’s neck, the vibrations of her words sending electrifying chills down Clarke’s spine. Clarke just nods not trusting her voice at this given moment.

Somehow they had wound up in a cab; Clarke barely had the time to shoot a quick text to Raven, informing her of Clarke’s whereabouts before Lexa started the assault on her lips once more. The kiss was hot, teeth clashing, lip bruising hot as desperate hands seek to draw their bodies closer. It had both girls breathless by the time they reached Lexa apartment.

From what Clarke could see of Lexa’s apartment as they shuffled down the small hallway into Lexa’s room were all chic and modern. Her décor consisted of crisp whites and light woods, keeping the place bright and seemingly spacious. Everything seemed to have its specific place; it was free from clutter and spotless.

 

Lexa’ lips are pressed hard up against Clarke’s, capturing her lower lip between her teeth gently. Clarke can’t bury the breathy gasp that escapes from deep inside her chest and she’s rewarded with a low growl of appreciate from Lexa. Her hands are balled tight atop of Lexa’s chest, crinkling the cotton fabric that’s beneath them as she pulls the brunette in closer. There so close now that Clarke can feel the hot breath against her lips as they rest their foreheads together, parting for a moment to catch their breath. Clarke looks down to Lexa’s shirt, now ruffled and untucked. She feels Lexa’s hands loosen from around her waist and glide effortlessly around her hips, along her sides and up towards her ribs. Clarke’s eyes flutter close in anticipation as Lexa methodically ghosts over the sides of her breasts and rest upon her shoulders.

“May I?” she asks, Clarke’s knees almost give out from the respectful gesture, keeping her eyes closed, Clarke nods her unspoken permission. Lexa takes her time slipping the fine fabric off of Clarke’s shoulders. She follows the smooth motion with delicate kisses starting from the beginning of her collar bone, over her shoulder and stopping midway down her forearm. The gentleness of it all causes the breath to hitch in the back of Clarke’s throat. She can feel the brunette’s warm smile against her skin. Lexa pulls Clarke away from her door and into the middle of her room; she pauses momentarily allowing her gaze to linger over the skin that’s on display. Her smile's so genuine it reaches her eyes. Clarke can’t recall anyone ever looking at her like this, like she’s the most beautiful person Lexa has laid eyes on, the shine in her eyes and the small smile across her lips speak an unspoken thankyou leaving Clarke’s body feeling boneless.

Clarke swallows hard; she watches as Lexa takes a few confident steps backwards and sits herself at the end of her bed.

“Take it off for me” it’s a gentle demand more than a question and Clarke’s heart rate quickens immediately at the sudden power play switch. Back at the club Lexa was gentle and somewhat submissive allowing Clarke to set the pace but now, there’s a hungry look in her eyes as she sports that smug smile.

Clarke attentively draws the dress down, observing Lexa’s expression intently, she remains unreadable her face set stern in pure concentration, only her eyes following the direction of the discarding fabric. Once Clarke’s top half is finally free, Clarke notices the increasing rise of Lexa’s chest; she shimmies effortlessly out of the dress, allowing it to pool in a heap around her feet. Lexa’s lips slightly part as she releases the deep breath, her eye shamelessly raking over every inch of exposed skin before her.

Clarke moves towards her, straddling Lexa comfortably, she reaches out and waits for a nod of approval before working on each of Lexa’s buttons. Once Lexa’s shirt is completely undone Clarke takes a moment to revel in the toned sun kissed skin beneath her, it’s soft like silk and she savours the way Lexa shivers beneath her touch. Just as delicately as Lexa, Clarke slides the shirt off Lexa’s shoulder, simultaneously Lexa’s warm lips press gently against Clarke neck, trailing feather light kisses all the way down to the swell of her breasts.

Clarke gently moans into Lexa’s ear as she pushes further into the kisses causing her hips to uncontrollably roll upwards. With one quick snap of her fingers Lexa has unclasped Clarke’s bra, Clarke tosses it aside not caring where it falls on the floor. Lexa’s back to gently sucking at Clarke’s neck, she lingers around her collar bone leaving behind a mark that will probably last days but Clarke doesn’t care.

“Fuck, you’re so wet” Lexa groans as Clarke’s hips rock upwards again and presses firmly against Lexa’s abdomen.

“That’s what you do to me” Clarke replies breathlessly, suddenly strong arms are wrapping around her waist and before she knows it, Clarke staring up at the ceiling. Lexa places another firm kiss to Clarke lips but it’s short lived, she kissing and nipping her way down Clarke’s neck and instinctively Clarke cocks her head aside, allowing Lexa more room. She feels it instantly, it sends a rush of warmth down towards her stomach and pools in-between her thighs as Lexa takes her nipple in-between her lips.

“Fuck” Clarke arches up into the touch but the firm flick of Lexa’s tongue causes her body to jolt back down again. Clarke legs widen eagerly as Lexa settles her thigh in-between them, she pushes back to meet Clarke as she grinds down onto her, desperate for any kind of friction.

“Please Lexa…” Clarke can barely choke out the words as Lexa continues the excruciatingly slow descend. She gasps at the feeling of Lexa’s tongue trailing down her stomach, teasing the sensitive skin just beneath her belly button.

“Tell me what you want Clarke” she hovers, placing wet kisses just above the top of her underwear.

“Lexa…” Clarke breaths still grinding desperately on Lexa’s thigh. She’s ruined her underwear and probably Lexa’s slacks but Clarke can’t find it in herself to care.

“Tell me what you want?” Lexa stills and Clarke is almost ashamed of the pathetic whine that escapes her lips.

“Fuck…” Clarke tries desperately to chase her thigh but Lexa’s too fast and pulls it away “Please…just fuck me” long confident fingers hook into the sides of Clarke’s underwear as she lifting her hips to aid the process of removing them. Lexa wastes no time, the build up almost too much now. She places a gentle kiss to Clarke’s sex just enough for Clarke to adjust to the sensation before running her tongue through her slick wet folds.

“Fuck, Lexa!” Clarke rasps her hips rolling upwards to meet the warmth of Lexa’s mouth. Lexa wraps soft lips around her clit, Clarke is so turned on that it instantly sends hot tingles shooting down to her feet.

“Mmm, you taste so good” Lexa hums the vibrations causing Clarke to lift her hips completely off the bed. With gentle hands Lexa pushes her back down again, her tongue now trailing messy circles around the stiffen bud. Clarke’s breath soon becomes heavier, evident by the rapid rise and fall of her chest. The circles become smaller and so precise that every swirl of Lexa’s tongue has Clarke’s hips bucking into her.

“ _Fuck…Lexa…please”_ it’s desperate but Clarke doesn’t care, she wants, no, she needs it. Lexa is quick to obey, Clarke is so wet that her finger enters her effortlessly and immediately Clarke’s walls are clenching around them to draw them in further.

“ _Ah…fuck”_ Lexa moan at the way Clarke’s body responds, she easily adds another finger, profanities falling from Clarke’s mouth. Lexa moves herself up towards Clarke face just as her fingers begin to curl upwards. She places messy kisses against the expanse of Clarke’s neck, nipping harshly at Clarke’s earlobe. By now Lexa is rocking her hips along with Clarke’s, allowing her to venture deeper inside the fluttering comforts.

“I’m…I’m so close” Clarke pants, a thin sheen of sweat now covers her quivering body. Lexa uses her thumb to occasionally rub past Clarke’s clit as she hits that one spot inside Clarke that has her toes curling and her body tensing. “ _Fffuuck…Lexa”_ Clarke practically screams that Lexa has to cut her off with a hard kiss. Clarke’s moans and pants are now staggered breathes and cries as she feels the warmth of her orgasm building in the pit of her stomach. Her stomach muscle clench in rhythm with Lexa’s deep thrusts as she’s tethering the edge of her climax. “I’m gonna…” It takes only one more precise thrust and a quick skim of her clit before Clarke’s whole body becomes taut and still. Lexa still moves her fingers accordingly, allowing Clarke to ride out her orgasm as she pleases. Clarke can feel the remnants of her climax splash against her thighs causing Lexa to curse under her breath at the response as ripples of pleasure results in Clarke coming so hard all she can see is white.

“Fuck” both girls pant; Clarke’s body now reduce to jelly as she tries desperately to steady her breath. Her eyes now only half open as she basks in the post-orgasm euphoria, she can see the satisfied smile on Lexa’s face. Lexa gently removes herself, Clarke gasping quietly at the sudden emptiness. She watches as Lexa draws her fingers to her mouth, licking away any evidence of Clarke orgasms before leaning down and sharing the taste with her.

Clarke moans in response “you like that” Lexa sates knowingly and she’s not wrong. The combination of Lexa and herself is like a drug to Clarke, everything about tonight had become so easily addictive. Lexa takes Clarke into her arms, the sense comfort and belonging settles in the deepest parts of Clarke’s heart. She fits perfectly in the crook of Lexa’s neck, one leg spulled across her tight, wrapped up tightly in her warm embrace. For once in her life, Clarke feels completely safe and completely whole, she forgets that she had agreed to only one night with this beautiful stranger beside her.

 


	8. So What's Stopping You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke needs to stop thinking about Lexa, actually she should stop everything that involves the thought of Lexa.

“Hey” Clarke awakes to a low raspy voice. The sun is just beginning to peek over the horizon, illuminating the bedroom in a dull glow. Her head is pounding; consequences of last night’s indulgence, reminds her to never drink again, but who is she kidding? Her eyes remain shut, instinctively protecting her brain from the sheer light of the waking world outside. “I got you coffee” the voice speaks again, _shit._ Clarke flings herself upright, instantly her body protests as sharp knives make quick work of her brain.

“Ugh” she groans hoping that the pressure of her hands alone is enough to soothe the deep ache.

“Coffee will help” there’s that warm voice again, the one that draws Clarke’s attention away from her internal hung-over battle to the more pressing situation. Clarke’s eyes fly open and it takes a moment for her to re-adjust to her unfamiliar surroundings. This is indeed, not her dorm room and she’s a hundred percent sure that’s not Raven standing behind her, coffees in hand. Clarke turns around and her suspicions are confirmed, _fuck…_ she wasn’t suppose to stay the night.

“Lexa” the woman visibly takes in a sharp breathe, Clarke’s husky morning voice clearly taking her by surprise. “I’m sorry…I, I shouldn’t have stayed”

It all comes flooding back to Clarke now, the way Lexa’s body collided with hers, like two reckoning forces coming together. How in sync and easily it was to get lost in the ecstasy that Lexa had made Clarke feel. The way Lexa’s eyes never left her, not even for a second, reassuring Clarke this was special to her too.

“It’s okay” the calmness of Lexa’s voice followed by that gentle smile of hers instantly has Clarke’s body relaxing into the bedhead. “Here, drink this” Lexa moves closer towards the bed, she’s dressed in a pair of light blue and white striped sleep shorts and a baggy white t-shirt.

“Thankyou” Clarke replies genuinely reaching up eagerly for the hot beverage. She hums in satisfaction as it washes over the back of her tongue, settling the sickening sensation growing inside Clarke’s stomach.

“About last night” Clarke catches a flicker of hesitance in Lexa’s eyes; she waits until Lexa is sitting at the end of the bed, cross-legged and comfortable.

“Do you regret it?” hesitance now replaced with concern as Lexa poses the question.

Clarke shakes her head, the locks of blonde hair tickling her bare shoulders “no”.

“Me either” Lexa whispers, she presses the coffee mug up to her lips, Clarke can tell from the warmth in those eyes, she’s smiling.

There are a thousand questions at the tip of Clarke’s tongue, like _where did you grow up? Have you ever fallen in love? Why don’t you want a relationship?_ But that’s the problem and Clarke’s knows it’s not her place and quite possibly, it never will be. There’s an unfamiliar weight sinking inside her chest, a sharp sting that pierces her heart. The minutes to her departure are winding down and although Lexa hasn’t specifically said anything this morning, she had done the night before.

It’s not what Clarke had been expecting, it’s not like she had gone out last night looking for it but it’s also not the first time. She was young, with healthy desires and this wasn’t her first _one night,_ but somehow this was different. For the first time she had not once felt self-conscious, it’s not that she’s not comfortable with herself because she is, proudly so, but this time around there were no doubts. It also felt right, like it was something that just needed to happen and it did, easily so. Clarke shakes the thoughts from her mind because _this was just one night,_ she reminds herself.

“I better get going” Clarke whispers finishing off the rest of her coffee. She’s searching Lexa’s expression desperately, looking for any signs of protest. Something does flash in those green orbs of hers but it’s gone too quickly for Clarke to try and decipher it, leaving, now inevitable. “Thanks for the coffee”

“You’re welcome” Lexa says softly, gently taking the empty mug out of Clarke’s hands. It’s not awkward, despite Clarke wanting to say _‘I had a really great time, we should do this again’_ she knows she can’t because Lexa had been nothing but respectful and now it’s Clarkes turn to reciprocate, respecting Lexa’s wishes even if it goes against her own.

Lexa leaves Clarke to get dressed in private as she takes both mugs back out to the kitchen.

“Thank you, Clarke” Lexa says once Clarke has finished getting dressed “I really appreciate the time spent with you” It’s warm and sincere and Clarke doesn’t know how to respond to that. Not once had someone thanked her and meant it. She settles with a warm smile, she’s reluctant to use the word _‘special’_ because how can a one night stand be special? But that’s how Lexa had made it feel.

Just as Clarke is steeping out of Lexa’s room one of the closed doors along the hallway creeps open. The thought of a possible roommate hadn’t crossed Clarke’s mind and for their sake, Clarke hopes they hadn’t kept them up all night. Suddenly a tall brunette woman emerges _fuck…_ now this is awkward.

“Anya!” Clarke squeaks.

 “Clarke!” the woman’s baffled stare pierces through Clarke then crosses to Lexa. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You live here?” they both inquire in unison. It doesn’t take long for the realisation to settle in as Clarke tries desperately to consume her embarrassment. “I’m sorry I didn’t know you two…we just met last night…well technically we met a few weeks ago when I bumped into…” Clarke’s rambling, she always does when she’s nervous so she opts to just remain silent.

“You’re the clumsy blonde?” Anya cracks a wicked smirk.

“Umm…” Clarke looks over to Lexa for confirmation and given by how red her cheeks are, Clarke assumes maybe she is.

“Well isn’t this a small world?” there’s a condescending tone in Anya’s voice.     

“Umm I’m just…I’m gonna go” Clarke doesn’t know what else to say, there is obviously something she is missing but she’s not too keen on sticking around to find out what it is.

“Wait Clarke” Lexa reaches out, gentle fingers wrapping confidently around Clarke’s wrists.

“It’s ok, I can show myself out” with a polite smile and a subtle wave goodbye to both women, Clarke is headed for the front door.

“You two work together?” she hears Lexa asks as Clarke closes the front door.

* * *

 

“Busted” the voice startles Clarke, despite her best efforts in sneaking back into her dorm. She wasn’t expecting to find Raven and Octavia awake and waiting. It’s not like Clarke thought she could get away with it, she does share a room with one of her best friends.

“So, how was it?” Octavia asks patting down a spot for Clarke to get comfortable. Clarke didn’t really want to talk about it, the unexpected run in with Anya still fresh in her mind, but she understands, it’s best friend etiquette.

“So Lexa, we finally got a name?” Raven’s first to start teasing, she starched out on her bed, hair ruffled from sleep and eyes still heavily covered in makeup. She’s hangover and Clarke is surprised she’s even conscious at this hour.

“Is she Australian? I bet she is” Octavia doesn’t look as bad, but Clarke can tell she’s in desperate need of sleep.

“I don’t know, I didn’t really ask” Clarke replies casually, thinking back on it she hadn’t really asked much about Lexa at all.

“But was it good?” Raven’s poking for details desperately. Usually, Clarke has no issues discussing her sex life; she was comfortably open about it but something about this time around had her choosing her words carefully. 

“It was” Clarke nods and by the unimpressed expression from both friends it’s not enough “Lexa’s…” _special_ she thinks to herself “beautiful” her mind wanders back, back to the way Lexa’s eyes set Clarke’s skin alight , or when they found themselves laying in silence, it was never awkward, only comfortable, somewhat second nature.

“Beautiful?” Raven huffs like it’s a bad taste in her mouth “I’m looking for hot, earth shattering, body crippling, filth here Griffin” Clarke smiles, as much as that’s exactly what it was, it was so much more.

“It was all those things” Clarke confirms.

“So are we seeing her again?” the question from Octavia catches Clarke off guard. The heavy weight returning to her chest, constricting the ability to breathe steadily.

Clarke shakes her head, disappointment pooling inside her stomach, she won’t say “ _no”_ because saying it aloud confirms it and Clarke’s not quite ready to hear it.

“Was it awkward when you left?”

Raven rolls her eyes “how many times did you come?” Octavia shoots her a stern glare “what?”

“Actually I ran into Anya from work” this seems to grab everyone’s attention.

“Seriously?” Raven asks hastily.

“Yeah I was just leaving when…” the realisation comes crashing down like a tidal wave; Clarke had been too preoccupied in getting out of the apartment to even consider it. Green eyes flash across her sights, those very same intense, emotional eyes. “She was the woman from the café!” the words just fell out.

“What?” Raven asks.

“Umm” Clarke hesitates still trying to wrap the concept around her brain, she wasn’t prepared to share the major detail “I think…I think I’ve seen her around the café before looking for Anya”

“How do you not remember a beauty like that?” Raven teases and for some reason Clarke feels defensive.

“I see like a thousand faces a day Raven” it’s true, working at the coffee shop meant interacting with hundreds of people a week, Clarke couldn’t possibly keep track of all of them. Plus, it’s not like Clarke hadn’t been dealing with other things, a brief run in with a beautiful stranger wasn’t exactly her main priority, as enjoyable as it was.

“Small world hey?” it’s exactly what Anya had said.

“So you might see her again?” Octavia’s quick interjection takes Clarke by surprise, she had remained mostly quite that Clarke had almost forgotten she was there. Clarke shakes her head again and this time she can’t disguise her disappointment.

“Why?” the concern in her tone causes Clarke too look up at the brunette sitting beside her.

“It was just one night” the sting of the words causes Clarke to sharply inhale, _why does this bother me so much?_

“Yeah when she was just a complete stranger, but now you have ties” Raven’s previous sass now turning somewhat reassuring and supportive.

“She was quite clear on her intentions” there’s a moment of silence and Clarke’s too distracted by her own thoughts to see the wordless exchange between her two best friends.

The three of them don’t mention it again; instead Raven falls asleep also immediately after she informing Clarke that she was happy she had a good time. 

“Hey” Octavia’s sleepy voice derails all the thoughts whirling around inside Clarke’s head “are you ok?”

“Yeah of course, just a little tired” Octavia’s sceptical look informs Clarke she’s not fooling anyone, she is one of Clarke’s best friends, they grew up together, it’s somewhat insulting if Octavia couldn’t see through all the bullshit. “Have you ever just…” Clarke stops herself before she says something she can’t take back “I’m just a little bummed I won’t see her again” that was an understatement. From the second Clarke had taken a step out of the apartment this unyielding weight on her chest followed.

“Says who?”

“She told me she’s not looking for a relationship”

“And you’re saying you are?”

“No, that’s ridiculous”

“So what do _you_ want then?” Clarke pauses, what did she want? It’s not like she knew anything about this woman apart from the fact that she _appeared_ intelligent, kind hearted, respectful and understanding. And yes she was breathtakingly beautiful but still, it’s not like Clarke knew enough about her, so why was she left feeling so empty?     

“Clarke” Clarke knows that tone; it’s riddled with helpless concern because she knows, that Octavia knows.

“It was one night Octavia” Clarke intervenes before Octavia can say it because that’s ridiculous, no one can possibly fall for someone over one night, _that doesn’t happen._

* * *

 

Anya has that same smug grin she had when she’d discovered Clarke was responsible for those inappropriate noises coming from Lexa's room.

“Hey” Clarke husks, she’s desperately hoping that Anya will just smile and nod like she usually does so Clarke can skip past, tie up her hair and taken over the shift.

“Hey” Anya replies following Clarke back into the backroom. “Sorry about the other week”

“I was just as surprised as you were”

“Lexa even more so” Clarke mentally scolds herself for how excited the mention of her name made her feel.

“So, you guys lived together for long?”

“Practically since we were kids, she’s my best friend” _great._ Anya seems to notice Clarke’s mild distress “oh don’t worry about it, it’s cool that’s just what Lexa does” Clarke clenches her jaw subconsciously. “Not that she does it all the time, hardly actually”

“No, it’s ok I understand” Clarke reassures, and she did. Anya motions to say something else but instead offers a sweet smile before leaving to return to the front.

Clarke ignores the build up of questions inside her mind, instead busying herself with small tasks around the kitchen. She manages to leave work a good half an hour early, thankful that she knows Raven will be out until late tonight.

Just as Clarke is about to settle in for the night, determined to get a good nights’ rest for her exams tomorrow, the unanswered questions still circling inside her head. _Had Lexa mentioned Clarke to Anya before? Had Lexa mentioned Clarke at all afterwards? Lexa…_ that was the problem, even a week later. Clarke’s hand skims over her barely exposed hip, her fingers skate across the smooth plane of her abdomen as undignified thoughts of the brunette flash behind Clarke’s eye lids. Clarke’s hands are a lot small than Lexa’s, rough and calloused from hours of painting in her spare time. Clarke focuses; her brows pinched together, eye’s squeezed shut as memories merged with fantasies dance across her imagination. Clarke would say it’s the coolness of her fingers and not the thought of Lexa’s soft lips that cause her to shudder into her own touch. Her fingers now trailing slowly down past the band of her sleep shorts, her other hand gripping harshly at the inside of her thighs.

“ _Fuck”_ Clarke’s eyes fly open, _this is wrong_ she thinks to herself but she’s desperate to feel the hot breaths across her sensitive skin. Clarke tries to imagine something else, anything else, but Lexa’s words of appreciation and encouragement are the only things Clarke can hear, beside the heavy pounding her own erratic heartbeat. Her fingers now slipping past the band of her undoubtedly wet underwear. She sighs as her fingertip skim over the tip of her clit, she’s not sure if it’s a sigh of relief or shame, maybe both. She’s dripping and Clarke despises the fact her bodies betrayed her mind; _it’s not too late to stop._ It’s almost as if the rational side of her brain becomes overwhelmed and concedes to the growing pleasure that seems to spread like wild fire from her core. She’s already crossed the line, _there’s no turning back now._ Clarke pushes the voices from her mind concentrating alone at the feelings at hand. Her hips buck up almost instinctively as a hesitant finger discovers how much of a mess Lexa has left behind. She slides her fingers back up towards her clit, drawing her uncontrollable and somewhat shameful wetness with it but Clarke doesn’t care because there’s a fire building inside her body, fuelled by frustration and lust. She repeats the motion, soft and gentle just like Lexa’s tongue was. Messy tentative circles soon turn confident precise swirls, causing Clarke to thrust up into her own palm on every stroke. Her breaths are shaky and deep, hitching every now and then as she changes up the pace or applies more pressure. Thankfully Raven was out late tonight because Clarke can’t stop the desperate moan that erupts through her chest as she plunges two fingers inside her. It’s deliciously filthy the way her walls tighten hungrily around her, the assault on her clit still in motion as Clarke takes her bottom lip in-between her teeth. She bites down hard, desperate to stifle the scream as her fingers set a harsh rhythm.

“ _Oh…fuck”_ it’s a winey pant, Clarke’s chest now heaving uncontrollably as her climax begins to build. She curls her fingers upwards, hitting the one sport against her fluttering walls, resulting in fresh waves of arousal with every thrust. Clarke’s legs tense, messy circles now trace around and over her stiffen bud as her hips buck wildly into the air, she’s close and there’s only one last thing that can push her off the edge.

 _“Come for me Clarke”_ the unmistakable accented voice echoes inside her head and Clarke comes silently screaming Lexa’s name. Her body shudders as waves of her orgasms course through her rigid body; suddenly she finds herself back a week ago.  A heavy yet comforting weight rests above her, delicious appraisals falling from kissed bruised lips as long brown locks envelop her exposed shoulder and parts of her chest. When Clarke eyes do finally open she’s expecting them to meet darkened green ones but instead, it’s just an empty room, Clarke lets the disappointment settle inside her chest. Now she has to shower so the room doesn’t smell of inappropriate monstrosities when Raven comes back, _so much for an early night._

* * *

 

Once again exams come and go and this time Clarke knows she’s managed perfect marks. She would be somewhat proud, but instead the unexpected call to her professor’s office had Clarke fumbling for excuses as she tried to explain why her marks were so perfect, yet her attendance so poor over the last month. After what felt like hours of rephrasing and explaining exam topics her professor is reassured no cheating had taken place and instead suggest Clarke take a few extra classes over the break. This is something she’d have to change the next time around, it didn’t feel nice being accused of cheating, _is being caught in a time loop a form of cheating?_ Clarke doesn’t think so; it’s more of a disadvantage than it is an advantage. But either way, next time around Clarke can work on finding the perfect balance between class attendance and exciting her life with new experiences.  

“Hey” Octavia bumps into Clarke’s shoulder gently, drawing Clarke out of her thoughts “we did it at least we can relax now” Clarke smiles. Just like before the sun is blistering high in the afternoon sky, yet this time Clarke doesn’t mind sweating it out down by the ocean as she recalls memories of the year that’s just finished. Octavia seems relieved exams are over, she’s not as tired and stressed instead reverting back to her usual smart arse, cocky sass that her and Raven are.

The beach is crowded mostly with students who have already finished up their final assessments and exams. The weather had been rewarding and it is appreciatively welcoming after the gruelling weeks leading up. Clarke’s eyes wander the paved path, her eyes catching the figure dressed in a Nike black sports bra and bright orange shorts. Clarke almost looks away because she’s seen this before but for some reason her eyes linger long enough to recognise the jogging brunette.

“Lexa!” she doesn’t mean to call her name out loud and it obviously startles Octavia. There's a moment of panic as Lexa slows her pace.

"Clarke" Lexa pants, it's surprised and breathy but it stirs something inside of Clarke. Absent-mindedly Clarke can't tear her eyes away from the way Lexa's chests heaves, accentuating those delicious collar bones glistening with a thin layer of sweat. Octavia's forceful elbow to the ribs provokes a quick response.

"How you been?" Lexa ignores the small interaction between the two friends, instead she looks down at her feet before answering.

"Yeah good, yourself?" Lexa's still trying to catch her breath, her hands now resting on either side of her hips.  

"I'm good, thanks" there's a moment of silence and Clarke can't help but notice the air thick with tension. Lexa's expression remains characteristically unreadable so Clarke is forced to look into those tell-tale eyes where she knows Lexa holds all her emotions. They're warm and gentle, just like the first time they met but there's something else clouding them. H _esitation?_ maybe.

"That's good, I'm glad to hear it" Lexa smiles and Clarke instantly knows it's sincere. "I better get going, I have a meeting" Lexa pauses to look down at her phone "in an hour, but it was really nice running into you" Clarke is surprised as long strong arms reach out and envelope her in a quick embrace but it's the almost moan that's breathed into her ear that causes her nuzzle briefly against Lexa's cheek. They pull apart even though Clarke's body's screams at her to pull Lexa in close again.

"I'll see you around" Clarke states with a polite wave, Lexa's eyes linger on her for a moment later before she nods in response, turns and jogs away.

"So, what's stopping you?" Clarke turns to Octavia, her mind full of a thousand excuses but when she opens her mouth, nothing comes out.

That night while Octavia and Raven are out, again Clarke finds herself indulging over that almost moan. _This needs to stop,_ it's the last thought Clarke has before rolling over, heart rate still hammering, breath still ragged.       

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for sticking around, the comment/kudos are greatly appreciated, it's that push to keep writing out the rest of this story so keep them coming.  
> Yes more angst for Clarke, this one night stand getting the better of her and yes Lexa's a little cold at the end but I promise in the next few chapters we will uncover why. I hope you don't hate on her too much.


	9. Coincidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How many coincidences need to happen before they aren't coincidences anymore? Clarke discovers how small her world really is and how close Lexa has been this whole time.

Clarke huffs loudly at her reflection in the clean glass window of the small corner café. She thought she had experienced true boredom before, like waiting politely at the dinner table for everyone else to finish eating when she was younger. Or spending hours in peak hour traffic to discover she’s only moved two meters down the street. Or waiting on Raven to get ready before a night out, come to think about, waiting on Raven to get ready for anything at all. Clarke huffs again, no. Nothing compares to the boredom she is feeling right now. It has been two and a half months into her third…Clarke still doesn’t know what to call it. All she’s certain of is that almost nine months of “Clarke time” has passed and subconsciously her frustration with everyone else’s obliviousness is starting to show. “It’s not their fault” Clarke has to constantly remind herself, these days she spends most of her time holding her tongue, it’s tiring trying to act surprised and excited about the days’ events. Her moods clearly noted by Raven.

“Fuck Clarke, your excitement is killing me” Raven grumbles as she heaves the last of the boxes of alcohol into the back of her car. Clarke shuffles awkwardly on her feet, there wasn’t malice in her tone but Clarke can pick up on the subtle hints of frustration.

She wants to be able to justify her behaviour. She wants it to be the aftermath of a chaotic few months of studying non-stop for exams but that’s a lie and lying is not an option.  _ Is with holding the whole truth a lie? _ It doesn’t matter, she feels equally guilty for it anyway.

“I’m sorry Rae, once we get out of here I’ll be better” the promise Clarke decides right then and there she will uphold, her friends deserve it. They need her just as much as she needs them and after a year like everyone has had, the whole crew deserves to unwind.

“Are you waiting for an invitation?” the low dry voice from behind Clarke draws her back to the present. Clarke can see Anya in the reflection dressed in skinny grey wash jeans, a white singlet and aviators. Her hair is messily thrown over one shoulder curtaining half her face as she looks down at her phone.

“I just came through to pickup my payslip before I head out of town” it was an over share of information, one Anya clearly wasn’t interested in and given by her casual attire, she was here doing the same thing. Clarke watches as she finishes typing out a message before slipping her phone into her back pocket.

“Had to escape the apartment” and with that Anya enters through the small glass door and slips into the back room of the café. Self-conscious of how long she had been standing outside Clarke decides to follow, mentally slapping herself for wondering why Anya felt the need to leave her own apartment this morning. Her thoughts are soon clarified by the conversation she accidently overhears.

“Well she better be gone before I get back home and you owe me breakfast” Clarke purposely busies herself by flicking through the pile of payslips, Anya’s back still turned to her and probably unaware of her presence.

Clarke knows she shouldn’t feel awkward but there is a twinge of…what is that, jealousy? No it can’t be, she knows she has no right and instantly feels a little guilty. It’s an invasive to Lexa’s privacy to assume who the “ _ she”  _ is but her imagination runs wild with inappropriate scenarios.

“Shit Clarke” Anya exclaims, hand clutching at her heart there’s a whisper of awkwardness, Anya looking somewhat guilty.

Clarke knows Anya shouldn't be, her and Lexa being both understanding adults. Why should Clarke care if Lexa spent the night with someone else and why should Anya have to tip toe around it? 

So Clarke swallows down the sicken warmth that's spreading throughout her body “here” she says with a genuine smile breaking through the silence as she hands Anya her payslip.

“Cheers”

* * *

Clarke slams her dorm room door shut, she hadn’t meant to…or had she? She sighs loudly, tossing her hand bag onto her bed before kicking off her shoes. It’s not that Clarke was mad at Lexa, no. How could she have been? Lexa had been clear and direct, most importantly she had been honest. It was herself she was mad at. Although she hated the thought of anyone else being with Lexa, Clarke hated the thought she hated it even more. That in its self confuses Clarke, here she is pining like a teenager in love while everyone else carries on with the rest of their life, Lexa carrying on with the rest of her life. And that was _it,_ what it always was, _the rest of her life._ This cruel act, a sick joke of a life, stuck in time, stuck in the same moments, _possibly forever_ _stuck._ Tears of frustration begin to sing her eyes. _How many times could she do this? What was the point? Was there even one?_ A floodgate of questions fills her mind at an alarming rate making it impossible to determine which emotions she’s actually feeling. It’s not until she hears the rattling of keys and cuss words that she somehow pulls herself back together. Frantically wiping away the spilt tears on the back of a shaky palm and wearing that famous Griffin smile.

“Hey, didn’t think you’d be back so soon” Raven says causally as she juggles five paper bags in both hands. Clarke is quick at her side for assistance, not needing to ask what was in the bags this time around.

“I decided to come straight back home” Clarke explains lining up the bags of snacks next to their packed luggage “ready for tomorrow?” Raven shoots her a smug look.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve been ready for this since this semester started” and it’s the way that Raven has her tongue pressed up against her upper canine with that troublesome wicked smirk plastered on her face that puts Clarke instantly at ease. The love for her best friend, for all her friends in that matter is what this week was really about and no matter how many times she had to relive this hell, Clarke decides she’s happy enough to be spending it beside them. Everything else, the mess that is her life right now, can be left behind, for a week at least.

The car ride, as long and loud as it was, left Clarke feeling relieved. It was satisfying leaving behind the large metal gates of the campus entrance behind in their rear-view mirror. Getting to the coast didn’t take long and before Clarke knew it all three girls were singing along loudly to Raven’s IPod.

They arrived late afternoon with stretchy throats that only alcohol could sooth and once the car had been unloaded, they stepped out onto the warm sand, drinks in hand and enjoyed the sunset over the clam ocean ahead.

“We fucking did it” Octavia states in triumph, raising her drink in salute.

“A whole year gone just like that” Raven adds, now looking at Clarke to contribute.

“May we do it  _ all _ again” the double meaning obviously missed by Raven and Octavia but Clarke can’t help but laugh hysterically at her own joke and it's not the first time. Usually once all the tears had dried up there was nothing else left to do but laugh at her own self-pity about this whole situation.   

The next morning Clarke is up early, deciding to start her day off with a run along the beach. Not even ten minutes in, she’s reminded exactly why she never runs in the first place. Legs burning and gasping for air, nothing but a deserted beach and endless ocean, Clarke has a quiet moment to herself. She wonders if it’s worth getting fitter throughout the three months or if she’ll just return to her poor fitness level at the end of it anyway. Given by how much her lungs are burning she decides running is not her thing.  _ Although Lexa runs,  _ Clarke frowns at the voice inside her mind, she had promised herself that all thoughts of Lexa were to be left behind, along with work, college and everything else that had happened this past two and a half months. She shakes the thoughts free from her mind, hunger now being her main priority, Clarke makes her way back towards the beach house.

“Since when does Clarke Griffin run?” Bellamy’s voice bellows out from the front veranda. He’s sporting that smug cheeky grin that Clarke has missed so much, with open arms she embraces herself into his strong hold.

“If you call that running” another familiar voice chippers up and Clarke spots Lincoln as he emerges from behind the sliding glass doors. Arms still wrapped around Bellamy’s waist, Clarke produces a proud middle finger before latching onto an equally long hug from the tall muscular man.

“It’s been a while” he says with a warm smile, Clarke retreats her smile just as wide.

“Heard you got accused of cheating” Bellamy states raising a cold bottle of beer towards his lips. 

Lincoln scoffs loudly “too smart for your own good”

Clarke spends the next few hours filling in the boys about what had happened over the past few months minus of course her time loop predicament and a certain  _ someone _ .

The drinks keep flowing well into the night as the crew, with the new addition of Harper, a girl from Clarke and Octavia's biology class and soon to be girlfriend of the older Blake quarrel about who is on booze duty tomorrow. Raven of course excusing herself seeing as she had brought the first load here. Clarke already knows Lincoln will end up completing the run into town, ignoring his strong physical persona lays a respectable, polite softy underneath. Clarke is also aware it gives him and Octavia an excuse for some alone time away from Bellamy's scrutinizing glare, although inviting Harper along was a sneaky move. Given by the way Bellamy's eyes barely leave the sandy blonde, Clarke can't help but appreciate Octavia's sly wit.

* * *

By half way through the week Clarke feels slightly guilty for how much alcohol they all had consumed, although according to Raven it's quite an honourable achievement. Every day started off with a sleep-in till midday, a large oily breakfast to cure the hangover, swim-surf-tan and by three in the afternoon drinking resumed.

Last time Clarke had checked it was close to 10pm, after a later dinner it was the boys turn to clean up leaving the rest of the girls sometime to chat away in front of the fire pit. Everyone adored Harper, despite her innocent looks, Harper harboured her fair share of dirty secrets which were no doubt revealed through endless games of drunken  _ never have I ever.  _

The women watch as both Bellamy and Lincoln interact with each other, all cringing each time a harsh whip is delivered to bare skin from the dampened tea towel resulting in a loud crack that sounds like lightening and the whimpering yelps of the poor victim. By the time everything is finally cleaned up and cleared away Clarke has made it down to the beach, listening as the waves crash repetitively against the shore line. It's so calm that the water looks like a mirror image of the starry night sky, like a huge sheet of black glass peppered with diamonds.

"A little bird told me you met someone" Clarke eyes instantly snapped up from the endless black shoreline to see Lincoln, beer in hand, neck extended as he stares up into the night sky,  _ this is different,  _ and Clarke suddenly feels nervous. It's as if Lincoln knows she isn't going to say anything "I know you both know about O and I" It's Clarke's turn to gaze up "I just wanted to say thank you for not saying anything to Bell, we are going to tell him now that we've worked out what this is" Clarke smiles, sure she already knows tomorrow morning Bellamy will catch them together but after the initial surprise of it all it, all works out in the end but it's the fact that Lincoln is here beside her confiding with Clarke that makes her feel warm inside. 

"So what is it between you two?" Clarke asks after a moment of silence, she turns to see Raven and Octavia laughing so hard they are both hunched over in pain. "Do you love her?" From the way Lincoln looks at Octavia, Clarke already assumes  _ yes _ .

"I'm not sure about that yet" Lincoln laughs "but she's pretty fucking incredible" Clarke hums in agreement, no one had to tell her. "But enough about me, more about you" before Clarke can even asks he continues "I know that look" 

"We slept together once" Clarke didn't mean for it to come out but before she could even realise it was too late and for some reason she just continued "one, one night stand and now I'm all..." Clarke huffs in annoyance "I don't know, have you ever just met someone and it feels like you've known you whole entire life" Clarke is conscious of her word vomit but the relief in finally talk about it is too good to pass up "and everything just feels comfortable and familiar and without being with anyone else ever again you know it's the best you'll ever have?" Lincoln just remains quiet "with all that it just makes it different to anything I have ever experienced but it doesn't matter anyway because it's never going to be anything more, I mean she clearly stated she's not looking for anything more and it's not like I'm in the best place to start anything"

"Does she have a name?" Lincoln asks after he is certain Clarke has finished speaking.

Clarke is hesitant to answer at first but it already feels like some of the weight has lifted off her shoulders "Lexa" it's barely audible over the crashing waves but before Clarke can see if Lincoln has heard her he's coughing and spluttering over his drink. 

"Lexa, as in Lexa Woods?" he spits out in-between struggled breaths, Clarke is too surprised to even reply, confusion set like stone in her expression. "I went to college with her, she was in most of my classes, her and her best friend Anya"

"You know Anya?" Clarke can't even comprehend the coincidences.

"Yeah we were all like family, spent all our college days together"

"I work with Anya in a café close to my campus" Clarke replies, she didn't know Anya went to college, although she didn't know anything about Anya come to think of it. 

There is a moment of silence as Clarke tries to wrack her brain around the developing information, there being so many coincidence around Lexa that Clarke is surprised they hadn't met sooner. 

"Don't take it personally Clarke" Lincoln says gently shifting his feet beneath his weight "Lexa's never been one to date anyone" Clarke swallows down the sting in the back of her throat "everything she's built has come from sacrifice and hard work, it was the same in collage" 

"I understand that" and she did because Clarke had said it herself, college was not the time for anything serious, it was distraction she couldn't afford and maybe that's all it was, a  _ distraction. _  It had been something new, something exciting from the same old day to day event and maybe the idea of something new and exciting was why she was having a hard time forgetting about Lexa. 

"Plus sounds like you're not ready yourself so you don't know maybe when you both are and if you keep crossing paths like you said, if it's meant to be something it will be"  __

That night Clarke spends it awake, deliberating the last thing Lincoln had said.  _ If only he knew everything, if only someone knew everything  _ Clarke thought to herself. She checked her phone for the fifth time, she had two more weeks left until the inevitable uncertainty of either waking up again on that dreaded Tuesday or for some miracle she wakes up on a Saturday, free and able to continue to live out the rest of her life.  The thought alone is sickening, stress wracking her body in hot flushes and nausea. Speed dating now seeming even more tempting, if reuniting with her twin flame was Clarke's key on moving forwards why not  _ speed  _ through the process? 

The last thought Clarke has before drifting off to sleep is of Lexa, _what if she wasn't just a distraction? what if the key is right in front of me in the form of an unattainable woman? how many coincidences need to happen before they aren't coincidences anymore?_

* * *

Once again it's Clarke's birthday and once again she finds herself at Polis but this time she doesn't kiss that boy that's been watching her and when Octavia suggests to go for a late night swim Clarke knows firsthand suffering mild hyperthermia is not a fun way to spend the last few hours of her birthday. 

Clarke isn't as drunk as she was the last two times but she has also opted to stay out longer, how drunk she gets by the end of it is another question. The music blears on as the club fills up, already her voice is strained from all the yelling. Bellamy and Harper, Octavia and Lincoln have resided somewhere out on the dance floor leaving a very drunk Raven in the hands of Clarke. 

"You and I need to find...people" Raven yells over the music.

"There's no shortage of people in here" Clarke replies, scanning the crowd, it's so fall people are shoulder to shoulder.

"Pfft, there's no one interesting enough in here" Clarke doubts that, in-fact she had been contemplating it before. If it so did happen the person who could rescue Clarke from her troublesome time loop was in fact in this very same club, where the hell was she suppose to start and how the hell was she supposed to know? "Hold up, scratch that" Raven's hand thumping so hard against Clarke's chest it knocks the wind out of her lungs. "Now she looks somewhat interesting" Clarke follows her best friends’ line of sight over towards the bar where a very tall, stern faced woman stands. Clarke could recognise those sharp cheek bones anywhere accompanied by that constant unimpressed expression.

"No, no, no Raven" Clarke hisses lunging forwards to grab Raven's arm.

"Clarke I know it's your birthday" Raven says turning back to face Clarke "and as your second birthday present of the night, you get to be my wing woman" 

"That's hardly a present Raven" Clarke reminds Raven but it's no use she's already pulling Clarke over towards the bar. Before Clarke can even think of something to say Raven has nudged her violently into the other woman.

"Fuck I'm so sorry" Clarke shrieks in sheer panic, she is going to murder Raven. The other woman groans, obviously stating her annoyance but it only take a second for her to recognise Clarke.

"Well shit Griffin" Anya's features instantly softening although they are still intimidating.

"Wait you know each other?" Raven spits out.

"Ah, Anya this idiot is Raven" Clarke points to brunette " _ Raven  _ this is Anya, we work together" 

"Hi" Anya says casually barley casting a look at Raven.

"Ok Clarke, she's a bitch let's go" Raven not so whispered into Clarke's ear, panic instantly fills Clarke, she's certain of it as her body goes through the fight or flight response. 

"Is that right" Anya says straightening her posture she is already towering over the both of them but it doesn't seem to faze Raven. "Just like pushing your friend into me as a means to start talking to me isn't a bitch of a move?"

"Well it worked didn't it?" by this point Clarke is practically pulling on Raven's sleeve but she refuses to budge, "I like her" Raven this time whispers into Clarke's ear again. Just when it looks likes Anya is about to bite back someone grabs her shoulder.

"Does it kill you to be nice to anyone?" the woman dressed in an elegant tight black dress says as she approaches swiftly and all Clarke wants to do is run but her feet remain cemented to the floor. "Clarke" Lexa is surprised obviously, Clarke herself is having trouble composing herself.

"Lexa...hi" Clarke replies subconsciously with a small wave of her hand and instantly she wants to smash that hand against her face. She blames it purely on the fact she is so taken by surprise and somewhat awkward standing here in front of Lexa once again and not the fact that that dress she's wearing hasn't got Clarke fumbling for words and basic motor skills.

" _ Lexa, _ huh" Raven mumbles loud enough for everyone to hear and although Clarke isn't glaring at her she can hear that smug grin and given by the fact Anya is sporting one too, Clarke would like nothing more than for the ground to just open up and swallow her whole.   


	10. Third Time Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment shared with Lexa leaves Clarke with a handful of regrets, if only she were braver, if only she could say all the things she's been longing to say. They say third times a charm, and Clarke is more dedicated than ever!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: this is yet another heavy chapter and there is a drowning accident that sends Clarke back this time. It's marked in the chapter so you can skip over it. It's quite detailed so yeah please skip it if your not comfortable reading it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologise it has been quite a while since I've updated this story. I did take a break from it only because it's quite an heavy story emotionally and the concept does have a special place in my heart but I'm back and hopefully if work isn't kicking my arse I'll have a new chapter by the weekend, digging more into Lexa's background and towards building their relationship.  
> I just want to say a massive thankyou to all you amazing readers for all your support and patience! honestly it's the best part about writing.

Clarke bites nervously on the inside of her cheek, it’s like her feet have finally caught up with her and are itching to carry her off towards the wide open doors but now her mind is telling her to stay. She shouldn’t be doing this, Clarke knows it but still her eyes rake shameless over the lithe frame standing before her. _Carefully_ mapping out the toned muscles that she knows reside just beneath that silky soft sun kissed skin. The way the woman’s tight cheeks strain so deliciously in the thin fabric of her dress, appreciating the way it clings to her subtle curves. It has Clarke diverting her eyes in a moment of panic. No she should _definitely not_ be doing this, especially now that the woman’s back is turned to her. It has left her mouth painfully dry, unspoken words corking her throat as she tries desperately to think about something else, _anything else._ Clearly she has no self control because as soon as she raises the glass to her mouth to quench her thirst her eyes snap back to the sharp points of bony shoulder blades, halved perfectly by the shallow valley of her breas – _fuck!_ Instantly Clarke looks away but it’s too late because she’s already coughing and spluttering against the burn of the drink she’s just inhaled.     

There’s a pleading look in those dark emerald eyes but they’re not demanding  an a apology and before Clarke can even think twice about it, she’s lacing her fingers into the willing brunettes and pulling her along into the sea of sweaty bodies.  A firework display of colours dance across their silhouettes, as sure strong hands wrap tightly around Clarke’s waist and pulls her closer. Lexa’s rhythm takes hold and Clarke is soon to fall into it, arms and thighs intertwined it’s hard to distinguish where one starts and the other finishes. Clarke’s chest swells with warmth as she settles perfectly in the nook of Lexa’s neck, face buried in the mane of chestnut hair. The scent that’s uniquely Lexa assaults her senses drawing her impossibly closer as their bodies move as one. Lexa takes one of her hands and entangles it into the locks of blonde, pressured finger tips running down the entire length of Clarke’s neck. Instinctively Clarke arches her neck and when warm hot lips push down against that one spot where her pulse flutters lively her legs almost give out. Clarke grips the soft flesh of Lexa’s hips when gentle wet kisses turn into careful nips quickly soothed by a hot slick tongue. She revels in the way Lexa pushes forwards into her touch, swallows thickly when she feels her thigh slip in-between the other woman’s. Songs merge into another and still they don’t pull apart and if it weren’t for the occasional bump to her back, Clarke could forget about everyone else around her. And Lexa’s eyes remain on her, a gentle smile tugging at the corners of her lips, face partially curtained by her hair, she is _beautiful._ It pulls at Clarke’s heartstrings and twists in her chest and just when she thinks she’ll explode and say everything that she’s been meaning to say her throat tightens and the words are choked before they are even spoken. Fighting against every fibre of her being those three little words echo loudly inside her head, it’s a matter of mind over heart. Her mind screaming loudly that it’s not possible, it’s too soon, you barely even know the woman and the fear of ruining a great thing, even if it’s only going to last a few more hours has her swallowing those three little words down, drowned by a pool of alcohol.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke winches into the bright hues of light that had pierced her eye lids and rudely pulled her from her sleep. Instantly she regrets drowning her feelings because they’re on their way back up again, burning holes in the pits of her empty stomach a poisonous mixture of stale alcohol and stomach acid. She winces against the burn focusing hard on not throwing up all over herself. It waters her eyes and stings her throat but it’s easier to try and stifle it than it is to get up and move to the bathroom. A few nervous minutes pass and in that time her stomach cramps and her mouth waters but it passes at least for now.

“ _Eh”_ she groans feeling the strain of dancing all night in high heels on her weary body it’s then she notices the brunette looking at her from the other side of the room, her hair in a tangled mess and looking just like how Clarke feels.

“Never again” her voice is low and crackly, make up smudged from sleep and still dressed in last night’s clothes.  

“Never again” Clarke repeats mentally apologising to her body but knowing it’s yet another lie to get her through today. “Where did you get to last night?” Clarke asks, though it’s barely audible and incoherent through a low groan. Raven shakes her head, the reminder of last night and all the alcohol they had consumed threatening to make a reappearance. She swallows thickly and takes a deep breath and with her eyes still closed she says.

“You don’t remember?” Instantly a heat floods Clarke’s veins as panic settles in, snippets of her drinking, singing loudly with Raven, dancing, _Lexa._

“Remember what?” suddenly Clarke is wide awake, her monstrous hangover pushed aside for the meantime. Subconsciously she reaches out for her phone as if a part of her is expecting it to be Tuesday again somehow. She can’t remember getting home, nor can she remember seeing anyone but Lexa, pressed up so closely against her. She shivers at the mere thought of the warmth pressed up against her body.

“Well” the sound of Raven’s voice draws her back to the present “we drank, _a lot”_

“And Lexa?” the words escape her before she can even catch them and she doesn’t miss the way Raven smiles, eyes still closed tight unwilling to allow the assault of the days light to fuel the headache she’s sporting. “Is this before or after the dry humping on the dance floor” a hot blush fills Clarke’s cheeks, it spreads across her chest and into the top of her ears, she has no problem remembering that. Raven’s eyes have now opened and she’s smirking at Clarke’s response “oh yes we all saw that”.

“After that” Clarke says through gritted teeth.

“Anya brought us a round of shots and it all kinda went downhill from there” Clarke’s eyes snap up to Raven’s, fear painted across her face. Embarrassing herself in front of Lexa is enough of a humiliation but at least she doesn’t have to face her Monday. Clarke internally groans at her stupidity, once again she has fallen into this vicious circle, when will she learn that alcohol never helps things? It only makes things worst.

“How bad was I?” Clarke asks hesitantly, a huge part of her doesn’t even want to know, her mind alive with all sorts of embarrassing scenarios.

“Not bad given everything you drank” instantly a wave of relief settles over Clarke and she relaxes into the wall behind her. “I don’t know what you’re doing wrong but Anya is fucking loaded, she brought about seven rounds, something about celebrating a business deal Lexa had just closed” Clarke can’t ignore the stab of disappointment that pierces her chest. There is still so little she knows about this woman and the fact that she wasn’t sober enough to remember all the little details leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. “After that they put us in a cab”

 

* * *

 

 

As the weeks begin and end Clarke still can’t remember the events of her birthday as clearly as she would like. Though she spends most of her free time reliving the moments she can remember, the gentle warmth of Lexa’s breath against her cheek, the sheer strength in her body as she moved effortlessly to the rhythm of the music and as pleasurable as it is to reminisce on their brief close encounter it’s comes with a handful of regrets. If only Clarke were brave enough to say what she really wanted to say, if only she could bring herself to kiss her once again, to feel those warm trembling lips against hers, Clarke sighs loudly her drink now warm after hours of neglect. It’s Friday and although she’s anticipating the possibility of Saturday it’s as if her heart already knows. She doesn’t want to be here and it’s evident in her soberness, she hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol all night. She ignores the “boos” and “party pooper” name calls coming from the rest of the crew and sits ideally listening to the drunken conversations around her. Harpers party feels a lot bigger than what it was the first time around or maybe she was just too drunk to notice. Clarke’s not even sure why she had come in the first place, although Raven did threaten to never speak to her again if she didn’t but she knew her best friend was just being over dramatic. Maybe it was thought of being alone with all her thoughts and regrets that pushed her to change out of her pyjamas, here at least she can pretend not to over think anything and everything. Or maybe it was the fear of missing out on something interesting, her life now all too predictable that she’ll practically jump all over something new and different. Or maybe it’s just a good enough distraction from the inevitable end, she doesn’t know but she’s here now and it’s not awful. She laughs uncontrollably at Bellamy losing to Raven in a game of beer pong and warms when Octavia wraps her arms around her and pulls her in close for a comforting embrace. She enjoys listening to stories about what Lincoln and Bellamy got up to since last time they saw each other and is still shocked to hear more of Harpers dirty dark secrets in another game of drunk “never have I ever” though Clarke never actually takes a sip of her drink, thankfully everyone else is too drunk to notice. It’s coming close to midnight and the fact Clarke has made it this far has her heart thrumming excitedly beneath her chest. She’s careful though, not to get her hopes up too high because she’s not sure if she can survive the disappointment if tomorrow isn’t Saturday. Harpers property is quite big, she hadn’t discovered the land behind the fenced area last time and to her surprise it’s a vast expanse of rolling fields and a lake. There’s something calming about the water’s edge, maybe it’s the way it reflects the night sky or maybe it’s the way sounds travels across the stillness of its surface that has her staring aimlessly into its dark cold depths. She’s lost count of how long she’s been out here but the need to escape the heat and claustrophobic crowd had her slipping past the gates and down to the small jetty of the lake. It’s not quite the quiet oasis she was hoping for. Clarke eyes the group of five boys hanging back at the end of the jetty, they sway and stagger into one another and when they look up, she offers up a tight lip smile and turns to face the waters’ edge. Her tired reflection stares back up at her, she can feel it seeping into her bones, the heaviness weight of the inevitable buckles her joints and knots her stomach.

“Oi Clarke you out here?” Clarke doesn’t even need to turn around to know who’s addressing her she waves up at the foursome approaching her. Lips curling into a smile as she watches Bellamy trip over his own two feet, Lincoln’s arm casually draped over Octavia’s strong spindly shoulders.

“I think…” the force of her hiccup causes Raven to sway like the thin branches of the trees in the wind around them “it’s time to go” everyone else nods and mumbles their agreement, eye lids heavy with intoxication. She’s too preoccupied saving Bellamy from tumbling forwards his breathe reeking of stale alcohol to notice the boys approaching them.

“Wow, yep right time to get you home” Clarke husks supporting most of Bellamy’s weight, Lincoln’s arm detaches from Octavia and thankfully comes to Clarke’s aid immediately. Bellamy slurs a string of incoherent apologies as he steadies himself, usually he’s not a big drinker but after the long year that’s just passed he’s in his own right to unwind and celebrate. With one last deep breath and a mumbled “I’m right” he wheels around and collides right into one of the boy passing by, almost toppling them both over.

“Oi watch yourself” one of the boys’ calls as his hand wraps around his friend’s for support.

“What’s your problem?” the brunette spits once he has steady himself and shrugged the drunken Blake off of him.

“Hey, hey, it was an accident alright” Lincoln is the first in intervene sensing the growing tension between them. “He’s just had a bit too much to drink, sorry” both boys look at them sceptically, it’s too quiet for Clarke to catch but obviously Bellamy hears the petty insult slip from one of the boys lips and lunges forwards with both arms out stretched.

TRIGGER WARNING: DROWNING

“Hey!” everyone including Clarke shouts, propelling themselves forwards in attempts to pull Bellamy back. There’s a loud hollow thud as two strong hands beat against the taller boys’ chest, causing him to stumble backwards. Instantly everyone shouts again and before Clarke can even register what is happening Bellamy is stumbling backwards from the force of the retaliating push. His whole unbalanced weight knocking roughly into Clarke’s small frame. She felt the sharp sting of her foot twisting over the small wooden lip of the jetty.

Instantly Clarke feels the chill of the water, it pierces through her body like shards of ice as it envelopes her. Instinctively she gasped at the sheer shock of the drop in temperature causing her to inhale the murky water. Fear paralyses her body, her lung burning to couch up the water that’s just filled them and desperate for oxygen she can’t seem to find. The pain is like a hot iron rod in the back of her thigh, the muscle there seized and tensed in a crap that spreads a hot pain up and down her spine. She can’t hear anything except the muffled sounds of people shouting and the vain efforts of her thrashing helplessly to find the waters’ surface. It’s so dark and cloudy she can’t distinguish which ways up and the panic that floods her body is enough to fight through the pain of this crippling cramp. It’s only been seconds but it feels like minutes and each uncontrollable cough has her drawing in mouthful after mouthful of bitter lake water until her mind starts to cloud and her body begins to numb.

END TRIGGER WARNING:

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke larches forwards, lungs feeling as if they are about to explode she heaves desperately for air, coughing and spluttering. She’s drenched from head to toe, her sheets a tangled mess around her lower legs and shaking violently. The fine hairs stick to the sweat that’s dripping down the side of her face, eyes wide with panic.     

“Hey!” there’s a panicked voice beside her “you’re alright, it’s me Raven” instantly there’s a gentle touch to her lower back, Clarke winces at the cold contrast against her flushed skin “shit you’re burning up” Raven worries, fighting the sheets that have Clarke’s legs tangled. She pulls them away and watches the erratic rise and fall of her best friends’ chest “you’re alright” the words still sounds distant and muffled, Clarke swears her heart is pounding a tattoo against her ribs. She’s yet to steady her breathing. She coughs and coughs until her throat is raw, the events of what just occurred nothing more than a collection of hazy flashbacks. It takes several long moments of Raven’s calming coos for Clarke to grasp her whereabouts. Her heart immediately coming to an abrupt halt and though she’s dizzy from lack of oxygen she holds her breath for a second. The weight of dread that fills her body is almost paralysing.

“What day is it?” she asks hesitantly, tears already stinging the corners of her eyes as a lump forms in the back of her throat.

“Tuesday, why?” the guttural sob that escapes Clarke’s throat takes them both by surprise. It cripples her into a weightless tangle of sweaty limbs and desperate grasps. Clarke pulls on Raven’s t-shirt to draw the girl in closer and she holds onto her friend as if her life depends on it. Never has she felt so helpless that all she can do is cry and she cries for hours until pure physical exhaustion takes hold and she slips back into a restless sleep.

 

Clarke wakes a few hours later, her cheeks dry and stiff from the tears shed hours earlier. The weight against her chest still makes it uncomfortable to breathe and she’s not sure whether she wants to just cry some more or perhaps scream and throw things in a fit of rage. She can’t keep doing this, she knows it and in her moment of pure desperation she reaches out for her phone. Not even blinking twice when she reads the date and types out a quick text to Lincoln.

**ClarkeG: We need to talk, I need a favour please!**

Not even a minute after, the phone clenched tightly in a white knuckle hold vibrates.

**Linc: Meet me at lunch bar by the pier in an hour.**

Clarke tosses the phone into her handbag and practically jumps out of bed in search of something clean to wear. She leave little to no time to over think her hasty decision because if Lexa is the key to her escaping this hell, _and she better fucking be_ because it’s all Clarke’s got, she’s not prepared to waste another second. She grabs her keys and her bag and legs it out the dorm room door not seeing the scribbled note from Raven saying she’ll drop by with some food once her first class is over and makes her way to the Pier. She’s loaded with a thousand questions and if she has to bleed them out of Lincoln she will because Lincoln is her only hope. He’s ties with Lexa back in college her only real hopes in beginning to understand this woman and though she doesn’t know if or what she’ll get out of him Clarke has to at least try. This all needs to end _now_ and she’s got three months to make it all work because there is no way she’s doing _this_ all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's the last time Clarke comes back and she's got three months to build something with Lexa. I know it's a bit repetitive but I promise the next last three months is very Clexa and more so Lexa. I'll have a new chapter posted at the end of this week :)


	11. Desperate Times Call For Drastic Measures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lincoln offers something that Clarke cannot pass up, though trying to play her cards right has Clarke nerves firing.

Clarke’s fingers pick at the loose vinyl peeling away from the steering wheel of her car, the sun’s damage made worse by her nervous habit. She should really buy a cover already her hands are stained black from its deterioration, Clarke shakes the distraction from her mind. It’s not the first time she’s regretted not cancelling and as she watches her friend through the glass window of the small lunch bar her stomach burns hot with restless nerves and hesitation.

The smell of charred meats and sweet grilled onions fills Clarke’s nose as soon as she walks in, the small bell on the door ringing to announce her entrance. Lincoln’s soft brown eyes lock onto her immediately and as much as she wants to turn around and scurry back to the small confinements of her car, it’s too late. She swallows thickly before weaving through tables and chairs and to her relief into the warm strong arms of a friends’ embrace.   

“Sorry, I’m late” Clarke mumbles into the soft cotton of Lincoln’s t-shirt. She can hear the gentle rumble of a small laugh deep within his chest before it reaches his lips and just like that all the pent up nerves, hesitation and worries seem to dissolve. They pull apart soon after, Clarke taking the seat opposite him not even hesitating to pick at his discarded plate of now cold, soggy chips.

It had dawned on Clarke somewhere between crossing over Elm Street and Vixen Drive that she really wasn’t prepared. That, though she knows of Lincoln’s late connections with both Anya and Lexa, in Lincoln’s reality that conversation had yet to happen. It was then she had fought to give into the urge of turning her car around and driving back to campus, it was also the reason why she had spent fifteen minutes sitting in her car in the half abandoned car park.

“So what’s up?” Lincoln asks relaxing into his chair as he watches Clarke pick her way through his plate.

“I heard you used to go to TonDC before switching degrees, I work with Anya at Arkadia”

“No shit” recognition splays across Lincoln’s face “how’s she doing?”        

“Yeah good – great, honestly I barely know much about her actually I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like me all that much” Lincoln chuckles.

“Don’t take it personally, that’s just Anya. Beneath all that attitude and hard arsed exterior is a fiercely loyal person”

“Is that the same for Lexa?” it had slipped past Clarke’s lips before she could even catch it surprising both Lincoln and herself.

“Lexa Woods?” Clarke merely nods once “wow it really is a small world huh?” _you have no idea_ Clarke thinks to herself. She definitely came here unprepared and though she didn’t have a plan she hadn’t pictured it going quite like this. “Well I haven’t spoken to either of them for a few years now” Lincoln admits, guilt pinching at the corners of his eye "but back in college we had most of our classes together, why? What’s this about?” and there it is, it echoes in Clarke’s ears, acid now burning the back of her throat. Panic pulls at Clarke’s vocal cords trapping the words there the fear of yet another one of her friends thinking she’s crazy is the reason why she pushes her chair backwards.

“Sorry, it doesn’t matter anyway, I – I gotta go –” but before she pivots on her feet and makes an embarrassing dash towards the doors a strong arm reaches out and grips her tightly around her wrist.

“Clarke” Lincoln’s voice is still low and gentle though tinged with worry “is this about Anya?” Clarke swallows “Or Lexa?” something flashes in Lincoln’s eyes as he releases his tight hold. Though Clarke has yet to confirm anything there must be something showing in her eyes. There’s a building pressure behind them and her vision blurs before she’s able blink them clear again.

“Just –” Clarke watches as the man rustles through a worn leather satchel and retrieves a piece of paper and a black ball point pen. “Lexa’s a pretty private person as you must know” he says with a smile as Clarke watches him scribble something down “It’s not my story to tell but there’s a reason to why she’s so closed off” he folds the paper up and places into her un-expecting hand “You’ll find her here every Saturday mornings like religion” Clarke stares down at their adjoining hands “Don’t let those walls deter you, she’s a good person” and with a gentle reassuring squeeze of her closed fist Lincoln loosens his hold.

* * *

 

Clarke doesn’t look at the note until she is back in her dormitory, her phone long forgotten with at least seven unread messages from Raven and two missed calls from Octavia. Lincoln’s scribbled hand writing revealed an address down town one Clarke is not familiar with. Ignoring the worried messages from her best friend she types the address into maps. It’s a corner lot by the looks of it, opposite a Chinese takeaway joint and next to an abandoned warehouse. As to why Lexa would be here every Saturday mornings is a mystery to Clarke, it’s at least a forty minute drive from her house and centred in a questioning neighbourhood known for trouble. _Maybe she works there_ Clarke thinks to herself though given by the satellite images the building doesn’t look like offices, instead it looks like an old run down hall.

“Where the fuck have you been?” there’s a loud bang as the door flies open and hits the wall causing Clarke to drop her phone into her lap. Raven’s there with two plastic bags in hand, worry deep in her eyes clouded by annoyance. “I text you like a hundred times” _Seven actually_ Clarke thinks but chooses not to voice it as Raven pushes the door closed with one foot and places the bags on top of her desk.

“I had to clear my head” Clarke says as she watches her best friend lay out plastic containers of her favourite take out in front of her.

“So you’re feeling better?” Raven asks lowering her tone.

“A bit yeah” Clarke smiles, unseen by Raven who is still busy digging through the bags. Clarke is truly blessed to have the friends she does in her life. The worry emanating from Raven as she fusses around warms her heart and she’s truly grateful.

“Well eat, before this shit goes cold”          

 

* * *

 

Thursday rolls around and Clarke is angsty, she decides to attend her biology lecture but spends most of the time doodling in the margins of her note book then re-writing the notes the lecturer is scribbling down on the board. Today she is expecting a phone call, one from Monty asking if she can fill in for Anya and though the last two times she has, she’s still nervous that this time around it won’t happen. She had strategically avoided the café in hopes of dodging Anya and preys she hasn’t asked someone else to take her shift because today might be the day, if she plays her cards right that she gets to see Lexa for the first time.

“You need to eat” Octavia sates as she throws Clarke an apple. _It’s a start_ Clarke thinks to herself as she takes it and bites into the juicy flesh. The squabbling begins but Clarke ignores it, her sweaty fingers gripping onto her phone like it’s the only thing keeping her grounded here, _any minute now._

“Fine”

“Fine”

The phone vibrates and with lightening speed Clarke answers it and presses it eagerly to her ear.

“Hello” her voice is slightly breathless catching the attention of her two best friends but she ignores the questing glares.

“Hey Clarke” it’s Monty and he sounds stressed, “can you work two till four, Anya’s out sick?” relief fills Clarke’s veins, not wanting to sound too eager she clears her throat before agreeing.

 

Clarke taps the marker on the desk. She had tried busying herself by cleaning and restocking but in her anxious state she managed to already spill half a bag of coffee beans onto the floor and overflow the wash sink twice. Clarke huffs, blowing the strand of blonde hair out of her eyes this was a lot more stressful than she had anticipated. _What if she doesn’t come?_ Clarke ignores her own thoughts though regretting not having conjured up a backup plan. _What if she does come?_ It’s that thought that scares her more. She hadn’t thought of what to say and she has to say something and then there’s the ring of the small bell atop the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter before I go to work I know and I'm sorry, but I'll be back at it tonight when I finished and tomorrow all day :) sorry for any mistakes as usual let me know what you think? Where is it you think Lexa is every Saturday mornings? thank you for reading and thankyou for the endless support


	12. There's A Fine Art To Stalking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is forced to make an impetuous decision, desperate to not let the moment slip between her fingers this time around. Plus what's the harm in a little playful flirting?

_Shit – “Shit!”_ Clarke hisses under her breath, in all her Clarke Griffin grace she’s managed to whirl herself around, hip colliding with the metal bench top sending the neatly stacked piles of plastic coffee lids to the floor with a loud clatter. Luckily for Clarke her back is turned but even so, she can feel the intense gaze of the woman standing behind the counter causing the little hairs on the back of her neck to rise. “Um–I’ll be right with you” Clarke says hastily, though her words are directed towards the floor where desperate hands work to clear away the mess.

“No worries, take your time” it feels as if Clarke’s heart stops it frantic thrumming, she swallows thickly in attempts to recollect her composure. Nervous sweat cools against her forehead and palms but on shaky legs she manages to turn around. It doesn’t matter how prepared Clarke could’ve been, or how long she had been expecting this, she’s still taken away. Lexa is more beautiful than Clarke remembers, how that is humanly possible astounds Clarke to the point where her words catch in the back of her throat. She clears it, suddenly aware of how long she’d been staring and quickly wipes her sweaty palms on her dirty apron before asking.

“Hey –” she catches herself, just as the woman’s name is about to roll off her tongue “what can I get for you today?”

“Actually I’m looking for Anya”

“Sorry” Clarke replies “she’s out sick today but I can take a message” Clarke watches the subtle lines splay across Lexa’s face. How her jaw sets and her lips purse, how her eyebrows bridge together slightly in a brief moment of confusion or concern, maybe even a bit of both.

“Don’t worry about the message I’ll just catch her next time” and just as the suited woman turns to leave in a moment of desperation and panic to not let this moment slip through her fingers again, Clarke calls out.

“Are you sure I can’t tempt you with a coffee? I make a mean affogato, I promise it’s even better than Anya’s” that seems to catch the woman’s attention, she stills, her hand still holding onto the door handle before turning and facing Clarke.   

“Don’t let Anya hear you say that” the smallest smile pinches at the woman’s lips softening her stern poised features.

“I won’t tell her if you don’t” Clarke says reaching out for a plastic cup “may as well, you’re already here” Lexa retrieves her hand.

“Alright” she says reaching into her pocket “but I’ll have to take it to go” Clarke smiles to herself, it’s a small victory, one that gives rise to a rash decision. 

“Name for the order?”

“Lexa” Clarke scribbles the name onto the plastic cup. It takes her a few minutes and during that whole time Lexa watches her closely causing Clarke’s skin to itch in the best of ways.

“Here you go”

“Thank you” and with a gentle smile, the one that pulls at Clarke’s heart and steals the breath right from her lungs she watches as Lexa turns and walks back towards the door. Anticipation builds as she see’s Lexa look down at the cup in her hands and for the second time she pauses just shy of the door way and turns to face the blonde.

“This isn’t my name”

“Let’s just call it a reference for the next time you’re in need of a caffeine fix” Clarke says with a smug smile. It was brazen and uncharacteristically unprofessional of Clarke, but under these circumstances she didn’t even think twice about jotting her own name down.  

“Well, thanks again, _Clarke_ ” it's subtle yet playful the way Lexa draws in her plush bottom lip between her teeth and as green meets blue across the room Clarke notices the lingering stare in which Lexa's eyes hold Clarke's for just a fraction longer than she needed too.     

* * *

 

Clarke is feeling good, she shrugs out of her coat and tosses onto the pile of clean clothes waiting to be folded up and put away. Too caught up in her own little world to pay any attention to the radio playing in the back ground, she barely even acknowledges the suspicious look Raven shoots her from across the room.

“Well someone’s in a good mood” Raven says shifting in her seat as she shuts her text book. Clarke looks up to find Raven staring directly at her, notes and assignments all pushed aside.

“It was a good shift” Clarke replies with an uncontrollable smile. There’s a moment of pleading silence as Raven waits for Clarke to elaborate, despite her desperate bid for a distraction, Clarke knows it’s just a form of procrastination. “Come on Clarke I’ve been cramped up in here all day, give me something” Raven wines tossing her pen in frustration. “What’s it like out there in the real world?”

“God Raven you’re so dramatic”

“I’m just saying, once exams are done –”

“ _Once_ they are done, for now it’s head down and full focus” Clarke says reopening Raven’s book and tapping the highlighted paragraph. Her five thousand word essay only half finished “this is due tomorrow”

“You’re no fun, you know that?” Raven grumbles, pouting like a child who’s been denied play time. “I don’t see you, head buried in books dying from sheer boredom”

“Because unlike you” Clarke says with a smug grin “I didn’t leave everything till the last minute, I’m well prepared” once again Raven scoffs in protest  but after one stern look from Clarke she finally takes the pen from her friend’s hand “no fun at all” Raven mumbles.

 

“Where are you going?” Raven asks as she watches Clarke gather up her belongings and head towards the door. In fifteen minutes Octavia will be pushing her way into the small dormitory and as much as Clarke loves the company of her two best friends there’s no way she’s prepared to endure even one minutes of Clueless this time.

“I need to return a book to the library” Clarke says, “I’ll be back later” and with that she excuses herself.

Clarke is reminded why she usually avoids the library during this time of year, as she finally finds a free seat in the back corner of the room, she nestles herself into the old worn cushioned chair. Purposefully neglecting her heavy text book Clarke pulls out a sharp pencil and sketchbook. She can waste a few hours here and if she’s lucky enough, catch the eye of her biology professor just as he’s about to wind up his scheduled study session. It’s close to seven thirty when Clarke looks up to see a small group of students filing out one by one.

“ _Shit”_ she rasps and in a very ungraceful manner, tripping over scattered bags and the tangles of people’s feet Clarke stumbles through the crowded area, ignoring all the sombre glares and whispered remarks. “Professor” she huffs stuffing the half finished sketch back into her book bag.

“Miss Griffin” the tall man turns to face her, eyes roaming over her features as he peers down at her over the rim of his glasses “what can I do for you?”

“Umm – there’s a concept here that I just can’t seem to grasp” she says thrusting the large text book into the lecturer’s arms.

“Well take a seat and we can work our way through it” he says with a smile pulling out the closest free seat. It’s takes forty minutes of listening and pretending to grasp a concept Clarke already knows like it’s the back of her hand but it’s enough to convince her professor that she is at least working her way through the practice exam content. “Your understanding is there Clarke” he says with a gentle smile “you just need to apply it to the questions, read them carefully next time” Clarke smiles and nods, thanking her professor for his time before she exits the crowded library and back to her dormitory.

 

It had been a good day, one in which Clarke has felt more in control than she's ever felt over the past six months. It's a small chip off her shoulders as she settles into her bed, cocooned in the warmth of blankets she allows herself to reflect, a welcomed distraction from all the worrying and scrutiny that usually preoccupies her mind until her eye lids grow so heavy she can no longer keep them open, until the thoughts in her brain are nothing more than white noise. _It was a good day_ she reminds herself and it's that thought and thought alone that lulls her into a deep sleep.     

* * *

 

Come Saturday, Clarke is back to worrying at her bottom lip, brows furrowed as she stares down at the piece of paper with the address Lincoln had given her. As much as her feet itch to carry her towards the down town corner lot Clarke ponders her choices carefully. Maybe she should wait until next Saturday, after the run in with Lexa at the Bait Shop, or maybe she should go and scout it out now, there’s more than enough time for her to drive down there and back again before her study session with Octavia. She sighs loudly, accidently running into Lexa was one thing but through methodical planning and precise timing it feels a lot like stalking.

“This is ridiculous” Clarke huffs tossing the piece of paper onto her bed, her frustration flaring as it nears eight in the morning. Agitated and in need of a distraction Clarke decides to grab herself a late breakfast at work before meeting up with Octavia in the library. She might not be prepared to mark another blip on Lexa’s radar today but she’s sure going to make sure her professor doesn’t suspect her of cheating this time around. _One thing at a time_ Clarke says to herself before reaching out for her keys, for now, neglecting the piece of paper scrunched up on top of her bed.   

 

By the time she arrives at the café there's a line almost out the door, patrons patiently waiting for their morning coffee and a quick bite to eat on their way to work. It's a particularly warm morning and as the sun filters through the tall branches of the near by oaks, Clarke soaks in it's warmth like a hot bath after a long day.

"Don't you have studying to do?" through the crack of one eye Monty's beaming face comes into full focus as he clears away the dishes in font of Clarke.

"Study break" Clarke replies chuckling as Monty slaps her helping hand away. "It's busy, let me bring these in" 

"Not a chance, I've got it"

"Doesn't someone else usually work the morning shift with you?" Clarke asks as she cranes her neck to the side, there's not a table free inside and though there's a few boys working the back there's far too much work for Monty alone.

"Anya usually, but she gets one Saturday off a month for her other job or something" Clarke merely nods, full from pancakes and a rich iced chocolate the heat of the day has left her feeling drowsy and lethargic. "When you're done here, come in and pick up your payslips" Monty says as he reaches out and pats the top of Clarke's shoulder before scurrying away back inside to tend to the awaiting customers.       

 

For the rest of the day Clarke remains cooped up in the dry air-conditioned walls of the library. It's rounding six thirty and if it's not the restlessness of Raven, fidgeting and huffing in her seat it's the dull rumble of Clarke's empty stomach that calls for a much needed break.

"I'm hungry, lets grab some dinner?"

"Finally!" Raven blurts out earning herself disgruntled _"shhh"_ from the students close by. "I thought you'd never ask" Raven whispers ignoring the amused smirk on Octavia's face.

Just like the library the cafeteria is full, most people have traded in their heavy text books for loaded trays but there's still a few students who manage both.

"I'd kill for some real food right about now" Clarke mumbles as she digs through her plate of now cold rice.

"What are you talking about?" Raven says in-between shovelling food into her mouth "this is great".

"Not as great as the burgers from the Bait Shop" Clarke argues with a knowing grin. She watches as Raven swallows her mouthful and concedes, even Octavia groans longingly for a thick juicy burger, topped with tick crisp bacon smothered in their famous herb mayo.

"Well if you're paying I'll go" Raven says pushing her plate aside and tossing away her used napkin.

  

The next day, once again Clarke coughs up another fifty dollars, shouting her friends’ lunch down at the all famous Bait Shop. It’s a beautiful warm day and as both women opposite her dig into their burgers Clarke can’t help but scan the footpath for a particular brunette. She hadn't given it much planning, apart from planting the idea to come down today to her best friends who, by the looks of the food smeared across their cheeks don't seem to mind at all. But apart from that Clarke has no idea how or even if she will run into Lexa this time around.

“Clarke, are you listening?”

“Yeah sorry…what?”

“Your birthday”

“Polis is great” Clarke says with a curt nod “I mean, I heard it’s really great” Clarke says craning her neck so she can see past the couple sitting beside the door.

“You right there Griffin?” Raven says in-between mouthfuls “you seem a little distracted” it’s then Clarke catches the flash of black and grey sportswear.

“Yeah no, it’s just hard to focus on birthday plans with exams right around the corner” she says turning her attention back though keeping the figure of the woman in her peripherals. Both her friends nod in agreement, unaware that Clarke is feeling the strain of matters that aren’t revolving around exam revision and final due dates.

“Can’t wait for this year to be over” Raven says pushing the plate aside, her bad attitude the result of lack of sleep and constant stress. Clarke can’t blame her or Octavia in that matter as she remembers how she felt the first time around. She barely had the time to eat let alone socialise with anyone apart from the occasional times she spent studying with her friends in their dormitory. She almost misses the life of a normal college student, as dull as it was back then Clarke craves to learn something different, she wonders what she would know now if it weren’t for this…Clarke shakes the thought from her mind because out of the corner of her eye she catches Lexa standing behind her. In that moment Clarke decides to just go ahead and wing it, if she makes a total fool of herself there's always next time though Clarke really hopes there will be no need for a next time.

“Excuse me for a second” Clarke whispers as she pushes her chair back, bracing herself for the sudden impact, Clarke turns abruptly purposefully ploughing into Lexa.

“Shit I’m so sorry” Clarke rasps, it was a lot rougher than she intended, hand instantly warping tightly around the lithe wrist for support “are you alright?” She asks feeling guilty and slightly foolish, maybe she should’ve opted for a small wave and awkward _"hello"_. Clarke holds her breathe anxiously as Lexa’s eyes settle onto hers, pinching slightly at the corners as if deep in thought.

“The girl from the café” she says suddenly, recognition softening her sharp features causing Clarke to sigh a breath of relief.

“Clarke”

“I remember" there's a moment of tense silence and just as it looks like Lexa isn't going to say anything else she adds  "the one who makes a mean affogato” and out of nowhere there’s that small devilish smirk, the one that tugs just at the corner of her lip that it barley passes as a smile at all.

“So you enjoyed it then?” Clarke asks eyes trained to those soft silk like lips.

“As a matter of fact, I did” Clarke smiles redirecting her stare not caring if Lexa caught her out on it or not. Given that Lexa’s eyes are fixed on hers, she has.

“Better not let Anya hear you say that!” Clarke replies with a smug grin of her own.

“I won’t tell her if you don’t”

“Miss Woods” the man behind the counter calls out drawing both women’s attention away briefly.

“That’s me” Lexa states. Clarke watches as woman gathers up the bags from the counter, ready to take her meal and go when Lincoln's voice pops into her head _"Don't let those walls deter you"_

“Well, if you’re ever in need of another –”

“I’ll know who to ask for” Lexa says and just before she’s about to turn around and exit through the single glass door entrance she stops and turns. “I have a good reference, don’t forget” and with a subtle flirtatious wink that sends Clarke’s heart slamming into her ribcage, Lexa slips out onto the footpath lost in the busy flow of pedestrians.

It takes a long time before Clarke can hear her own thoughts over the constant drumming of her heart, her cheek red and aching from the smile that still hasn’t faded as she turns back towards her friends.

“Um excuse me” Raven says using her foot to kick out the chair indicating for Clarke to take her seat back “but who the _fuck_ was that?” she asks, arms folded as she slouches back comfortably, a shit eating grin splayed across her face from one ear to the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about time something works out for Clarke, I hope you guys liked it as always let me know what you think and thank you for all the support, positive comments/kudos and most importantly taking the time out to check it out.  
> Also taking PROMPTS on my Tumblr https://shaydez13.tumblr.com with Clexa Week Halloween I'm in need for ideas. Let me know what you want to read.


	13. Suprises Come In Many Different Ages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarks is lead on a wild goose chase across town or so she'd hoped. Instead she's met with a surprise when she decides to follow Lincoln's advice way too early on a Saturday morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for all your positive support. All the kudos, comments and bookmarks mean everything, you guys are truly the best! As always I'm excited to hear what you think you can also find me on Tumblr https://shaydez13.tumblr.com/ for anything or if you just want to talk Clexa!!!! I apologise for any mistakes.

Anxious, well that’s what Clarke would’ve felt if she’d given herself enough time to contemplate her decision. Now she just feels, _foolish._ “What are you doing Griffin?” she asks herself in the reflection of the review mirror. Its seven thirty in the morning. Much too early for a Saturday, even Raven was surprised enough to wake from her drunken induced coma.

“What the fuck are you doing?” the muffled voice croaked from beneath a fortress of pillows.

“I’m going to meet a friend” Clarke said digging through the pile of clothes. She really must learn to separate her laundry, or at least attempt to put her clean clothes away.

“It’s six thirty” Raven protested emerging from the den of ruffled up blankets and tangled sheets.

“I’m meeting them for breakfast”

“Clarke doesn’t do breakfast” Raven stated. Clarke looked over at her still dressed in last night’s clothes. Makeup smudged around half lidded eyes and her hair a wild bird’s nest of mats and tangles.

“Go back to sleep Raven, I’ll see you this afternoon” Raven didn’t protest, instead she merely nodded once before rolling over.

“They better be worth it” the voice called out just as Clarke pulled the door closed behind her.

 

Its eight thirty and already Clarke is two coffees into her morning. It seemed more appropriate than just sitting in the car. Luckily for her there is a small bakery two buildings down, though the coffee is only lukewarm and cake is stale it helps settle some nerves. She idly flips through the local newspaper. She skips past articles about increasing property tax, surging water bills and the sports section before a small article catches her eye. It’s just beneath another small snippet, about a community centre that a small local art gallery will be opening up. Clarke doesn’t recognise any of the featured artists but she does notice that more than half of the displays are works from local kids. She mentally takes note of the name and date, maybe if she has enough time she might check it out. She might even drag Raven and Octavia along with her too.

It’s close to nine o’clock when Clarke exits the small run down bakery right next to the Chinese takeaway shop. It’s the quieter end of the neighbourhood and Clarke wonders how exactly these business stay open. She’s been standing on the footpath for at least five minutes and not one car has driven past her. It’s very different to the busy little strip where Arkadia is situated, right in the midst of all the tall offices, surrounded by schools and universities. Still they must get enough traffic because there still open and trading. Just then Clarke is pulled from her thoughts by the loud ringing of her phone. She rustles around in her handbag for a moment until she’s able to fish it out and answer.

“Hello”

“Clarke, where are you?” Octavia says loudly, Clarke can hear the noise of muffled chatter and something rattling in the background.

“TonDC”

“Why are you in TonDC?” _Good question_ Clarke thinks to herself as she fiddles with her keys. The question is on the tip of her tongue. She could easily get back into her car and drive off. Meet Octavia where ever she may be, actually grab a proper breakfast and spend the rest of the day with her friends. “Clarke you there?” subconsciously Clarke’s eyes wander across the street and settle on the small run down hall on the corner.

“I’m meeting a friend” Clarke explains ignore the sceptical “hmm” she gets from the other end.

“I’ll explain it later, I really gotta go”.

“It’s a date” Clarke hears Octavia say.

“I told you” shouts Raven in the background.

“It’s not a date” Clarke states clearly before saying another quick goodbye and hanging up. It is defiantly not a date.

* * *

 

Okay so a date would be less daunting than this Clarke decides as she peers down at the scribbled note held tightly in her hands. She has tripled checked and then doubled checked again that it’s the in fact the right addresses. Yet here she is, still standing outside the two double doors on the small porch of this old abandoned hall. She curses Lincoln’s name as she pries open the doors which to her surprise is unlocked. So maybe this isn’t just some wild goose-chase around the city. Not that she’d ever believe Lincoln would do that but maybe a part of her hoped that he had. So at least then Clarke could’ve said she tried, she could turn around without anyone knowing why she was here in the first place. That she could forget about the certain brunette and live out the rest of her three months as she pleases or until she’s thought up a better plan than this.

It’s the sounds of voices that draws Clarke towards another set of double doors, curiosity and the fact that she knows she can’t ever forget about the beautiful brunette no matter how hard she tries.

It’s most defiantly a hall, carpeted floors, high ceilings and a stage right at the front of the room. There’s also a small adjoining kitchen area and a trestle table offering tea, coffee, water and cordial. It’s an old building, most of the walls have water damage and the paint’s all chipped and peeling away, but that’s not what Clarke focuses on. In the middle of the room there’s at least thirty kids seated in chairs in a tight circle. The youngest at least ten maybe younger to late teens eighteen maybe even twenty. All listening carefully to the speaker amongst them as they flip through pages of a booklet.

It’s only when the door closes behind Clarke that all the kids look up and in that moment Clarke heart stops beating. Like a deer caught in headlights Clarke freezes. _Oh this was a terrible idea_ Clarke thinks to herself, she wants to run, running sounds great right about now but it’s too late, Lexa’s head turns to face her. Clear confusion plays across her face and Clarke can’t think of another time in her life that’s she’s been more mortified.

“Excuse me for a minute” Lexa says as she stands, eye still trained on Clarke. _Nothing_ absolutely nothing is running through Clarke’s mind right now. In the midst of her sheer panic her brain has completely short circuited. She’s had this nightmare before, but she was naked and at school yet somehow as Lexa makes her way over this feel worse. “Clarke” Lexa says, brows knitted together and arms crossed tightly across her chest. “What are you doing here?”

Clarke opens and closes her mouth instantly when nothing comes out. Her skin prickles and itches in the most uncomfortable way and there’s a heat spreading rapidly across her face, down her neck and into her chest.

“Lincoln” she says finally though her voice is strained and slightly pinched. The confused expression on Lexa’s face only deepens. “Told me about this place, said if I was ever in this area I should come check it out” the white lie leaves a bitter taste in the back of Clarke’s throat and she swallows in an attempt to rid it. There’s something in Lexa’s eyes, the way they dart from side to side as they bore into Clarkes. As if she knows it’s not the truth and she’s silently searching for it on Clarke’s face. Regret, embarrassment and disappointment all come crashing down on Clarke at once. It’s almost crippling as she fights back the frustrated tears. _What were you thinking? Coming here, showing up like this?_ Clarke had no right and she knows it. She’s half way across the city, in a neighbourhood she doesn’t even know, chasing a woman she’s only just met. It was selfish of her, a desperate last attempt to put an end to this torment. But there is no end it seems and she’s just as helpless, just as clueless as she was the first time. “I’m sorry, I should’ve never have come here” Clarke’s already retreating back to the two double doors. Defeat weighing heavily on her heart as it struggles to beat in the tight constrictions of her chest.

“Wait, Clarke” Lexa reaches out grabbing Clarke gently around her wrist. She swallows thickly at how warm and soft Lexa’s touch is. Hates how her body instantly reacts to it, breaking out in goose-bumps and sending a shiver down her spine. She doesn’t want to turn and look up, doesn’t want to see the way Lexa might look at her but Lexa only tightens her grip in a silent plea. “You said Lincoln told you to stop by?” It takes a few seconds for Clarke to muster up the confidence to meet Lexa’s eyes but when she does they’re softer now, less scrutinising more curious.   

“Mentioned Anya, he said you guys used to have classes together”

“And you know Lincoln how?”

“We met a few years ago at a college party” Lexa nods once “and now dating my best friend” there’s an awkward silence between them as Lexa processes the information and Clarke thinks of something else to say.

“And he told you to come here?” Clarke’s mouth dries. She doesn’t want to lie, absolutely hates the idea of it but then Lexa shrugs casually “well were still taking volunteers”.

“Yes” Clarke blurts out “If you need any help, I’d love to” and to her surprise Lexa’s shoulders have dropped and her hands at fiddling with the folder she was holding. She’s dressed simply in tight skinny black jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Very different from the fresh pressed suit Clarke has seen her in before. Her is hair pulled back in a casual ponytail, instead of those intricate braids and are they Converse Ox on her feet?

“There’s a position in the kitchen” Lexa says drawing Clarke’s attention away from her feet, she smiles sheepishly as Lexa sorts through the papers in her folder.

“Sorry?” Clarke asks not noticing the small smirk on Lexa’s lips.

“In the kitchen, preparing food”

“Oh I can’t cook”

“Any sports?” Lexa asks looking down at the piece of paper in her hands.

“Umm…I’m not really the sporty type” Clarke replies awkwardly. Again Lexa nods once closing the folder slowly. It makes Clarke nervous so she does what she always does in situations like this “But I can draw, I mean I love to draw…and paint in my spare time, when I’m not working”

“Bring this back in next Saturday with the police clearance and we’ll go from there” Lexa says with a gentle smile handing over a piece of paper “I should really get back, but meet me here at seven thirty next week?”

“Yeah okay, sure” Clarke says with a smile “thankyou”.

Clarke couldn’t get out there fast enough. She can still feel the stares of all the kids prickle on the back of her neck as she practically throws herself through the two double doors. _What just happened?_ She’s across the street and unlocking her car when she remembers the piece of paper clenched tightly in her sweaty palms. Nervously she unfolds it once she’s inside her car. She hadn’t even thought twice about offering and Clarke releases she’s been doing a lot of that lately, not thinking that is. It reads in plain black bold writing right in the top right hand corner, **TonDC Youth Centre**. _Wait_ , Lexa works at youth centre?!


	14. Good Old Times and Much Needed Catch Ups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last three…six months have been lonely and though Raven isn’t caught up in this time loop, instead just unknowingly living out the same three months, Clarke gets the sense her friend can almost feel the distance that’s grown between them.

Monday comes and goes, painstakingly slow and Clarke wonders why she even bothers anymore. Everything now feels tedious, her lectures, her tutorials **,** _god_ even the interactions with her friends sometimes. She tries desperately not to think of it that way, instead paying close attention to all the smaller details, like body language. _Has Raven always done that?_ Clarke finds herself asking as she watches the way her friend scratches at her nails while hammering home a point. She had noticed it last week while they were arguing over something so pointless that Clarke can’t even remember. It’s funny how much she’d missed, too caught up in what was being said and by who. It’s not until you relive the exact same scenario, knowing exactly what’s going to be said and when that you can just focus on other things. Like the way Octavia’s toes curl when she disagrees with an opinion. Clarke smiles amusingly at the newly found knowledge.

“What do you think Clarke?” at the sound of her name Clarke’s eyes peel away from the ground to find Octavia looking at her curiously and Raven, expectantly. “What are you looking at?’ Raven asks just as Octavia moves her feet away subconsciously.

“She’s not gay” another perk to reliving the same scenario’s over and over again, Clarke always knew what was going on even if her mind did wandered, which it did a lot these days. To Raven’s annoyance she just folds her arms across her chest like a child and resumes the show.

“Watch and see, I’ll prove you both wrong” Clarke chuckles quietly knowing all too well that she and Octavia are right and like the mature adult Raven is, she simply just flips them off.

 

* * *

 

Tuesday morning and Clarke is awake by five, in her haste she forgets the all-important documents she needs and ends up crashing through the door in a flustered state.

“What are you doing?” comes the all-encompassing groan from underneath a pile of laundry.

“Sorry” Clarke whispers as she juggles her keys, bag and purse in one hand, the other desperately trying to free the papers from underneath the weight of her chemistry textbook.

“It’s five in the morning” Raven states, eyes half open in a stern glare as she surfaces. “Why do you look like that?”

“I’m catching up with a friend” Clarke replies as she trips over her work shoes on her way out.

“You don’t have any friends” is the last thing she hears as she pulls the door shut and makes her way towards her car.

Scrunched up in her hand are the application forms and the form she had successfully managed to keep hidden from her noisy roommate. It’s not that she didn’t want to tell her friends about it, but more the fact she just didn’t know what to say. How does one try and explain that _she is seriously considering volunteering at a youth centre in hopes to become close to a woman she barely knows in hopes that she’s the key to stopping this reoccurring nightmare that is her life?_ _That time is a concept and in fact, knows firsthand that it does not exist and she’s somehow stuck in a parallel vortex…time loop._ It gives Clarke a headache just thinking about it. She will tell them of course just after she’s organised the police clearance and handed Lexa back all the things she needs.

 _Lexa,_ usually the first place her mind goes to when it’s on its own little tangent. In fact, Clarke spends a lot of time thinking how she _shouldn’t_ be thinking about that cute little freckle on Lexa’s lip. Or just how soft those lips were to kiss and how they had ignited flames across her skin, burning hot inside her core. She shakes the cloud of haze from her head, it’s not the time nor the place and after a choked splutter from the cold engine she makes her way towards town.

It takes longer than Clarke was anticipating, peak hour traffic is no joke and it takes her twenty minutes to cross the intersection into the city. Thank god she lives on campus because there is no way Clarke could manage to function this early in the morning to get herself to college in time. She can barely make it to class on time as it is and it’s only across the courtyard. If she thought peak hour traffic was a joke, finding a carpark was damn near impossible. Finally, after circling the block three times she manages to find one and after having a disagreement with the parking metre and paying more than what was needed she stuffs the papers into her hand bag and makes her way over to the department building.

It’s 11am by the time Clarke walks out, all ten fingertips stained black. She tries to rub it off onto her pants, but it does nothing. One to two business days the lady had said to her before she signed her name, completing the application form and double checking her details were indeed correct.

  

Clarke doesn’t need to look up to know that Raven is hovering. Ever since she got back at lunchtime she noticed the curious glimpse her friend was shooting her when she thought she wasn’t looking.

“What?” Clarke asks, eyes still trained on the book she’s reading.

“What?”

“You’re staring”

“No” Raven’s not fast enough to avoid locking eyes with Clarke and ignores the smug grin splayed across her friends face. “Well, seeing as you brought it up” she continues, yanking off a piece of candy that was just, moments ago hanging from her mouth. “You’ve been busy lately” Clarke remains silent waiting for the question. “Is it the woman from the Bait Shop?”

Clarke hears it, easily missed by anyone else but to her, it echo’s loudly in her ears.

“I’m not mad” Clarke nods because she knows, Raven doesn’t need to explain herself. There’s hurt behind those words and Clarke feels it like a knife to the chest. Guilt worms its way through her stomach and settles heavily on her heart.

 _Old Clarke_ wouldn’t have hesitated to telling Raven about the pretty girl she met at work, she also wouldn’t have hesitated staying up together, until ridiculous hours of the morning revising a game plan. One which involved Raven being there, to watch it all unfold and remind Clarke that if she made a fool of herself that she’d remember it and quite possibly bring it up in every birthday speech after that for the rest of her life.

“I’m sorry Raven” Clarke says honestly while placing her book facedown onto the small study desk. Not breaking eye contact the whole time while she moves to sit next to her best friend.

The last _three_ …six months have been lonely and though Raven isn’t caught up in this time loop, instead just unknowingly living out the same three months, Clarke gets the sense her friend can almost feel the distance that’s grown between them.

* * *

 

Clarke lies awake listening to the even rhythm of Raven’s breaths and finds comfort in knowing that she’s there. That she’s always been there and though she doesn’t understand exactly what Clarke is going through, Clarke knows she can always rely on her. It had been nice, just catching up with each other. Raven listened intently as she told her about the first time she met Lexa. Well the first time _this time around._ Even Raven couldn’t argue that writing her own name instead of Lexa’s on the coffee cup was a smooth move.

“Damn Clarke, she must be special” Clarke didn’t have to say anything, it was written all over her face in different shads of red. “So, what are you going to do?”

“Meet Lexa Saturday morning I suppose” Clarke says with shrug. Once again, she hadn’t really planned much ahead of that and by now she should at least know that that never works out well for her. The worried look on Raven’s face didn’t help matters either. “What?”

“It’s just…you’re not the best with kids” the disbelief in Clarke’s eyes suggests otherwise.

“I’m not that bad” Clarke says trying to recall the times she spent around kids, which isn’t that often now that she’s thinking about it.

“Remember that time over the summer you tried babysitting for some extra cash?”

“Yeah, when we were all playing outside in the backyard” Clarke can briefly remember that day. She had panicked a couple of hours in and called for emergency back and after bribing Octavia and Raven all three of them managed just fine.

“Octavia and I were playing, you were just…” Clarke watches as Raven waves her hand in a circular motion “kinda running around with an excruciating pained expression on your face”

“I was being a wolf” Clarke said blatantly.

“Clarke they were four years old, you were chasing them down as if you were some axe wielding psycho” come to think of it Clarke now remembers instead of shrieks of fun and excitement it sounded more like sheer scream of terror, as they used both Octavia and Raven as human shields.

“That bad huh?”

Raven shakes her head nudging her friend with her shoulder playfully “just a little awkward”.

After that they talk about life and Clarke re-listens to all the things Raven has planned for next year. _Maybe Raven and everyone else is better off_ Clarke thinks to herself as she stares up at the blank ceiling. _Living the same three months over and over again unknowingly._ She soon decides that they are because at least they can make plans, completely unaware that they won’t achieve them. As harsh as that sounds she’d rather that, she’d rather be ignorant and allow herself to plan out her future than live knowing that in three months’ time it starts all over again. Suddenly all the progress that's been made, gone, and it’s back to square one. Maybe she should seriously revisit the idea of robbing a bank and living out her days as a wanted criminal on the run. _Maybe,_ if the plan with Lexa doesn’t work out she thinks.

That night Clarke dreams of the good old times, times where she’s sitting around a large fire, cold beer in her hand listening to the sounds of her friends laughter’s. When the only thing she's worried about is how severe her hangover the next day is going to be. A time where college has ended for the year as everyone excitedly prepares for the next. Where there’s no more fretting about waking up in a cold sweat, back in time three months. And just as Clarke thinks to herself this couldn’t get any better through the dancing flames of the fire, she sees _her_.  


	15. More Than Just Water Stains, Dust and Chipped Paint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t even think about wearing that fucking dress” and just the like Raven’s tosses the quilt off her like it’s personally offended her and she’s sitting up, hair like a birds nest and eyes narrowed. “You’re volunteering at a youth centre not picnicking in the park”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the sweet messages and the constant support and I apologise profusely for keeping every one waiting. I took a long break but during that time I mapped out exactly how this story was going to end, spent a lot of time developing Lexa's story and I'm happy to say that I'm extremely happy and excited about the out come. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also I want to take the chance to give out a massive shoutout to (edenlight3) without this beautiful person's support and hard work, I couldn't have gotten this story together. Thank you for all the long nights spent talking about where my characters were going, the help in developing character back stories and listening me rambling on about how and in which direction I want this story to go. Also thank you for signing on as my beta and for anyone interested I'll release that version once we're finished but for now, I apologise for any mistakes and i'll just continue on pumping this sotry out.

It’s Thursday afternoon when Clarke comes trudging into the occupied dorm room, manila envelope tucked safely underneath her arm.   

“Is that it?” Raven inquiries tossing her pen to the side, notes long forgotten as curious eyes settle onto the folder now gripped tightly in Clarke’s hand “well, what's the verdict?”

Clarke hands it off to Raven and doesn’t miss the glint in her eyes when she notices the seal is still intact. Like a child at Christmas, she tears into it, no concerns of preserving the wrapping.

“Hmm,” Raven sighs, brows pinching together, lips forming a lopsided frown. Panic bubbles beneath Clarke’s skin.

“What?” she spits, snatching the piece of paper from her best friends grips. She hadn’t been nervous about it until now. Searching eyes rake over documented information, unsure of what she’s even looking for. She skims over the name, DOB and address section, internally groaning at the photo she’d provided. _God,_ what a mug shot, she looks like she’s just fresh out of a three-day bender, she should’ve at least brushed her hair.  Alongside the _findings_ subheading, Clarke sighs in relief _no derogatory records._ “It’s clean,” she says placing the certificate carefully in her lap.

“ _Yeah,_ I know” Raven still has that uncertain look splayed across her face “I’m surprised, the number of times I’ve searched some questionable content on your phone.”

“Really?” Clarke asks, but she finds herself not surprised by the blasé confession.

“And your laptop.” Raven’s got that smug look on her face, a wild mischievous look in her eye as Clarke’s left to ponder exactly what _questionable content_ means.

“Arsehole,” she replies with enough force behind her playful shove that it causes Raven to ungraciously fallback, wiping that _shit-eating_ look straight off her face.

The rest of the night is spent nose deep in textbooks, swimming underneath piles of loose printouts and a steady supply of caffeine. The only sounds coming from a frustrated Raven, who huffs and puffs come more frequently the later it gets.  

“I’m done…fuck it,” with that statement Raven slams the large textbook shut, “you know what?”

Clarke peers over the brim of her laptop, course content opened in her web-browser along with three different articles relating to the twin flame theory, the illusion of time and _how do you know you’ve met your twin flame._ She’d hesitated before opening that page, but the later it got, the more tired she grew and the less she cared.  

“Never really saw myself as an engineer,” even Raven didn’t believe her own lie and with an exasperated sigh she reaches out and reopens her textbook.

Octavia is a warm and welcoming sight a couple of hours later. Standing in the doorway with plastic bags hanging from her hands. All three of them pile onto the same, small, single sized mattress, scoffing down lukewarm chinses takeout forgetting about the revision that’s been tossed carelessly onto the floor.

 

* * *

 

Come Saturday, Clarke wakes with a newfound bolt of energy and it’s 5 am when she slinks away to the showers. It’s not until the warm stream of water hits against her bare back, that the familiar coiling of uncertainty makes an appearance. She tries to ignore it, busying herself with an extended cleaning routine, but in the vacant shower blocks, Clarke’s left alone with all her thoughts.

Honestly though, _what the fuck is she doing?_ And yes, being able to relive this moment of her life has caused Clarke to take a more carefree approach towards her decisions and choice making within reason. Usually, she doesn’t need to weigh out any pros and cons or concern herself with consequences. As long as it’s still within her moral compass and doesn’t put her or anyone else in imminent danger. Like skipping class to work extra shifts at the café, saying yes to an impromptu girls night or some much needed retail therapy. Only last Wednesday, she snuck out and visited an art show that she had always wanted to see, but couldn’t because of the demands of upcoming exams. If she’s being completely honest, she’s beginning to enjoy the fact she’s able to do more and more without raising suspicions. Still, her presence is required and that’s what stops her from purchasing a ticket for a week-long spa retreat, though she could use the pampering and quiet relaxation.

But when it has anything to do with a certain brunette, Clarke is nothing more than a bundle of shaking nerves. Hours spent contemplating _what if’s, what if she fucks up and the next time around Lexa knows and doesn’t want anything to do with her? What if she misses her opportunity and there is no next time? What if there is a next time but no Lexa?_ Clarke shakes those worrying thoughts from her mind.

 

It’s close to six thirty when she finishes off drying her hair and makes a hasty return to her room. It had dawned on her while brushing her teeth that she still doesn't know what she's going to wear.

“ _Raven_ ” she whispers, etching closer to the lump in the bed. “Raven, you awake?” Clarke proceeds with caution like she’s approaching a wild animal, careful not to make any sudden movements which might warrant an attack. “Raven?”

A low growl is all the response Clarke gets, but it’s enough for her to reconsider, a dress on a coat hanger in one hand and tight black jeans in the other.

“Don’t even think about wearing that fucking dress” and just the like Raven’s tosses the quilt off her like it’s personally offended her and she’s sitting up, hair like a birds nest and eyes narrowed. “You’re volunteering at a youth centre not picnicking in the park”

It looks like it takes a huge effort to get out of bed, but Clarke remains silent as she watches her friend drag her limbs around like they’re made of lead.

“This.” Raven tosses her a black skin tight singlet with small thin straps “and this.” Clarke looks down at the black and white flannelette shirt that Raven’s pinning to her chest “wear ‘em with the jeans.”

“Thanks” Clarke croaks looking at Raven as she sways back and forth on the spot. Her eyes are closed and she’s still holding onto the coat hanger against Clarke’s boobs.

   

It’s seven o’clock by the time Clarke climbs into her car, after watching Raven crawl back into bed she kisses the side of her head in a rushed _thank you, I appreciate you_ kind of way. She does stop for a second to think whether or not it’s too early. Then she remembers the way Lexa had looked sitting amongst these kids. The way her shoulders were rolled back and relaxed, how open her posture was, leaning back into her chair. It didn’t look like an adult sitting amongst children, no air of authority or superiority even if Lexa is twice their age. This obviously means something to Lexa and Clarke would be damned if she were to show up late and look disinterested, even if it means showing up early and sitting in her car for an hour or so until someone else arrives. It’s with that in mind that Clarke jams the key into the ignition of her car, pulls out of the carpark and heads across town.

 

* * *

 

Traffic is manageable and it only takes her twenty minutes before she’s pulling up in front of the small brick building on the corner. It looks desolate from the outside just like it had the first time Clarke ventured on inside. With her police clearance tucked safely in a new envelope, Clarke gathers up her handbag, a bottle of water and an apple she had grabbed from the shelves at the gas station, before locking her car and making her way up the concrete path. 

To her surprise, the doors are unlocked when she pushes them open, the strong scent of damp carpet and old moths balls filling her nose as she peers around the large empty space. There is a stack of chairs piled up near the stage in the corner of the room, bare trestle tables set up next to the kitchen and a few large round tables stack on-top of one another on the stage.

“Clarke” a familiar voice draws her attention and she finds Lexa standing in the doorframe of the kitchen, jugs of water in both hands. _God,_   how is she so beautiful? with her long brown hair cascading over one shoulder, dressed simply in black ripped skinny jeans and a white plain t-shirt. “You made it.” That kicks Clarke back into gear, pulling herself back to reality and away from her thoughts. She feels a warm flush spread across her chest and hopes it hasn’t made it’s way up to her cheeks as she moves towards Lexa.

“Hey,” she says with a smile, reaching out to grab one of the jugs.

“I’m glad you decided to come back,” Lexa says casually as they walk over to the table and set the drinks aside. Something else flashes across her eyes, almost a nervousness but it’s gone before Clarke can interpret it.

“Me too” she hands the envelope to Lexa and waits as she reads over all the papers that Clarke had singed. “Ok then,” Lexa says folding the papers in half and placing them into her back pocket “there’s a tray of cups in the kitchen.”

 

There are a million questions running through Clarke’s mind as she walks into the dimly lit kitchen, unaware that Lexa is standing right behind her.

“Done anything like this before?” Lexa asks, causing Clarke to whip around, surprised to hear her voice so close.

“No” she replies with a shaky laugh, in all honesty, Clarke didn’t even know why she was here let alone what it is she’s going to be doing. She’s never worked with kids before, in facts she’s had minimal contact with anyone under the age of twenty.

There’s a moment of pause and Clarke doesn’t miss the way Lexa’s lips purse together. Panic lurches in Clarke’s stomach and she wonders if Lexa is regretting her decision.

“Don’t look so worried, Clarke,” Lexa says placing a reassuring hand upon Clarke’s tense shoulders. Instantly she feels the warmth of her hand seep into her skin. It’s a soft touch, a familiar touch and though everything about this interaction is innocent, Clarke registers the gravitational pull she has towards this woman. “I’ve got a use for you”.

 

In the next half hour, both women are busy unpacking chairs, mixing cordials and setting up tables. The large space is quickly turned into a small classroom type setting and Clarke wonders if Lexa does this all by herself every Saturday.

“So…um” Clarke fumbles for words when soft green eyes look up at her. Lexa’s leaning over, about to lift three more chairs from the pile and Clarke almost dies at the view. Her t-shirt’s baggy enough that it dips down, exposing the shallow valley of her cleavage and her arms. Clarke swallows thickly, trying to ignore the muscles carved into those arms. “You do this every Saturday?”

“Yes” it’s a simple answer, no boastfulness about it and just as the air between them becomes heavy with an awkward silence Lexa adds “I run the program here.”

Before Clarke can inquire any further, the door behind them knocks loudly against the brick wall, startling both of them.

“Sorry” comes a soft mumble from a boy no older than fourteen, he bows his head looking down at his muddy shoes.

“That’s ok Aden, come help set out the rest of the chairs,” Lexa says with a warm smile and an enthusiastic wave of her hand. Instantly the boy’s head bounces up and a wide smile spreads across his pale face. He dumps his bag in the corner of the room and almost runs towards the large pile of chairs. He does eye Clarke wearily as he walks past her, but she still offers up a small grin and bashful “ _hello”_.

“Aden, this is Clarke,” Lexa says stepping up to Clarke’s side causing her to hold her breath at how eclectic the air feels around them. “She’s going to be helping out a bit” he still doesn’t meet Clarke's eyes, but he’s polite enough to wave, even if it’s directed to the floor. “Aden’s just a little shy,” Lexa says as she reaches over and ruffles up his strawberry blonde hair, large ears poking out from beneath it. Playfully he swats Lexa’s hand away and the look of complete and utter respect in the young boy's eyes is enough to steal Clarke’s breath away.

 

Soon enough kids start pouring into the room one after another and what was once a silent space is now full of the sounds of laughter and eager voices.

Everyone quietens down once they see Lexa appear at the base of the stage, looking relaxed and comfortable. It’s a new concept for Clarke to wrap her head around. The first time she ever saw Lexa, she was dressed in a form-fitting suit. There was an air of power, unwavering strength, and dominance surrounding her. Like if Clarke had to guess maybe she was a C.E.O or a marketing manager for a high-end company, either way, she was not expecting this. A casually decked out Lexa, speaking to a group of kids of all different ages. Clarke finds it endearing and she wonders how long Lexa’s been doing this.

Clarke watches from the side as Lexa thanks everyone for rocking up, given that it’s 8 am on a Saturday morning she’s surprised that there are at least twenty kids here. What Clarke wasn’t expecting was Lexa to ask about what was going on around the neighborhood and for some of the kids to share what they had heard or seen. Some of the older boys spoke up about not being able to use the courts because there’s always another group of kids hanging around it all the time. One girl says that she passed the local corner store to find the owner out there, scrubbing away graffiti early one morning, while Aden spoke up and said that he’s excited about the local art exhibition and that he’s got a few friends who have entered. Something about that sounds familiar to Clarke, almost like she’s read about it somewhere.

It’s not until she notices everyone's expectant eyes on her that she realizes that Lexa had been addressing her.

“Sorry what?” Clarke says with a croak, but it’s the smile Lexa gives her that sends a swoop of emotion through her chest.

“You’re in charge of the mural for the centre's courts”

There’s a buzz of excitement between everyone in the room, as some kids turn away to whisper amongst each other.

And so that’s how Clarke ended up spending her first Saturday morning at Trikru’s Youth Centre. Once all the kids peeled away, separating into smaller groups, some opting to shoot some hoops outside while others stay behind to play rounds of table tennis, Clarke finds herself surrounded by six enthusiastic people, all brainstorming ideas for their mural. It's then Clarke feels a sense of intense purpose and it swells up inside her chest and warms the inside of her heart. _This, all of this_ she thinks to herself looking around at kids playing. The sight of older kids looking out for younger, the close bonds between everyone here, all laughing and having fun is something _special._ She'd never know a place like this, with all it's water stains, dust and chipped paint would be the home of so much love, laughers and smiles.

 

It’s not until the last kid, who happens to be Aden leave’s with a tired expression on his face that Lexa falls into one of the chairs. A satisfied smile on her lips which makes her look younger than Clarke has ever seen her.

“How’d you enjoy your first day?” she asks turning to find Clarke leaning up against the table, a plastic cup of water in one hand. Clarke tried not to stare, tried looking anywhere else but at the sweaty body of this inquisitive woman that’s sitting in front of her.

In the beginning, Lexa was always close by, watching Clarke carefully as she interacts in her new role. She had walked her outside with the rest of Clarke’s group to scope out the wall that will soon become a centrepiece of community value. It was decent in size and definitely a project Clarke was excited about, especially after hearing all the great ideas from everyone that would be involved.

After an hour or so Clarke became more comfortable, there’s something extraordinary about seeing the excitement grow in the eyes of a child. Like the way Tris, a shy quiet girl had shared her ideas and visions of what she’d like to draw. Lexa drifted in and out, in-between a game of basketball, losing a round of table tennis and checking in on the progress of Clarke’s mural team.

“Great” Clarke says drawing the cold water to ease the dryness of her mouth. She’d definitely not noticed the way Lexa’s shirt clung to her sweaty body. “I had a lot of fun, thank you.” It’s sincere and Clarke hopes that Lexa knows just how much she really means it. “So how long have you been doing this?”

There’s a slight pause and for a moment Clarke regrets asking the question because there’s a slight shift in Lexa’s posture. An almost subtle stiffening that reminds Clarke of the woman she’d met that day, in the café six months ago.

“A year and a half,” Lexa says rising to her feet. Clarke watches as she makes her way over to the table and reaches out for one of the small jugs. In a silent offer, she refills Clarke's cups before grabbing one of her own and skulling most of it in one go. “I grew up in this neighborhood” Lexa shares, playing with the rim of her cup. Clarke remains quiet, allowing Lexa to continue if she chooses. “Unfortunately though, people only see the high crime rate and gang involvement,” she says it with a shrug before finishing the rest of her drink and turning to lean up against the table. Clarke mirrors her, looking out the dusty window to the wall that’s soon going to be covered in colour and life. She misses the way Lexa’s eyes widen almost in shock before her shoulders drop slightly. “What they don’t see is the strong community spirit and I just wanted to give back”

“And these kids?” Clarke asks gesturing her head towards the sprawled out chairs that have yet to be packed away.

“Were just like me,” Lexa says softly and there’s a tremble in her voice, it’s subtle and if Clarke wasn’t a tune to everything Lexa she’s sure she would’ve missed it. “See you next week?” Lexa says tossing her cup into small bin underneath the table.

“What about all this?” Clarke asks looking around at a few chairs still spread out across the room and the small pile of cups on the table.

“I can pack it all up”

Clarke doesn’t leave until she’s certain everything is packed up and wiped down. Though all of the kids had done most of it, there were only a few things left to do and it only took ten minutes.

“Thanks again Lexa for giving me the opportunity to help out,” Clarke says as they walk side by side to Clarke’s car. “See you next week.”

 

During the drive back to campus, Clarke wonders what Lexa was like as a child, she wonders if there was a centre just like Trikru and if Lexa was there every Saturday playing basketball outside or even soccer in the courtyard. Or was she inside talking amongst a group of friends, _maybe Lexa was a quiet child_ or _maybe she was loud and cheeky?_ She doesn’t know. But there was that tinge of sadness laced in Lexa’s tone at the end of their brief conversation and it has Clarke wondering if there’s another reason besides just wanting to _give back._

 


	16. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again Clarke's stricken with a bad case of word vomit and she's just been hit with a freight train of feels.

_Nine,_ Clarke frowns, brows sewn together as that familiar heat spreads throughout her body. _God,_ has she learned to hate the white-hot jabs of panic. Usually, it begins in the back of her throat, an uncomfortable tightening. Like a foreign object has lodged itself there and won’t budge. _Nine._ That’s how many Saturdays she’s got left in the three months. Unfortunately for her, that lodged object is now emitting a heat that seeps into Clarke’s chest. Its weight settles heavily before twisting and pulling at her insides, knotting her stomach, leaving behind an acrid, bitterness in the back of her mouth.

“ _Fuck_ ”

Panic bubbles just beneath her skin, birthing an itching sense of dread and uncertainty. Usually, it’s the opposite, normally she’s counting down the days. But as her hopes begin to diminish so does her sanity and it’s moments like this, alone in her room with nothing but the loud voices inside her head for company.

_How long really, can she continue doing this? How long until she crumbles beneath the weight of everything that’s happening to her? Before she loses sight of what it means to actually be alive? When telling herself this is only a temporary thing isn’t enough anymore, and she succumbs to the devastating disappointment and inevitable depression._

Clarke blinks away the unshed tears, willing herself not to cry, not anymore. This is why her body’s so heavy and all her limbs ache when she crawls into bed at night. Why she’s constantly on the go, every minute of every day. Whether it’s surrounded by her friends talking shit about _day-to-day_ life, or working during the busiest hours at the café. Why she spends time teaching herself fifth-year content and didn’t think twice about sacrificing three hours a week, early on her Saturday mornings.

She _scared_ , terrified of the power of her own mind and the dark thoughts it can conjure up. Shedding light onto possible scenarios that she's desperately trying to keep buried.

 _A scenario in which all this, Lexa, twin flames, getting_ it ( _whatever that might be)_ _right is all just a waste of time. Maybe she’s dead, caught in the in-between (or whatever). A lost soul trapped and forced to walk amongst the living for eternity. Or maybe...what if she were to die tomorrow?_

Clarke splutters and cokes on the air she’s forced to heave in because her chest feels like it’s encased in wet mud and every inhale is a continuous effort. _No._ She shakes away those looming dark thoughts not even taking a second to consider how quickly they come to her these days. Instead, she soldiers on, ignoring the voices telling her she’s _foolish, naïve, that all these efforts are just wasted attempts of a distraction._

 _Nine!_ She has nine Saturdays left with Lexa. As much as the idea of it give her solace it also petrifies her because being in the presence of Lexa isn't _comfortable_ as such. Yes, she get butterflies every time she see her but those butterflies are untamed and wild and they've broken through the cavity of her stomach and trying to tear through her skin. And yes, she's rendered breathless but that's because it feels like her chest is incased in cement and her heart forgets how to pump blood to all her extremities. Like her head and her heart are constantly at war, so no, _comfortable_ wouldn't be a word Clarke would use to describe this feeling.   

 

* * *

 

It’s late afternoon by the time Clarke steps into the corner café. She’d spent the early hours of the morning curled up in the back row of a tute. After closer investigation, Clarke has finally managed to figure out what classes are compulsory and which ones she can skip without it affecting her final grade. Though many of her tute’s record attendance, only a few of them contribute to 5% of her marks and she maps out mentally a new timetable, pleasantly surprised how much free time she’s left with.

She’s spent the last ten minutes rummaging through the filing cabinet, in search of the folder with the new rosters.

“If you’re looking for the rosters, they’re out the front by the register,” Monty says, wiping his hands on the front of his apron which is already covered in icing sugar and patches of cocoa powder.

She’s halfway through scribbling down times and dates on a napkin when she notices a problem. “ _Shit,”_ she huffs annoyed at herself for forgetting. Sheepishly she approaches Monty who’s head is buried in the back fridge.

“Hey Monty,” maybe it was the quiver in her voice or the fact she’d spent a few silent moments lurking awkwardly behind the man, contemplating what she was going to say that drew his attention. A frown adorning his usually bubbly features. A pang of guilt spreads within Clarke’s chest.

“Any chance I can swap my shift Saturday morning?”

“Why?” Annoyance seeps into his voice and Clarke shifts uncomfortably on the spot underneath his scrutinizing glare.     

“I’m working on an art piece with a group of kids,” there’s moment of tense silence and just when Clarke ready to accept the fact that’s she’s going to let Lexa down, heart aching with guilt and disappointment resting heavily on her shoulders, Monty sighs.

“Check the standbys.” 

“I’m sorry.” Monty’s features soften.

“It’s good to hear you’re doing something with that talent of yours,” and just like that, a smile reappears and he's back to his usual happy-go-lucky demeanour.

“Thanks, Monty, I’m sure Anya will take it, she’s always looking for more hours,” Clarke states lightly in hopes that he’ll believe that she won’t just leave him high and dry. That she will find someone else, preferably someone else as experienced as her to make the shift easier on him during one of their busiest days.

“Doubt it,” Monty says tossing a tea-towel over his shoulder as he closes the lid of the dishwasher. “It’s her only Saturday off this month.”

Finally, Clarke manages to fill the shift after calling nine different people. Apparently Saturday opens are the worst time for anyone.

Thankfully Macallan's eager for the extra cash and after profusely apologizing once again to Monty she walks out with a warm blueberry muffin and a couple of hours to kill before heading back to campus.

 

 

Clarke’s distracted, agitated and fidgety in her Friday biology practical with Octavia.

“Watch it,” her friend hisses after Clarke drops the metal tweezers into a pile of Petri dishes and glass slides.

“Sorry,” Clarke mumbles, the large plastic glasses slipping halfway down her nose. She gently picks out the broke coverslip and places them into the large yellow sharps container.

“What’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing.” Clarke states, shrugging off the question despite the questioning glance Octavia’s shoots her.

“You’re a mess,” her friend says turning to place the slide carefully in the clip of the microscope. Clarke waits patiently as Octavia plays around with the two focus knobs. “E.coli,” she says pulling back.

Clarke already knows Octavia is right but she checks anyways. 

“E.coli,” she confirms scribbling it down on their worksheet.

“So, you must really like her huh?” Clarke’s eyes widen in surprise, staring directly at the back of Octavia’s head. She doesn’t need to look at her friend to know the _her_ she's inquiring about, in fact, she rather not because Clarke can feel the flush that’s spread across her cheeks.

“I barely know her,” Clarke replies slipping off the tall stool, in her nervousness she begins playing with the small test tube samples. That’s a lie and she knows it. Okay, so maybe she doesn’t know what Lexa’s favorite colour is, or when her birthday is, or if she likes winter over summer, maybe fall’s her favorite seasons? But what Clarke does know, is that Lexa smiles with her eyes, reserved of only a select few, that she’s patient, gentle underneath that sure fixture. She also knows that Lexa carries more than just a private past, a sadness that weighs heavily on her heart. She knows the softness of her skin, the dips, and valleys of her body, the power of her tremors and the sweet sounds of her breathy moans.

“But it’s _something_?” Octavia’s voice draws Clarke away from her thoughts, one eyebrow quirked in curiosity.

It take a second for Clarke to remember the last time she'd confided in Octavia about Lexa was during the second time. That this time round Octavia doesn't know anything apart from her simple existence and the brief interaction she'd witness at the bait shop.

“She’s _special”_ Clarke clarifies, knowing it doesn’t do enough justice on exactly how Lexa makes her feel. Like how a simple smile triggers a riot in Clarke’s stomach, that she's one edge when ever she's in her presence. Like all her emotions are amplified running like a live wire trough her veins. How she feels like  _home_ yet makes Clarke feel so exposed all at the same time. It's like walking on unstable ground without fearing the fall and despite everything that’s happening to her right now, despite how much she yearns to return to her normal life the chance of losing Lexa scares her. To live a life without the knowledge of the existence of Lexa would make her life feel incomplete, like she's never known the concept of whole up until now.

Clarke looks up to find Octavia staring at her with wide, surprised eyes. Like she hadn’t expected Clarke to be so honest without having to prod and poke her for answers. Or maybe Octavia’s just understood the magnitude of the situation, that this is different than just a short-lived infatuation, something Clarke has never felt before.

“Well,” Octavia says reaching out for another sample “you better short your shit out before tomorrow.” Clarke’s eyes follow Octavia’s blue hand until it disappears behind her head. She feels the tug just below neck and groans when it reappears, the tag of Clarke’s lab-coat pinched between her fingers. Just in case, Clarke peers down to find the obvious lines of stitching, great this whole time her coats been inside out.

“Strep” Clarke says absentmindedly as she watches Octavia pick up the next test tube.

“What?” Clarke shakes her head, pretending like she hadn't said anything at all but she doesn’t miss the suspicious glare Octavia shoots her when she confirms it under the microscope.

 

* * *

 

Clarke doesn’t hesitate to reach out and grab her paint-stained shirt, it’s about two sizes too big but it makes a perfect smock. It’s about seven in the morning when she emerges from the small coffee shop across the street from the old hall. Two lukewarm coffees tucked away in a paper tray. _It’s just coffee_ she tells herself looking down at her impromptu decision. _It’s polite._ She doesn’t give herself enough time to regret her actions, instead, she makes a quick bee-line straight towards the hall. Halfway across the street, there’s a gentle buzz against her left cheek. It’s probably Raven, wishing her luck and reminding her not to make a total arse of herself. Juggling the tray of coffee’s and her handbag in one hand she manages to twist around, fingers wrapping around the phone nestled tightly in her back pocket. She’s just about the fish it out when…

“ _Fuck”_ Clarke collides with something sturdy, too preoccupied with saving the two cups from dropping to the floor to look up.

 _“Seriously?”_ Comes a low, sombre grumble “do you even have eyes, Griffin?” Clarke gasps, peering helplessly up at a very unimpressed, very irritated Anya. She’s wiping off the warm sticky mess from the sleeve of her leather jacket, narrowed eyes looking down at the blonde.

“Anya” Clarke squeaks “what are you doing here?”

Without even asking Anya reaches out for a napkin folded carefully in the side of the tray and wipes her fingers clean.

“Same reason as you,” she huffs shoving the used serviette back into Clarke’s hand but before she can say anything else they both hear Anya’s name being called from across the street.

It’s Aden, backpack sitting high on his back, a wide grin splayed across his face. He waves enthusiastically as he runs straight towards them.

“I’ve got something to show you,” he says excitedly just before wrapping two small arms around Anya's waist. Clarke observes the interaction closely, surprised to see Anya arm pulling him in closer as she ruffles up his strawy hair. “I worked all week on it.”

A laugh spills from Anya’s lips and to Clarke’s amazement it’s genuine. It’s not laced with malice or dark, like she's plotting something evil or just amused to witness the misfortune of others.

“Show me inside, okay buddy?” Aden nods once pulling out of the embrace. He’s just about to step away when he pauses and turns a shy head towards Clarke.

“Hello Clarke”

“Hey, Aden” and just like that the young boy slips away and disappeared behind the two wooden doors.

“Sorry about the coffee” Clarke mumbles, rubbing the back of her neck in a nervous tick after a moment of awkward silence.

“Thirsty” Anya says peering down at the two cups, now a dripping sticky mess.

“Ahh, no, ones…for Lexa” Clarke chides herself for the blush that’s most likely spread like wildfire across her face. Anya’s countenance remains expressionless while she nods much like Aden had, before turning on her feet leaving a confused, flustered Clarke on the sidewalk.

_What the fuck?!_

 

Aden’s already making himself useful when Clarke enters, he’s in the middle of spreading out what looks like scraps of paper and thick permeate markers across two tables.

“Clarke” instantly Clarke’s body tenses, goosebumps breaking out across her pale skin. Lexa steps out from behind Anya and as soon as she does, Clarke’s heart leaps up into the throat and she's left trying to catch her breath because it feels like someone taken a bat to her stomach. _God, she’s trying to kill me_ Clarke thinks to herself, patent eyes raking up and down Lexa’s refined frame. Gone are the ripped jeans, no more ratty converse shoes or plain loose t-shirts. Instead, Lexa’s dressed in grey form-fitting slacks, almost denim in appearance and a white button down shirt tucked in at the waist. Her sleeves are rolled up just above the elbow, hair tumbling down and over one shoulder. Clarke clenches her jaw, her composure crumbling away much too fast. Her legs feel like lead as she makes her way over, self-conscious about how loudly her hearts drumming away.    

“It’s good to see you again.” And there it is, a flicker of something across Lexa's face, the way she purses her lips ever so slightly, the shallow bob of her throat. “Obviously you know Anya” Clarke turns to face the stern features of her co-worker and it finally dawns on her that this is where Anya’s commitment is once a month. “She helps out too, once a month,”

“Well if I’d known I would’ve gotten more coffee,” Clarke says, remembering the tray of coffee clasp in her hand. In an awkward attempt, she thrusts them forward. Why is that every time Lexa's around Clarke's mind goes blank? That she becomes somebody so out of character she can barely recognise herself. Usually she can handle most situation, humoring herself out of awkward ones, knowing just what to say and when.

“Thanks, but I’ve already had one this morning” Anya replies politely “but I’m sure Lexa would love one” Anya's gone before Lexa can reply and when Clarke looks over she notices a faint tint of pink dusting her high cheeks.

“Umm…thanks” she can’t help but raise her brows at the state of the two cups. Streaks of coffee down the sides, foam seeping out the lids.

“I spilled them on Anya,” Clarke says with a casual shrug. A laugh rumbles through Lexa’s chest drawing Clarke’s full attention. She watches Lexa carefully, see’s the upturn of her lips and the warm glint in her eyes and the way Lexa dips her head, almost as if she’s self-conscious, like this kind of laughter is foreign to her, long strands of hair curtaining her face. Clarke’s fingers itch to move it, tuck it behind her tiny ears but she restrains herself. Instead, she watches in jealousy as long, dextrous fingers run through the waves of soft tendrils. Green eyes hold Clarke’s stare and even _if_ she wanted to pull away she knew she couldn’t. She’s drowning, fast in pools of green that hold so much intensity, so much mystery and Clarke aches to know all about it. She remembers the first time she’d gotten lost in those eyes, just two strangers in a café. She wonders if Lexa remembers anything at all from those past encounters, something small like an inkling feeling, the glow of her golden head or maybe the raspiness of her voice.

She’s too lost in her own thoughts to notice that both Aden and Anya are watching them from the other side of the room. The moment is short-lived because a beat later the door flies opening and small groups of people start filing in.

Both of them are ripped from their brief moment and Clarke has to blink hard to clear haze that swimming around her head.

 

It’s an hour in and Clarke is sitting in a tight circle, eager eyes watching her as she maps out the dimensions of the wall. It took some time and some unanswered questions before the kids started to warm up to her. She’s assigned them to work on one piece they want to contribute to the mural, putting emphasis on _community_ and what it means to them when she notices she hasn’t seen Lexa in a while. Curiosity peaks and Clarke finds herself wandering about outside. Anya is in the middle of a fast game of soccer on the courtyard while some of the older boys are congregated around the basketball ring.

“You lost Clarke?” Anya says behind her, rapid puffs of air brushing against Clarke's ear, She turns to see Anya, dabbing away the sweat glistening her forehead.

“You don’t like me very much, do you?” It just slips out before Clarke could even catch and she bites her tongue in anticipation.

“Don’t take it personally,” Anya says with a shrug though she’s beaming down at Clarke. “I don’t like anyone.” Clarke almost flinches at the gentle frivolous sounder bump Anya gives her and for the first time ever she thinks Anya doesn’t hate her.

“You seen Lexa?”

“She’s had a meeting this morning for work,” Anya replies casually moving towards the door, Clarke follows stepping back into the cool dampness of the hall. They stop abruptly in front of the long table of drinks.

“For the centre?” Clarke asks holding out the empty cup Anya had just offered her.

“No,” Anya states pouring the bright green liquid into both cups “Lexa doesn’t work here.” Clarke turns to her, confusion splayed across her face.

“Oh, I thought she started up the program here,” Clarke says fiddling with the rim of her cup trying to look casual even if her mind is reeling with a thousand questions.

“Yeah this is her program but she doesn’t get paid for it,” Clarke nods slowly letting the new information seep in.

“Right”

This time it’s Clarke who gets called away to check the progress on Artigas's piece and she’s roped into a lengthy discussion on using the Trikrus logo somewhere in the mural.

Lexa returns forty-five minutes later still dressed in her formal attire but this time three of the top buttons are undone. Clarke wills her self not to look, instead, her focus remains burning holes into the unfolding design in-front of her.

“How’s it going?” a shiver runs down the length of Clarke’s spine and she forcibly has to remain ramrod straight so she doesn’t lean into the hot breath that’s just brushed past her ear. Lexa’s resting on bent knees right beside her, peering over at all the little picture spread out across the table.

Clarke mentally slaps herself for looking, hates how her breath hitches and her stomach quakes when she catches a glimpse of those sharp collar bones. 

“What do you think?” her voice is shaky but she hopes the other woman doesn’t detect it. Lexa reaches out to grab the pieces of paper and draws them in closer and that's when it hits Clarke like a freight train. The scent of wood fire smoke and something else, something earthy like rain hitting the damp forest floor. It’s intoxicating, dizzying and Clarke is instantly addicted. She chokes on it as it robs her breath, the last time she'd been cocooned in this sent was when she'd fallen into Lexa's sheets. Memories come flooding back to her and she's not prepared for how it wracks her whole entire body. She'd noticed the pull before, but this is gravitational, sub-consciously it's like Clarke is drawn to her and she can't tear herself away. 

 

Clarke recovers in the bathroom, knees weak and clammy she'd managed to excuse herself courteously. She needs to get a grip on this before she makes a complete idiot of herself.  _But how?_ For some reason this time around is much more intense, maybe it's because the dynamic's changed. It's no longer strangers passing each other by on the odd occasion. Clarke is beginning to see Lexa differently, starting to formulate a whole picture of this woman's life. It's not just a one night stand, saturated with unspoken words. It's the start of something, whether that be a friendship, it's paramount and the strength of that has Clarke gripping onto the basin, knuckles turning white. 

 

She manages to avoid close proximity with Lexa for the rest of the time, unable to trust herself around an audience of minors. She'd made good progress though, even if her mind was rattled. they'd come with a unanimous decision to use the Trikru logo as the centre piece and instead of diving up the wall everyone would agree on one design and contribute. 

Anya's already left, saying that she'll see Lexa early on in the week and Clarke at work and now it's just the two of them. Clarke had seen the lingering glances from a distance all morning. Caught Lexa eyes just as they darted away, but she couldn't be sure if it was just Lexa checking up on her.

"Anya said you had a work meeting." Again with the word vomit and right now, Clarke wishes that she'd just implode.

"Usually I don't have to work on Saturday's" Lexa replies, they're just about finished, all that's left to do it take out the rubbish which Lexa does on her way out after locking up the building.  "But it was the only time I could meet with the client." 

"What do you do?" 

"I'm a juvenile justice attorney" suddenly it makes a whole lot of sense, the business wear, starting up a youth centre, the passion for kids. 

"That's impressive." 

Lexa avoids eye contact which causes Clarke to wonder why. From what she knows Lexa's not the bragging type, though wouldn't a title like that carry and sense of pride?

"It's the least I could do." Now that catches Clarke's attention and without thinking once again Clarke blurts out.

"Do you want to grab some lunch?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've noticed there's a little confusion regarding Lexa and whether or not she's also caught up in this time loop so I thought I'd add this note to try and clear some things up.
> 
> No she is not, the simplest way I can describe it is, imagine Clarke stepping into a time machine and going back three months. Everyone else around her has no idea she's from the "future". She's been taken out of a time line and then reinserted and everyone else is just going about their business.
> 
> And yes Lexa maybe her twin flame but that doesn't mean she knows or recognises it for what it is. Lexa's got a lot of things to work through and that when the twin flame concepts start shining through.


End file.
